1.10.2012

Hard

Today has been a hard day.  For Lucy and for me.  She is having a hard time adjusting to the new feeds and complains almost constantly of a tummy ache.  It's so hard to see her hurting, but I know she has to eat.  It's like rehabilitating a broken leg.  It hurts but you have to push through to reach the desired end results.  She will grow accustomed to eating again.  It's just going to take time. 

I'm afraid I'm beginning to come across as a little unstable these days.  One day I'm up, thinking about how great Lucy is doing.  Then the next I am down.  Today, and tonight, I'm way down.  Like crying so hard my head is going to explode kind of down.  I'm really, really pissed off about cancer tonight. 


This is a horrible picture of me, but I think it truly captures exactly how we both were feeling today.  We were sitting in the big chair in E clinic.  Lucy crying because her tummy hurt and me sobbing because for whatever reason the weight of every mother in that hospital seemed to be on my shoulders today.  I met two mothers this afternoon who have been locked in their children's battles for a while.  One mom who's son has missed his whole high school experience thanks to Medulloblastoma.  When she was telling me this, I cried.  In front of this total stranger, I cried and fought back the urge to scream.  I hurt for her son so badly.  Then I cried for the kind lady who was snuggling with her precious bald headed 15 month old who hadn't seen her 3 year old much for the past year and who is about to journey to the other side of the country for more treatments.  I don't know what it was about today.  I have walked the halls of that hospital for almost a year now.  But today was different.  I ached and cried for every parent, every child and every sibling there today. 

I also cried as I thought about the last time I saw my precious friends Kristie and Justin.  They were sitting in the chairs beside me.  I don't know it I will ever sit in those same seats again.  That is just a sacred memory to me.  I literally felt as if someone was wringing my heart with their hands as I prayed for my friends.  If I could carry Kristie's burden for even 1 hour I would.  I would love to give her the kind of rest I know she so desperately needs.  I would love to provide the strength I know she is searching for right now. 

After I brought Lucy home from an all day excursion to the hospital she collapsed on the couch.  I could tell she didn't feel well and quickly realized that she was running a fever.  So, back to Memphis she went.  Erik took her so that I could actually be home with my other two for a few minutes before they went to bed.  When I got her off the couch, she was crying and pleading "I just want to stay at my house."  My almost 6 year old baby is really starting to get tired of it all.  She just wants her normal life back.  She cried all morning because she can't go back to school right now.  She was so mad at me for the longest time today.  (a Rocephin shot and fluids was all she needed tonight, but she did have to get "stuck" for the 3rd time today.)

My sweet Ella is starting to ask a lot of questions about Lucy's cancer that I really am not prepared to answer.  I just don't know what to say.  When she boldly asks "Will Lucy ever have cancer again?" I don't know what to tell her.  I don't want to lie to her but I also don't want to add any more worries to her sweet heart than she already has.  She's a worrier by nature, but she's also crazy smart.  She knows so much more than I realize.  After Friday, Erik and I know that we need to sit and talk with her about some things.  We've just got to get Friday under our belts first. 

I was talking to my friend Leigh tonight about the feelings and emotions I was dealing with today.  I told her about meeting the two new ladies and the conversations that we had.  Leigh reminded me of a time in my life where I wrote about knowing there were hurting mothers at St. Jude that needed someone to talk to.  They just needed someone to connect with.  I wasn't ready then.  I was selfish and mourning in my own way.  I don't feel bad about that either.

But now things are different for me.  I don't usually seek people out to talk to, but I sure am willing to be a set of ears.  And I have no problem sharing a tear with a total stranger.  Because what I've learned is that when you enter the walls of St. Jude, when you walk the halls as a mother, you are a part of a bigger family.  A family whose common bond is fighting like hell to see their children survive.  The tears, the anger, the fear...those are the common threads that knit us together.  At one point in my journey as a cancer mom, I couldn't carry anyone's burdens but my own.  Now I realize that I don't have a choice.  I might not personally know every family that walks through those hospital doors but I don't have to.  I am living their nightmare with them every day. 


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69 comments:

  1. I am crying with you, Kate. We all are wanting so badly to take these burdens and fears off your shoulders. The only comfort I can give you tonight is that "He's got this." The Lord is with you and He's got this. I wish I could tell you that it's all gonna be ok. I don't know. But I don't think any family has more prayers going up for it than yours right now. I pray that today you can feel the burdens being lifted from your shoulders to ours. We want to carry the load for you so that you can continue to be strong and fight this fight. I'm just so sorry that you even have to. Sending love and hugs to you all. - Mary in Australia.

