Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Ella's last softball game was tonight.  My sweet cousin Casey, who is expecting her first child, and her husband kept Jack so that I could go and enjoy the game.  Casey and Keith have been a big part of my children's lives for a long time.  They are our go-to babysitters and my kids adore them.  I can't believe they are actually going to be parents themselves.  They are going to be GREAT parents. 

Ella has improved so much as this season has progressed.  She hits the ball almost every time she gets up to bat and can really field the ball well.  Most importantly she has the best attitude.  She is a great cheerleader for her teammates and I am so proud of her. 

On the way home, Lucy was sitting in the back of the van talking, singing and being silly.  She was talking in funny voices and making me laugh.  I closed my eyes (at a red light) and just allowed myself to think about her being well.  I dreamed of what it would be like for her to be carefree with no talks of sickness or the hospital.  I envisioned her running with her friends at the softball field instead of being confined to a chair playing her DSi.  And then all of a sudden I was consumed with the "what-ifs" again.  Those horrible, nasty what-ifs.  Moments of hope are often overshadowed by the worst-case scenarios that so many children with cancer often face.  I try not to let it happen, but I just can't help it.  I'm only human.  And a mom that loves her child to pieces. 

Dangit!  I hate this.  I hate this stupid, evil cancer that is ripping my baby's childhood away.  I can't hold back the tears tonight.  I am SICK of this.  Tonight is a punch-a-hole-in-the-wall kind of night.  Dare I say it...tonight I'm just pissed off. 

"Lord Jesus, please give me a little extra strength tonight.  I need it.  I'm not doing so well these days.  This burden you are allowing us to carry is too much for me right now.  I know you have never left my side, but tonight I just can't do it.  I hurt for Lucy.  I hurt for Ella and Jack.  I don't want to face the next 4 months.  I don't want to put Lucy through this hell.  I am still claiming victory in your name, and begging for mercy the whole way through.  Please Lord, please, grant her grace during chemo.  She has suffered so much already.  Her body and my heart can only take so much.  Oh, Lord.  Hear my plea."
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16 comments:

  1. I will not say that I know what you are going through, but I will say that you are not alone. The Lord is with you always, but in addition to that you have a lot of people.... people that you may never have met (me) praying for you, hurting for (with) you and Lucy, and Falling in love with your sweet angel. I am falling in love with her through your words. The love you have for her allows us to feel just how special she is..... I know the next for months seem impossible, but if it helps even a little, remember you are never alone.

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  2. Please know that I'm praying for you! I can't even imagine the horror you have to face. God is good and I trust that HE will prevail through all of this ugliness. Thank you for reminding me to enjoy all the every day small things.

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  3. I am praying tonight that you LITERALLY feel the Lord near to you, Kate!
    Ps 34:18 "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."

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  4. Today was a pissed off, begging for mercy, not fair, what if kind of day for me too--know that you are not alone in your fight and that I will be praying hard for peace for you!!! Anytime you need an empathetic shoulder to cry on (or person to vent to), let me know. Let it out--this is NOT FAIR for either of our girls, and honestly, it just plain sucks. Hold tight to Jesus, and know that He understands, even when we don't. Hang in there--saying a special prayer for you tonight!

    --Sarah Good

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  5. Sweet Kate, my heart hurts for you so much, and all that you are going through to help Lucy get well. Please remember, that all of us out here, are praying for you, and your family, and holding you up, when you feel you can't bear the pain any more. We will never leave you alone, and God will be right there along side of you also. Please enjoy every minute with your family, before Lucy starts her chemo. Look at Lucy's beautiful smile, and I know you will smile with her! God Bless!

    Sending Hugs!
    A Mom-Mom in NJ

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  6. I have been praying for your sweet Lucy for quite awhile now. Thank you for being so honest in your feelings. I have a daughter who turned 5 in March. Lucy reminds me sooo much of my sweet Savanna. Your journey has opened my eyes and my heart to be extremely thankful and to live each day to the absolute fullest with my daughter. I find myself just watching her daily in aww, and wonder...for she is God's child placed in my care. These funny little things Lucy does is exactly the same things my healthy Savanna does! That free spirited, happy 5 year old Lucy is still there with you, happy and living life! Our Pastor at church just preached this past Sunday on "When it Rains, it Pours." His main points opened my eyes to look at our "problems" differently, no matter how great or small. He said when problems come your way you should, 1. Rejoice when problems come your way. 2. Request God's help in your problems. 3. Relax and trust God is in the Outcome!

