A glimpse into my day.
The tsunami of change hit hard again this morning. When I got Lucy up to get dressed to head to Memphis she was nauseated. We barely made it to the truck when she started vomitting. She had woken up twice last night with diahrea and then continued to have it all day. She slept ALL day long. Seriously, all day. I was a sight for eyes today. When my Dad had to step away for a few hours, I looked like a bag lady. Lucy wouldn't sit in her stroller so I had her in my arms, her medicine bag on my shoulder, my backpack on my back, Lucy's backpack in the stoller and I was trying to push the stroller all through the hall of St. Jude. Any other place or time I might have drawn some funny looks, but not there. Most mothers walk around looking like I did today.
When my Dad and brother came back to pick us up this afternoon I was so happy to see them. UNTIL...my mom called to say that Ella was throwing up. The stomach virus rears its ugly head again today. We have also decided that the stomach virus has gotten Lucy too. Thanks be to God that she hasn't had fever. We can go home with a virus but a fever will get you a quick trip into the hospital for sure. So tonight its just me and Erik and Lucy at the house. Ella and Jack are with my parents. We have no room for errors and just can't risk any more exposure to sickness around here. Last night was great so I will savor that memory until I get my family back together again.
(Ella sick tonight)
This is the baby that is well but can't come home tonight.
Not because he is sick, but because Mommy and Daddy are so physically exhausted we can hardly put one foot in front of other And not just physically. Mentally and emotionally as well. I want nothing more than to take an Ambien and sleep for 6 straight hours. I may never be at a point in my life again where I will feel comfortable doing that. I feel as if I will forever sleep with one eye open. And I'm quite convinced that Jack will never sleep through the night. I may have to apply to be on the show that brings the Super Nanny in to make parents get control over then kids. I just need the episode where she gets the baby to sleep. That would be cool.
I was thinking about a comment that keeps recurring in conversations with people I've run into throughout this past month. I've heard so many times "I couldn't do what you are doing." Today as I literally carried Lucy, her burdens and my burdens in my arms and cried through the halls of the hospital I thought about that statement. I am completely convinced that I am doing nothing more than any other mother would do. Its nothing you want to do, but you do because you wouldn't have it any other way. I am so grateful that God allowed me to be Lucy's mother. We are living in absolute hell right now but I couldn't imagine anyone loving her as much as I do. Who would ever be able to care for her every need like me? No one. I still don't pretend to have any understanding of why, but I do know God chose me to be Lucy's mother even before I was born. I may be a wreck now, but I am trusting God's promise that he will supply me with the strength I need to complete this task he has laid before me.
My friend Crystal lost a sister when she was younger. She has been through the depths of despair herself. Today she sent me with an email that was just what I needed to read. I wanted to post it here so that anyone who is reading this might be blessed in the same way I was:
Scripture: The LORD is just! He is my rock! There is nothing but goodness in Him. Psalm 92:15NLT
Difficult times come, right? We all have them, sometimes we cause them and sometimes they are merely circumstances the Lord, in His providence and wisdom, has ordained that we should endure and by which we might bless others. When those times come, the Christ-follower, looks to Him and closes ranks with the Lord. Soldiers in a dangerous place take strategic positions where each can see the other and all can see the leader without the slightest possibility of mistaking a command.
When doubts are attacking you, prayer is the source of power that will draw you closer to the Savior. When fears begin creeping into your perimeter, then you can shed the light of God's peace and unconditional love as you ask God to fill you with both to shine out in His name. Since God is filled with goodness, then THAT is exactly what He will fill you with when the need arises.
No matter what the difficulty, no matter how stressful the trial, no matter how painful the heartache you may be experiencing, take it to the Lord just now and receive, in exchange, enough peace to get you through the moment, the hour, the day. When the resource runs low, go back for more, there will always be plenty. "Ask and you will receive, seek and you will find. Knock and it will be opened to you (Matt. 7:7).
"Lead a life worthy of your calling, for you have been called by God. Be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other's faults because of your love. Always keep yourselves united with the Holy Spirit and bind yourselves together with peace." Ephesians 4:1-3 NLT
What I took from this was asking God to get you through each day, moment by moment. I think this might be my new approach to my days. Asking God to just get us through each appointment, therapy, radiation and eventually Chemo--one day at a time.