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  2. Girl you are carrying a lot on your shoulders, don't let it pull you down too much. I know it can. As a ped hem/onc nurse, I take more home then I should some days but it is hard not too.

    I'm sure talking to your sweet Ella is going to be hard, you are right to get Friday under your belt before you have this talk. My prayers are with you guys on Friday. Try to get some sleep Mama.

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  3. I've read your blog for a bit now, but I want to respond. I wish there was something I could say to lift you up. Know prayers are coming to you. Cry, vent, be mad all you want. No one will judge. I'm so sorry for what you are dealing with, for what Lucy is dealing with, for what each and every family struggling with a sick child is dealing with. It is not right. I'm so so sorry.

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  4. I am praying for you, asking our Father to give you a peace that will allow you to face each tomorrow knowing that He is carrying you. Crying is often good for us as we share with others. We are weak, but He is strong. Please know that many people care about your precious family. Love to all, Pat Williams, a grandmother in Tuscaloosa

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  5. Hi,
    I stubled across your blog a few months ago and have been reading along ever since.
    Your blog has touched my heart and I pray for you and your family every night.
    I wish that there was something I could say or do to make y'alls pain go away ,but I know there's not. I say a prayer for Lucy every time I see a St. Jude commercial and wish that I had a million dollars to donate to St. Jude to help find a cure. I admire your strength and courage. Lucy is blessed to have a mom like you.
    Yours Truly,
    Michelle

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  6. As I sit here thinking of something well anything that will make you feel just a little better the only thing that I can offer is this.."With God on your side anything is possible!" I know that it may not seem like it at times but never forget that this saying is very true. I wish that I could take the pain that you, Lucy and the family are feeling away from y'all every time I read your blog. If I could take the pain from your Lucy, even for jus a day, I would in a heart beat.

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  7. I'm so sorry you had such an awful day. I will continue to pray for you and all the families of St. Jude's.

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  8. it is a nightmare, perfect words. God bless.

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  9. I pray for Lucy and your family every night. You are such a strong and inspiring person.

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  10. I'm so thankful you can be honest...it blesses me! Dear Lucy, I pray she pulls through this quickly. And as angry as you must feel at cancer and at this sin cursed earth....remember God is trustworthy...He really, truly is. He is the rock you can stand on!

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  11. My heart aches for you. I wish I could help you thru all of this, I feel like you are family yet we have never met. My prayers continue for all of you.

    Hugs,
    Your friend from Illinois

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  12. Kate, you have now entered the "mode" I live in. I knew the day would come. When ou begin the journey, you are so focused on "me" and your child. This new life you've been flung into without any idea of how your going to make its. Then there comes a point, maybe whe you see that mom with her little one and she is so new to it all. I HATE that I have to say it, but at the same time I am so blessed...I am a five year veteran of pediatric cancer.i didn't choose this calling, but it is where God wants me. So, I must serve there. I am not like my husband. I am not the approaching type (I am approachable) but I just don't do small talk well, and I don't like to inrtude on people. But as I recall my feelings in this journey, I recall the lonliness of the journey and the wanting to share, but not wanting to just yell it out at people (even though I might have felt like yelling it out, ugly yelling). Still, now I am in a place where I can offer hope and prayer and advice. I can share your journey, and let others know you can survive it, though you will be a bit more looney. I am able to carry the burden of others, cause I have lived it. I carried your burden, not Lucy's. I can't carry Lucy, or Ivee's, or Justin's, or George's....burden. I am not the one battling. I carried Kate's, Kristie's, Jerry's, Emmett's, Teresa's, Tabitha's....burden's. Cause I am a momma of a pediatric cancer fighter. I know your struggles, your heart, your ache. I continue to pray for you, to be burdened by your journey. Please know, though we many times just passed in the hallways or the RO waiting for radiation, I consider you a true friend, cause you can understand me and I can understand you in a way that my other friends can't. They love us very much, and they can sympathize, but in the words of my friend Cathy (who has had a hard journey with an Autistic child) "I can never understand how you truly feel. I can fully never comprehend your pain." Cathy is amazing, but even she knows, you just can't understand the journey unless you've traveled the same road.
    Ivee pray for Lucy every night,but I pray and think of you everyday. So, as you meet these new moms,as you feel burdened for them, please know that others are carrying your burden for you!!!!! You are never alone in the fight.

