Ella's last softball game was tonight. My sweet cousin Casey, who is expecting her first child, and her husband kept Jack so that I could go and enjoy the game. Casey and Keith have been a big part of my children's lives for a long time. They are our go-to babysitters and my kids adore them. I can't believe they are actually going to be parents themselves. They are going to be GREAT parents.
Ella has improved so much as this season has progressed. She hits the ball almost every time she gets up to bat and can really field the ball well. Most importantly she has the best attitude. She is a great cheerleader for her teammates and I am so proud of her.
On the way home, Lucy was sitting in the back of the van talking, singing and being silly. She was talking in funny voices and making me laugh. I closed my eyes (at a red light) and just allowed myself to think about her being well. I dreamed of what it would be like for her to be carefree with no talks of sickness or the hospital. I envisioned her running with her friends at the softball field instead of being confined to a chair playing her DSi. And then all of a sudden I was consumed with the "what-ifs" again. Those horrible, nasty what-ifs. Moments of hope are often overshadowed by the worst-case scenarios that so many children with cancer often face. I try not to let it happen, but I just can't help it. I'm only human. And a mom that loves her child to pieces.
Dangit! I hate this. I hate this stupid, evil cancer that is ripping my baby's childhood away. I can't hold back the tears tonight. I am SICK of this. Tonight is a punch-a-hole-in-the-wall kind of night. Dare I say it...tonight I'm just pissed off.
"Lord Jesus, please give me a little extra strength tonight. I need it. I'm not doing so well these days. This burden you are allowing us to carry is too much for me right now. I know you have never left my side, but tonight I just can't do it. I hurt for Lucy. I hurt for Ella and Jack. I don't want to face the next 4 months. I don't want to put Lucy through this hell. I am still claiming victory in your name, and begging for mercy the whole way through. Please Lord, please, grant her grace during chemo. She has suffered so much already. Her body and my heart can only take so much. Oh, Lord. Hear my plea."