Ella had a soccer game Saturday morning that I did not get to attend. It was Erik's turn to watch so I stayed home with Jack and Lucy. After the game Ella went to play with her friend "EJ" and had a blast!
Lucy went to the hospital and had to get Platelets (she was at 14!!!). That tied up Erik and Lu for most of the day, so Jack and I were home alone. While he napped I unpacked Target House stuff and tried to begin making sense of the home that I've been away from for almost 8 months. I wish words could explain the emotions I am feeling about being home. I honestly feel like a stranger in my house. Yesterday I just sat on the couch and looked around. It was as if I didn't belong here. I was looking in on someone else's life.
My life has not been here since February. Mine has been in the hospital, at Target House, on the road. Don't get me wrong. I am glad to be home, but its just not the same. Yet. I'm working to make this house my home again. All the people who make up my home are in it, but my head has just not reconciled with my heart yet.
And the exhaustion. Oh, the exhaustion. I think that by being home I have allowed myself to let my guard down a bit. In doing so, this crazy feeling of sheer fatigue has rushed over my body like a hurricane. When my head hits the pillow I am sleeping so hard and I usually can't stay awake past 8:30. 8 months of running on adrenaline has wrecked havoc on my system. I haven't run since I've been home and I miss it so much. I was doing so well and was quite proud of myself. Oh, well. There will be a time for that eventually. To be honest, its been hard to tear myself away from the kids at all since I've been home.
After Lucy and Erik returned from the hospital, they met up with Ella, Jack and me at my parents house. We had a Sunday School social there and had a blast. We ate hot dogs and chili, the kids played in the yard, we had a bonfire with smores and then went on a hay ride. The best part was that all 3 of my kiddos were there and had a great time. Especially Lucy. I think she had the most fun. She felt so normal being with her friends. I would be remiss if I did not add that she wore this costume ALL day yesterday. Even to the hospital. This is her Halloween costume.
(picture quality is horrible)
As I think about the road ahead of us I easily become engulfed in fear and fatigue. We have only begun the journey to recovery. Sweet Lucy has such a long, long way to go. PT, OT, school, eating, gaining weight, staying cancer free. We still need to see so many miracles in her life. I know that God is not done with her yet. He has some mighty big things in store for her and our family. I have to be patient and let God work His miracles in His timing. The saying below reminds me that when I have grown too tired and too weary, all I have to do is hand it over to my Heavenly Father. That's where it's supposed to be anyway. Not in my arms, but His.