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  13. Kate. Total stranger here. Praying for you today. I will pray the same prayer that you had for your friend, that you will have the weight lifted for even just an hour....whatever God can give you that will rest your aching heart. Phew. I am sorry. Praying that Lucy can get the same break physically and emotionally as well. You are such an inspiration to all of us. I know you would probably rather just be a mom & a wife & daughter and friend, but you are much more than that, you are a fierce warrior, and you are always reminding of us about God's love.

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  14. Kate,
    I have been reading your blog for almost a year now. One of my friends from high school made the Buzz Lightyear cake and she posted about your blog on facebook and asked us to pray for Lucy. I started reading because I too have a Lucy. Today your post made me sob. I am desperately praying for Lucy and your entire family. I have never commented, I have never wanted to bother you, being a stranger. But today I feel compelled to let you know, I am lifting Lucy toward the light of Christ, asking for him to be with her and the rest of your family. I will continue to pray for you Kate. I can not imagine your struggle as a mother. There can be no worse pain than watching your baby hurt. Peace friend.

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  15. Im so sorry for the pain, but so thankful you were able to help other mom's today just be being a "set of ears". Praying for your sweet family.

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  16. Dear Kate,

    I took one look at your picture this morning....your sorrow & instantly srarted to cry....with you....for you!!!

    "Unstable"....You?? No, I don't see an unstable mother. I do however see a mommy who is overwhelmed, exhausted, heart broken....grieving.

    Kate... remember...YOU HAVE NOT BEEN GIVEN A BREAK!!! GOOD OR BAD, YOU HAVE HAD TO GO, GO, GO....that in itself is Exhausting & Overwhelming!!! I think of you often Kate & pray for yourself, your family & your Lucy even more.

    Remember to keep reaching out Kate....we're NOT going anywhere!!!! Thanks for sharing your feelings!!! It's good you are able to express yourself. This too shall pass Kate....until then, just take one small moment at a time & remember to breathe!!!

    With friendship & support,
    Jenn xo

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  17. Relentlessly praying for Lucy and your family. You all are alwasy on my mind and heart.

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  18. Kate,

    So many times a day, I think of you and pray for you and your sweet Lucy and precious family. You can be pretty sure that someone is praying for you, Lucy, and other St. Jude kids every moment of every day.

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  19. “Indeed we count them blessed who endured. You have heard of the perseverance of Job and seen the end intended by the Lord—that the Lord is very compassionate and merciful” (James 5:11).

    Praying for perseverence today for all of you.

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  20. St. Jude has always been a place, a ministry we've felt close to, that we've wanted to give to however we could... I realize more & more that the families of St. Jude need my prayers as much as/more than any monetary donation we might be able to give... Always remembering your family in prayer AND all the the families of St. Jude.

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  21. Kate, I don't know your family, but I stumbled onto your blog. I just want to say that you are all in my prayers! I pray that God will wrap you all in his arms, give you strength, give you comfort and give you healing.

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  22. Your honesty is so helpful, Kate, to many who are stuggling, with a child with cancer, or with any horrible situation. When I read about the good days, I rejoice, and when I read about the tough ones, my heart completely sinks. It is remarkable that you and your family continue to thrive despite the difficult circumstances. But it is a tribute to your strength and love and faith. When you write about your torment, and Lucy's torment, hearts around the world go out to you and prayers multiply. Your tears may be unwelcome, but I suspect that they are healthy and necessary for you. They certainly don't mean that you are weak, for you are from that! I am so sorry for your burdens, but know that in your worst moments, you are not alone. I hope another happy day comes for you, Lucy, and your dear family soon.

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  23. Kate,
    My heart is right there with you. I feel your pain and frustration and fear in every word that is written and every tear that I could see had fallen today. My prayers are with you, Lucy and your entire family daily. May God breathe HOPE down upon you at this very moment. May HIS arms surround you so that you feel HIS protective love. GOD BLESS YOU and KEEP YOU in HIS CARE...

