Monday, October 31, 2011

Fall Fun

We had a crazy busy weekend, but it was great.  Friday night I went to Memphis with 2 friends for a nice evening of girl time and a great dinner!  It was so hard to leave the house, but it was so great to have some time for myself.  Saturday morning came early with Ella playing in a double-header soccer game.  Saturday evening we all (minus Jack) went to a Halloween party at one of Ella's classmates house.  It was a blast and we all got in the costume spirit!



(Me and my friend Amber)

Sunday night Erik and I surprised Ella with tickets to go see Taylor Swift in concert.  She was so excited and felt like such a "big" girl.  We went with Amanda, Gracen, Leigh and Maddie.  The three girls were so sweet and acted so grown up.  We went to dinner at The Majestic Grille and then walked down Beale Street on our way to the Forum. 






 (We ran into Ella James at the concert and Ella was pumped!)




I don't have a lot of pictures of Lucy from this weekend.  Mainly because she spent a lot of time on the couch.  She was really fatigued and quite honestly didn't have the desire to do much of anything.  When we went to St. Jude on Sunday we found out that her ANC and platelets had plummeted since Thursday.  She got a platelet transfusion and today we found out that her hemoglobin was 3/10th of a point away from critical.  No wonder she feels so crappy. 

The physical therapist told me today that after observing Lucy for the first time in almost 2 weeks, that she has developed pretty significant foot drop in both feet.  I am pretty upset about it, but I know that with hard work and time she will overcome yet another obstacle.  If she has not improved any in about a week or so she will likely be fitted for foot braces.  She will hate wearing them, but they will be necessary to keep her safe and keep her from falling.  The foot drop will only make her balance issues worse.  

I had a rough day Sunday.  Erik and Ella took Lucy to the hospital in the morning and Jack and I were alone at home.  When he took his nap, I cried.  A lot.  Being alone in my house with my thoughts was not something I was really prepared for.  I have always been a worrier and have allowed myself to sometimes go "where I shouldn't" with crazy thoughts about harm coming to my children.  I guess most mothers have those fears.  But for me, those worst case scenarios are no longer just fleeting thoughts.  They are my new reality.  They could actually happen.  At one point in my crying I literally cried out to God, "please don't take my children from me."  I know it was a selfish prayer, but it was all I could muster.  God knew what was in my heart anyway.  There was no reason not to speak it. 

I guess I will struggle with fear of the unknown and fear of the future for the rest of my life.  I hate that part about my future, but I will gladly take the anxiety, fear and uncertainty for one more day with each of my beautiful children. 

post signature

11 comments:

  1. I always appreciate your honest journal entries about the trials that are being thrown at you.

    Praying for Lucy and for you all always!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Just thought I would meantion a book a just read called "What women fear" by Angie Smith. It is a great book and doesn't make light of anything but instead, Angie gives some great Biblical insight on storeis we all know and also personal stories of her own struggle with fear. It might be an encouragement too you. I struggle with the same fears you have with my kids, but I haven't faced the reality you have either. I know, the last thing you have time for right now is to read but somewhere down the road, it might be a book you want to read :-) It is an easy read - no, it won't take away the fear but it has helped me put into perspective how to pray about my fear and work on giving it to God (which is NOT easy!) Praying for you and your family.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Praying for you, Kate. I'm so sad that you're hurting, but I trust that it will get better. One day at a time. God bless you!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Thank you for sharing about your emotional day yesterday. You make me feel normal-like it's okay to not be strong every day. My daughter goes to the hospital on Thursday to see about a very concerning spot the doctors saw on her spine. I am angry,scared,worried, did I mention angry:-( A friend told me to fall back on the attributes of God during this time. God is good, so we know everything He does is good. God is righteous, so everything He does is right. God is holy, everything He does is holy, etc. Doesn't make it easy but when I can't understand what is going on- I will fall back on the attributes of God and know that somehow this is good, right, holy, etc. It's all I've got right now. Praying for you and your family.
    Nicole

    ReplyDelete
  5. I have not experienced what you are, but I have prayed "don't take my child" also. I know the heartrending sorrow and despair that accompanies that prayer. It sounds cliche, but in that time I also came to realize and embrace the fact that God loves my kids even more than I do. Oddly enough, I felt comforted by that knowledge. Praying for Lucy and your entire family. I so appreciate your willingness to share your experience and for letting us all see the awesome work of the Lord in your lives.

    ReplyDelete
  6. You and your family continue to be in my prayers

    ReplyDelete
  7. Praying for you. This post made me cry. I am also a worrier, and I cannot even imagine my worst fears becoming so close to the forefront!!! Praying harder today!!

    ReplyDelete
  8. I will continue to hold you and your family up in my prayers.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I prayed for you and your family tonight. Fear is such a powerful enemy of our minds. Hoping for peace for you all and miracles! We serve a mighty God who is able!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Kate - I just came across your blog and your journey has moved me through smiles, tears and heartache. Please know that I will be praying for you and your BEAUTIFUL family.

    It is obvious through your words how much you love and cherish your husband and children. You have opened my eyes to a world that does exist; it is so heartbreaking, but it is real. I know you are an inspiration to many, and your honesty brings a connection that they will certainly appreciate. I know that God is doing AMAZING things through you and your precious daughter Lucy.

    Many, Many prayers today and in the days ahead. Press on.. Your sister In Christ - Mandy

    ReplyDelete