All I can say is that after a long struggle with a "beast" I am finally starting to figure out who I really am. I've always known whose I was, just not who I was. It's going to be a long tiresome process, but I am ready to begin the journey. I've been ready to tackle this monster for a long time, just haven't had the courage.
If you read this post you have a little insight into what I am talking about. I knew that there was an old Kate and a new Kate, but I did not know the very root of the difference between the two. It's rather quite complicated and not something I desire to share, but it's been a very informative journey over the past week. I'd been praying some time for the answers and I just assumed that God was not ready to reveal them to me. What I have discovered, however, was that I was not ready to listen to him. In fact, He has been telling me for some time but my ears and heart and mind had been closed.
Don't we have all have a tendancy to do that? Try to fix our own problems? I'd been pouring myself into about 4 months of Bible studies searching for the answers. When all along I knew what the problem and solution was. I just didn't want to accept it. It was too hard and I wanted to take the easy way out.
So if all this self-discovery has not been hard enough, my stupid self responded to a hoax email that somehow caused me to be kicked out of my Google account. That means that I lost my email account AND my blog. Now, the email was one thing. I can slowly recover that loss, but the blog is another.
My blog has been my diversion for almost a year. I have poured my heart and soul into that thing. It has been the scrapbook of my children's life since last June. I stopped filling albums with pictures when I started my blog. I stopped journaling all the fun things my family has done because I had the blog. And while the memories are not gone, the tangible proof is. I think I can still print out all the pages, but not in the manner I had wished. My dream was to have a hardback coffee-table book of our life's journeys for every year I wrote on my blog. This has been a rather hard pill to swallow. First the whole dealing with my personal issues, then losing my blog. Once again, it the later may not seem like a big deal to you but it's so special to me.
But during this time, I have had to remind myself to put things into perspective. While my issues are important to me and are my current reality, things could be worse. I have beautiful, healthy children, a WONDERFUL, loving husband and an amazingly perfect God. One who is right here with me through this all. One who will never leave nor forsake me. He IS my very help in trouble.
Edmund C. Bentley once said "Between that which matters and that which seems to matter, how will the world know we have judged wisely?"
What will you chose? I know what I have chosen. My life, my family and my God. If I never post another blog entry, never send another email I have to care less because I learning that good mothering (and being a wife and daughter) comes from the inside out. We have to become what God meant us to be so that we can help others be who they are meant to be.
So as I raise my "cup" to toast this new beginning in my life, I welcome you to join me. Do you really know who you are? Most importantly, do you know WHOSE you are?