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  24. Kate,
    I have never commented on your blog either, but I have been following your story about Lucy and praying for her for almost a year. Please know that you and your family are ALWAYS in my thoughts and prayers. I think these feelings and tears are a rinsing of the soul of sorts...a way for you to find more peace. I'll be thinking about you on Friday and praying with all my heart.
    Andrea

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  25. I dont know you but yet as a mother I feel I do. Some people always say it could be worse, or you dont have to look to far to see someone in worse shape. As a mother watching your child so sick, and being able to really do nothing....there is or cant be much worse of anything. You have the right to cry, be mad, scream. You have earned it all. I only wish I could do something to help

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  26. I don't know your family but I pray for y'all every day! You may not feel strong at the moment, but your strength since Lucy's journey has begun has amazed me!
    Stacy
    Searchingforthegrateful.blogspot.com

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  27. Praying so hard for Lucy, YOU, and the rest of your family. Your feelings are so real and raw. I hope and pray that your scans on Friday provide the relief you and your family so desperately need at this time. I find myself thinking of Lucy throughout everyday. She is a very loved little girl. XOXO

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  28. I so admire you and you have expressed yourself so eloquently in this post. You are on a roller coaster and I pray that the ride gets smoother as Lucy adjusts to her new calorie intake.

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  29. Dear Kate,

    I really believe that what you're doing is called intercession. It's much more than praying words, it's when we hear others' hearts, and the heart of God comes through us and empathizes with them. He uses our ears to REALLY listen, and our mouths to speak the words of understanding and love that He so wants to convey to them. I am proud of you for not being stuck in your hurt, but for continually allowing God to use you through your blog, and personal contact with others. You are standing in the gap for every mommy, daddy, brother, sister, friend, and grandparent that has watched a child suffer with a serious illness. You listen to them and cry out to God for that little one's complete healing, and pray that childhood cancer WILL stop in His precious name. I tell you the truth, I've said it before, your vulnerability is not only bringing comfort to the hurting, and healing to the sick, but restoration to marriages and families everywhere! Do not lose heart, you have sown and sown and sown the love, prayers, and words of God into your family, friends and strangers and you WILL reap a harvest of hope, healing, and even more love than you've ever known. Thank you for posting this blog, and picture of you and Lucy the light. I needed to see it, and I am sure that I am not the only one.

    I know you may never know me, but my family and I LOVE you, and we continually add to our prayer list all the people you mention on this blog.

    Charity of Atoka

    "Your Great Name" by Natalie Grant on the below link.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I9W-O2MUT5U

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  30. My eyes full of tears and desperately praying for strength for you. I cannot even imagine how your heart aches.

    Much Love,
    Amy
    TX

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  31. We all feel your pain and do not think any less of you for having up and down days. I don't know how you could not! Please know I am praying for Lucy, you, and your family. We are all her for you to vent and 'talk' to any time! We love you all.

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  32. Hi, Kate,
    I wish I could give you a big hug right now, but I can't so I am going to do the next best thing I know of and try to use some of my nutrition knowledge to help you. I don't know what type of feeding Lucy is getting but you might consider asking if you can change to an elemental formula. This is a formula with the contents kind of "pre-digested" so to speak which might be easier on her little tummy. If you think about how long her little GI tract has gone without having to digest food, you can imagine that it's just not used to having to work again. A formula that is just a little easier to digest might not be so hard on her.
    I wish there was another way I could help you! I will continue to pray for all of you.

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  33. My heart just breaks for you and all the other families you come in contact with daily. We are praying for you. Macie (my almost 5 year old) prays for Lucy all the time. I can not get her to pray often, but she is always praying for your Lucy. Your precious girl is teaching mine compassion and love. She really wants to meet Lucy and have a play date!
    Macie's birthday is Monday. If I get around to blogging, I would like to link to your story. Would you mind?

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  34. Kate, I'm sure you won't remember us, and that's ok... Our son Justice Mack was on Ella's soccer team that Erik coached a few years ago. I've wanted to comment before, but haven't because I don't know what to say. I cannot possibly imagine what you and your beautiful family are enduring right now. But please know that we pray for your family every single night in our family prayer. Not a day goes by that you aren't in our thoughts.

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  35. I pray god will give you peace and rest.

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  36. Kate, I will continue to pray for Ella Jack you Erik and sweet Lucy. God continues to open your heart for the hurting and It is a true gift form God . When I read this story I could do nothing but think of the Brandon Heath song "Give me your eyes". It is truly a beautiful song about god opening our eyes to the hurting and broken hearted (your words bring tears to my eyes for the days of heart break you have wresteled with). Your transparent heart is beautiful and I wish there was a way to ease your pain of this nightmare you and your family have been living in. God is good and prayers for friday are flowing. Sending my love strength and prayers your way. xo xo KL

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  37. Praying for you right now...for all of you. So longing for the day when Christ returns and we are all home with Him. There will be no more pain. No more sorrow. No MORE CANCER! I don't know you, but I pray for you often and love you. I have never been the mom of a child with cancer, but I was a child with cancer, and God has restored me. I'm praying the same thing for all of you.