    Always praying for Lucy, you and your family!

    Rae

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  7. Hi Kate, you don't know me, but I have been following your blog for sometime now, and I must say that I feel for you, you have been so strong for Lucy, and sometimes we forget about our own feelings. Please know that not only is God watching over you, your hubs, Ella, Jack and of course Lucy, but you have multitudes of people praying for your family as well, me included.

    Sandy

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  8. Dear God,
    What she said!
    Amen.

    I'm praying right along with you for everything you need and want.

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  9. Praying the blessing over your family.
    Numbers 6:24-26
    ‘May the Lord bless you
    and protect you.
    May the Lord smile on you
    and be gracious to you.
    May the Lord show you his favor
    and give you his peace.’

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  10. Kate,

    I am claiming Psalm 91 for you, Lucy and your entire family.

    1 Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
    will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
    2 I will say of the LORD, “He is my
    refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust."

    3 Surely he will save you
    from the fowler’s snare
    and from the deadly pestilence.
    4 He will cover you with his feathers,
    and under his wings you will find refuge;
    his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
    5 You will not fear the terror of night,
    nor the arrow that flies by day,
    6 nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
    nor the plague that destroys at midday.
    7 A thousand may fall at your side,
    ten thousand at your right hand,
    but it will not come near you.
    8 You will only observe with your eyes
    and see the punishment of the wicked.

    9 If you say, “The LORD is my refuge,”
    and you make the Most High your dwelling,
    10 no harm will overtake you,
    no disaster will come near your tent.
    11 For he will command his angels concerning you
    to guard you in all your ways;
    12 they will lift you up in their hands,
    so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
    13 You will tread on the lion and the cobra;
    you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

    14 “Because he loves me,” says the LORD, “I will rescue him;
    I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
    15 He will call on me, and I will answer him;
    I will be with him in trouble,
    I will deliver him and honor him.
    16 With long life I will satisfy him
    and show him my salvation.”

    Praying for you all.

    a New Jersey mom

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  11. Dear sister, I will never forget how awful I felt when Sarah had her high dose of chemo (before the bone marrow transplant), and she had never been sicker in her life. I felt helpless and angry that all the nurses just kept saying that it was normal. I didn't care that it was normal. I just wanted them to make her feel better! There is nothing worse than being a mom watching your children suffer, and of course you will have days when you feel horrible. But...it got done, Sarah handled it better than I did, truly...and we are looking back on it now. There will come a day when it will be all done! Keep the faith and remember that. And go ahead and allow yourself to imagine that day when Lucy will be healthy. Don't let the devil torment you with what-ifs. Most likely they won't come to pass, and you will have wasted that time worrying. And if God has a different plan, then He will give you the grace to handle it. Trust Him and only live one day at a time. That was my mantra day after day. Just one day at at time. And we are praying for you and Lucy!!!

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  12. Hang in there Kate. We so appreciate your honesty and keeping it real. You're handling this whole thing the way many great men and women of the Bible handled seemingly insurmountable situations..... with truth. It reminds me of the scripture that says, "Lord, I DO believe..... help my unbelief!" Just know that greater is HE that is in you, than he that is in the world. Keep holding on tightly to His hand. Trust him for your next step.

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  13. Dear Kate,

    As I was just reading a book called Ministry of Healing, I ran into a quote that made me think of you and Lucy. It is simple, but I pray that it will bring comfort to you, Lucy and your family as you fight.

    "He who took humanity upon Himself knows how to sympathize with the sufferings of humanity. Not only does Christ know every soul, and the peculiar needs and trials of that soul, but He knows all the circumstances that chafe and perplex the spirit. His hand is outstretched in pitying tenderness to every suffering child. Those who suffer most have most of His sympathy and pity. He is touched with the feeling of our infirmities, and He desires us to lay our perplexities and troubles at His feet and leave them there. ... when care, perplexity, and darkness seem to surround your soul, look to the place where you last saw the light. Rest in Christ's love and under His protecting care."

    I am praying for you.

    Irene from the Netherlands

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