Sunday, May 13, 2012

My Day


I hope that your Mother's Day was different from mine.  It's not that my day was bad, it was just hard.  I have fully accepted the fact that I am officially in the grieving stage of this whole ordeal.  I am allowing myself to do just that, too.  Some days are better than others.  Some days, like today, I cry a lot.  Before I even got out of bed this morning I woke up worried about Lucy and school.  I continued to cry in the shower as I thought about how she would handle it if she had to repeat Kindergarten, her friends leaving her behind.

Then as I made my way to church and listened to our Sunday School lesson I was moved to tears once more as my Dad spoke about Christ's suffering on the cross. We spoke of the Disciples and if they truly understood what the Last Supper meant.  The had to know that Jesus was going to die, but there was no way they could even begin to fathom the pain and suffering that He was about to endure.  And not to try to draw any comparison to Jesus' death, but I thought about Kristie and Jerry and how they knew their son was going to die but had no idea how hard his death would be.  How he would suffer so.  And that opened the flood gates for about an hour's worth of tears.


As I held Lucy in my arms during church and listened as she sang along to songs she did not know but sang with such a joyful heart my own heart swelled.  How precious is the child who LOVES the Lord.  Ella stood by me and sang with such confidence knowing that as a Christian she will spend eternity in heaven.  I too sang through tears of gratefulness and sorrow.  So very grateful for the blessings in my life and sorrowful for the hurt that we have experienced and witnessed this past year.


After church my entire family gathered at my parents house to celebrate my Grandmother on this special day.  I am so thankful for the godly woman that she is.  She truly is more precious than rubies.  She has served as a cornerstone of faith and integrity for our family since its beginning.  The only thing missing from today was my grandfather.  He is so sick that we all took turns going across the field (street) to visit with him.  Tomorrow he will go to determine if he will receive any more treatment for his cancer.  He is a very sick man but is facing this inevitability with such fierce determination and courage.  All four of this sons were in church today (two coming from Nashville) and it was rather emotional for everyone.  I know all too well how hard it is to look death in the face.  I am torn apart thinking about losing my grandfather, but I know its even harder on the sons as they try to imagine life without their father.


As everyone began to prepare for their travels back to Nashville and the local families went their own ways, we were able to spend a little time with my Mom...the most wonderful, amazing, incredible woman I know.  If my children are half as proud of me one day as I am of her right now then I will consider my life a success.  I love you Mom.  I love you more than you will ever, ever know.  Thank you for teaching me how to be a mother, a wife and a child of God.


 As I curled Ella's hair this morning I told her how proud I was to be her mom.  I told her what an honor it was to have been entrusted with her life.  I tried to explain to her what a joy it was to stay home with my children and how I prayed that someday she would have that opportunity as well.  I have learned a lot this past year about what matters in life and what doesn't.  I know that for me it is painfully clear that my only purpose in life is to 1. Glorify God and 2. Raise my children to love and fear the Lord.  That's it.  Nothing else matters.

I told my friend Amanda tonight that in some strange way I feel very honored and humbled that the Lord would trust me enough to have care over my children.  Lucy is so fragile in her health.  Ella is so fragile emotionally and Jack is just so impressionable at his young age.  And then there's Erik.  He needs me, too.  I told him tonight that I could have never been a mother without him :)  Man!  I love him so much.

What we have been through this past year is enough to tear a family apart.  It happens all the time.  Just ask anyone who has walked the cancer road.  I worry that I am going to do it all wrong.  I worry that my best is not good enough.  But I try not to let the worry get the best of me because I know that God will give me the strength I need to make it minute by minute.  He never promises any more than that.  But He does promise to provide for our every need.

Jehovah-Jireh, God will Provide.  My favorite name for Jesus.  He has never forsaken me.  He has never left me.  I know that He will provide the strength, courage and wisdom I need each and every day to be the mother He has called me to be.  And there is no greater calling on earth.

Mother.

Tonight my heart is full.


post signature


25 comments:

  1. I love all of your posts, but as a new mother this one moved me even more. You are such an inspiration.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hello Dear Kate!

    HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY to you my friend!! Mother's Day certainly is a day of reflection. I'm sorry you are grieving but, I'm glad you are simply b/c it is more healthier than keeping everything inside! God Bless You Kate. From one mother to another, I think you're doing an AMAZING job!! You are only human Kate...PLEASE don't be so hard on yourself. Look at the smiles on all 3 of your babies faces....to me, that says it ALL!!!

    You're right about being a stay at home mama...it is a gift - one I didn't fully realize until I became too ill to work. What I thought was initially one of the worse things in the world (no longer being well enough to work...even on a part time time basis) turned out to be one of my greastest BLESSINGS. One I thank God for every day!!!

    As the night draws to a close, I just wanted to check in on you & your sweet family!! I am lucky to have met you on line & to call you my friend....just as your family is lucky to call you mommy & wife!!

    God Bless You Kate.

    Jenn

    ReplyDelete
  3. Why teach them to fear the lord? Why not just love?