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  38. Have you asked if the amount she is getting in each feeding or the hourly rate needs to be decreased? Did they tell you it should hurt her stomach? In adult feeding that means the rate or amount should be decreased for a while. Hoping I can help in any way, praying as always.

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  39. I wish I could carry your weight, even if just for a few hours....I think you need something to refresh your soul. I dont know what could help and I really have no words, but I know He is faithful and we pray for you and your spirit today.

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  40. Hi Kate...

    I am so sorry. I have no words to offer you to make it better. I do, however, believe that this hard day, more than likely, contained blessings. Invisible to you, I'm sure, but so obvious to those in which you ministered there at the hospital. Those new to this heartbreaking journey must look at you, your heart, your hope, your beautiful little girl, and think, "wow!", she's making it. She is putting one foot in front of another, reaching out to me when she doesn't know me, still offering to pray for me, and continuing to spin all of her plates as a mom and as a wife. You are a blessing, Kate. You are making a difference, and I cannot allow myself to believe that God would allow such an unthinkable level of pain without a purpose. I know that your family's journey through this ugly beast called cancer will not be in vain. As I can imagine, your faith has been rocked to the core. Upside down, sideways, renewed, and all areas in between. And you know what? God remains your lifejacket. When you seem to be completely upside down (unstable as you are currently feeling), something seems to happen and you "see Him" as your lifejacket and he turns you rightside up again. Your head above that murky water and you are strong enough once again to continue the journey. The journey of a wife, mother, nurse, teacher... and more, I'm sure. It is evident that your other children nor your husband have been neglected. You are doing a great job. I know that God is pleased with you. I also know that He understands your anger and will forgive you for anything that hardens your heart from time-to-time. May your feel Him today, and may you see a glimpse of hope in the very near future.

    My prayer for Lucy is complete healing, of course. My prayer for you and Eric is wisdom, trust, calmness, love for one another and your kids, comfort, and strength. May you find peace in the fact that so many are praying. Go Lucy-girl, Go! So many love you whom, like me, have never met you. Praying, praying, praying. Hugs, love, and blessings. Hang in there... you're a sweet blessing, Kate.

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  41. Keeping Lucy in my prayers everyday!

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  42. Dear Kate,
    Like many of the people above you do not know me. I really can't even tell you how I found your blog. I'm not elegant of word so I pray you just hear my heart. I'm a grandma of 9 and live in Oklahoma. From the first reading of your blog God gave me a burden for you and your sweet family. I don't go to bed or start my day in the morning without checking on Lucy first. You have become part of my family and I feel like I've known you always.
    I just want you to know that so many people you've never heard of are crying out on behalf of Lucy and your beautiful family.
    I can't imagine the heart, pain, the death of a dream. You may find yourself in a area you never dream or could never prepared yourself for, but our God is not surprise and He has went before you and provided for every need. Today I see your pain, fear, the battle is real its not over, but in God's eyes it is. When He hung on the cross He did not speak ITS FINISH until He knew the work had been done for Lucy.
    His word say's by His stripes we are healed. His word say's all His promises are YES and AMEN. His word say's that He's a God that cannot lie. So today I claim Lucy's healing, I claim your peace that passes all your understanding.

    Four years ago I had 2 grand-babies and 2 on the way. Then the unthinkable happen. My brother on drugs tried to kill my father. In less than 24 hours my husband and I received custody of my niece 13 and nephew 9. I struggle so the first 2 years. I felt cheated of being this awesome hands on grandma, now a mom again. I was mad, hurt, bitter and felt betrayed. God begin to lead me to Esther. Esther went through a lot I imagine before she was taken away to the kings court. In Esther 4:14 Mordecai states this to Esther..Yet who knows whether YOU have come to the kingdom for such a time as this...Wow really God of all the things you could have call me to.

    Just maybe Kate God has called you for such a time as this. Walking the halls of ST. Judes praying and interceding for people you never would have met. People who have never heard of leaning of Jesus. His grace is sufficient. He will not call you to go where He has not provided.
    Today I pray for complete healing from the top of Lucy's head to the bottom of her feet. I pray that you feel God's presence wrap around you like a warm blanket of His love. I pray you feel the prays of God's children crying out for you and your sweet family.
    Kate you are a beautiful reflection of God's love. Holding on to God's promises and believing He is worthy of our trust. Keep believing and trusting.
    There's a song I love to sing here's the words.

    Whose report will you believe?
    I will believe the report of the LORD
    Whose report will you believe?
    I will believe the report of the LORD
    His report says we are healed
    His report says we are filled
    His report says we are whole
    His report shouts VICTORY!

    Love and prayers, Kathy

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    1. Kathy, Do you know if this song is on any praise and worship CD? Would love to hear the music and sing these words. My husband is battling cancer and just this week we got a bad PET scan report. Thanks, Lori

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  43. God is using you in a mighty way- touching the lives of so many. Through your life, your honesty, your faith- many are being blessed. I've followed your blog from the beginning of Lucy's battle. Praying, crying, and rejoicing with all of you- like you are members of my own family. Praying for peace for your aching heart.
    Reader in Nebraska

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  44. Hi Kate,
    I feel for you. This roller coaster ride you are on is very weary. I believe God is giving you a calling in ministering to the new parents of children with cancer. You have fantastic communication skills and a gift with people. I know stepping out and ministering can be hard to do but I believe it will be therapeutic for you as well as the people you talk to.

    I'm praying for you and of course these scans that Lucy will have on Friday.

    Rest in Jesus.
    <><

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  45. Hi Kate,

    I have never responded to your blog before. I learned of your blog through my little sister who lives in Memphis (Cordova-Germantown area) and is in cancer research for the West Cancer Clinic.

    I read your blog daily about your sweet Lucy and also about the rest of your family. In reading today I just wanted to reach through the computer or pick up the phone to call you and give you a hug!!! I have never been through what you and your family is experiencing but I just hurt for you and wish I could take your pain away!!! I pray for sweet Lucy and your family each and every time I pray!!! I just know the "Good Lord" is going to wipe your baby girls slate clean!!!!

    I just want to say as hard as I can not imagine that it is please know that us complete strangers are here for you and oh how I wish I could make things just a little easier for you!!!

    Much love and prayers to your family!!!!

    Holly N. Madugula
    Arlington, TX

    (would love to meet ya'll someday!!)

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  46. We are taught to tell children that the doctors are doing everything they can to make all the cancer cells go away, which is why the child has had to take all these different medicines and undergo different treatments, to get rid of the cells that are hurting them. If the child asks additional questions about the disease coming back we are taught to be honesty that we do not really know because not a lot is known about why some people get cancer and others don't and when it might come back. It's key to ensure the child that everything possible is being done by doctors (and everybody else involved in medical care) to make sure the disease doesn't return. Everybody certainly has their own take on how to share this information, but I just thought I would let you know what I have learned as somebody in the field. Always praying for your whole family :). You're stronger than I could ever dream of being.

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  47. You are an amazing woman, with amazing children. If anyone has an excuse to be "unstable", it is you. You have been a pillar of strength for your family, and that load must be a heavy one. I cry frequently while reading your posts, wishing I could give you 1 hour of comfort & rest. As a mother, I can't imagine myself going through what you have. Should I ever have to, I can only hope I can be as strong and dignified as you. You an Lucy are inspirational.

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  48. I am so sorry to read about the day you and Lucy had today. What came to my mind is the poem "Footprints in the Sand." God is truly carrying you, Lucy, and your entire beautiful family - today, Friday, everyday...

    I pray for all of you everyday day. You are such an inspiration to us all.

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  49. I'm praying for excellent news on Friday and peace and healing for all of you.

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  50. I have been following for a long time as well, but never commmented, but often pray for you and your family, especially little Lucy. Tonight I was touched by your honesty and my heart broke for you and Lucy. I stopped and prayed for you all. You have been an amazing example to so many at your strength you display for your little girl. But emotions are real and I appreciate your honesty. Praying for you. Hang in there...:

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  51. Praying for you to have the strength to make it each day. Don't give up. Rely on God and your friends for strength when you feel low and helpless.

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  52. Praying for you and your family. Rely on God and your friends for strength and healing. Give yourself grace.

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  53. Kate, my heart is aching for you right now. Praying, praying, praying for all of you.
    Ms. Beverly

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  54. Remember when people were wearing the "What Would Jesus Do" bracelets...I believe He would do exactly as you are doing. There is a great old hymn in which the words say, "Only trust Him, Only trust Him now; He will save you, He will save you, He will save you now."
    You have cried out and all of us who pray for Lucy and for all of you, must commit to pray harder and more fervently and more often, as the scriptures say, "without ceasing." May it be so.

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  55. my heart is so heavy for you and your family tonight. what a raw and eloquent post. thank you for sharing your heart, your struggles, and sweet Lucy. prayers from oklahoma!

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  56. My prayers are with you and that sweet little Lucy. (As well as the rest of your family.) My heart hurts for you and I wish there was a different way for Lucy to overcome her cancer. Praying for you!!!

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  57. Kate,
    We are praying for you and your sweet family! May God continue to give you and all the members of your family all the strength you need at each moment you need it. I don't have the words to express how I feel every time I read your blog. I can't imagine how difficult this journey is for all of you. Your family is in Jeff and my prayers. If there is ever anything we can do to help you, please let us know. May God lift you up tonight in your time of need and give you strength. May He make your load feel lighter knowing that others share your load as they pray for you.
    In Christ,
    Corinne

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  58. Kate... I too, am a stranger. And though we've never met, I find myself checking in on little Lucy all the time! I'm also a mommy (my daughter is 5 and my son is almost 2)... and my hearts aches for you! The prayers that are being lifted for Lucy go beyond what you can imagine! So many of us don't know your sweet girl, but pray diligently for her, you and your family!!

    Nikki

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  59. Prayers for Lucy's tummy and healing, for comfort for your family, and for extra time for your family.
    Dee Brestin's book the God of All Comfort is what I am reading right now, I highly recommend it. She lost her husband and this is where the book comes from as far as an example of grief, but she talks about worshiping God through times of trial and grief through the Psalms. I guess there are many forms of loss, as you expressed here. My heart aches for Lucy and you. God bless and keep you sister in Christ.

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  60. I wonder if St. Jude has any type classes to help siblings or family to understand just what their family member is going thru. I to have you and your family in my daily thoughts and prayers. You are much stronger than you think you are. You have been an inspiration to me AS I feel you have to others. Love and prayers-Judy Thompson

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  61. My heart aches for you! Praying for you, keep reaching out.

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  62. My heart goes out to you and your precious family. My sister-in-law and my neice and our family lived the St. Jude experience for 6 straight years and now on a yearly basis. Prasie God, my neice will turn 42 next week. It is my prayer that you and your husband and family find peace and comfort and strength that only comes from our Lord and Savior; that your daughter finds healing and has the determination to bravely walk the path she is traveling now; that her doctors have the knowledge and discernement to treat her to their fullest; that her care givers have compassion and sympathy as they tend for her. I pray this burden your carry will not lessen your love for our Lord and that you will always be able to praise and glorify him even through this struggle. Amen

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  63. Dear Kate:
    I have been following your blog for several months and continue to hold you and your family in my prayers. As a social worker, I would like to offer another perspective: the stress and pain you and your family have been through in the last year are beyond human. Perhaps you could find a mental health professional or counselor to share your burdens and help process all you have been going through? Consider this as part of shoring up your physical and mental health for your continued journey. Blessings to you and your family.

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  64. Bless your heart!! You have no idea who I am but please know I read your blog every day and I am praying for your family constantly!!You are an amazing person and an amazing Mom. I love your "truth" and honest opinion!! I think it's wonderful to express your emotions and be able to say "Yes, I am MAD"!! I can't say I know how you feel but I think I would be the EXACT same way!!! God bless you guys and please continue to post and keep us updated!!!

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  65. You are such an inspiration and such a wonderful mother. I found you blog several months ago from a link on The Cancer Xchange website. At first I read about Lucy and your family and felt guilty for 'prying' into your lives. I couldn't get you all out of my thoughts. We've worked your family (so similar to our young family) into our prayers. Your stories have given me such a refreshing perspective on life. At times I get so caught up with work, family and trying to make every aspect of life 'perfect'. You are a contant reminder to stop and appreciate the simple beauty in life. We will continue to keep you all in our prayers. I pray for peace and health for you all!

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  66. I just found your blog...My son, Nick, now 9 years old, was diagnosed with medulloblastoma on 3/9/11. This post rings so true for me. Clinic days are going to give me post traumatic stress syndrome I think. I'll be praying for you and your family.

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