    ReplyDelete
  4. Kate, you write so eloquently on such difficult and also joyous topics. This is just another gift you have been given...this ability to share in a way that others can connect with and find inspiration in. God bless you this Mother's Day!
    Christina Rhymer

    ReplyDelete
  5. Fear of the Lord is the foundation of wisdom. Knowledge of the Holy One results in good judgment...
    -Proverbs 9:10

    ReplyDelete
  6. Every time I need a little bit of inspiration I come to your blog, and read your beautiful posts. I can tell from reading some of these comments that I'm not the only one your family has touched! God Bless you guys! And still praying!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Lisa Brandon GordonMay 14, 2012 at 4:47 AM

    Touched. Again. Bless you and yours.

    ReplyDelete
  8. You are amazing and inspiring. Take good care of you too :)

    Nicole
    xxxxxxx

    ReplyDelete
  9. You are an amazing woman, I am in awe of all that you do and how strong you are. I came across this post on my firneds Facebook page and immediately thought of you.
    THE CHOSEN MOTHERS
    By Erma Bombeck
    Most women become mothers by accident, some by choice, a few by social pressures, and a couple by habit. Did you ever wonder how mothers of children with life threatening illnesses are chosen?
    Somehow, I visualize God hovering over Earth selecting His instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As He observes, He instructs His angels to make notes in a giant ledger....
    "Armstrong, Beth, son, patron saint Matthew. Forrest, Marjorie, daughter, patron saint Cecilia. Rutledge, Carrie, twins, patron saint Gerard."
    Finally, He passes a name to an angel and says, "Give her a child with cancer."
    The angel is curious. "Why this one God? She's so happy."
    "Exactly" smiles God, "Could I give a child with cancer a mother who does not know laughter? That would be cruel."
    "But, does she have patience?" asks the angel.
    "I don't want her to have too much patience or she will drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wears off, she will handle it."
    "I watched her today. She has that feeling of self and independence that is so rare and so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I'm going to give her has its’ own world. She has to make it live in her world and that's not going to be easy."
    "But, Lord, I don't think she believes in you."
    No matter, I can fix that. This one is perfect. She has just enough selfishness."
    The angel gasps -"Selfishness? Is that a virtue?"
    God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally, she'll never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect. She doesn't realize it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take anything her child does for granted. She will never consider a single step ordinary. I will permit her to see clearly the things I see...ignorance, cruelty, prejudice...and allow her to rise above them." She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life, because she is doing My work as surely as if she is here by My side."

    ReplyDelete
  10. Kate, you have a lot to grieve and you are doing it right.....You are admitting your grief....you are expressing your grief rather than denying it....and you are grieving in chuch with your church family. Although I'm sure you wish, at least at times, that God did not have so much confience and trust in you, for He has promised that He willl not allow more than you can bear to be placed on you. I know you can relate to Job probably more than to any other character in the Bible. We don't see all the battles that are taking place in the Holy Realm but I am surre that there are a lot of them going on concerning your family and its continuing faith in God. I do pray for you and your family. nj

    ReplyDelete
  11. Praying, Kate, for you and your family. Praying for healing as you work through this time of grieving. Praying for your family and for your grandfather. Lifting you all up.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Crystal GilreathMay 14, 2012 at 9:26 AM

    I am proud of you, Kate. Not everyone allows themselves to actually 'grieve.' Such a hard process...but you and your entire family will be stronger at the other end. I do hope that the entire family embraces their grief in their own way. This past year "has been tough?" I would imagine that is the understatement of all understatements, girl! :) I continue to pray for Lucy, you and your entire family. What a gift to love your mother so much...and to be SO loved as a mother yourself!!!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Kate,
    I pray for you and Lucy, daily. Please know that Jesus will make you strong enough for today.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Give Praise Not Slams...

    ReplyDelete
  15. Beautiful Post, you have such a beautiful family.

    ReplyDelete
  16. thank you for sharing your honest heart. I know God is pleased with how you are mothering your sweet babies...doing your best to glorify him! praying for God's strength for you as you grieve.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Matt, fear the Lord does mean to love the Lord. It means to revere Him, or love him.

    ReplyDelete
  18. desperateforavacationMay 14, 2012 at 2:52 PM

    I just want to simply thank you for being you. For being so open and so honest. Your testimony is powerful and continues to grow.

    ReplyDelete
  19. I pray for your family often Kate. I cannot even imagine the struggle all of this is for you. You are brave. You are strong. You will endure. Let the tears flow for now. They need to. You will find your full strength again in time. Breathe in, breathe out. That's all you have to do for now. :)

    ReplyDelete
  20. Hey There Kate...We have been catching up with your blog...Such amazing pictures of your sweet family. My Ella would like to say a few words to Lucy," Hi Lucy. You look very pretty! I hope you are feeling better. I am praying for you!" Love, Ella Ann

    Kate, Just wanted you to know that we are praying for Lucy and your whole family!"

    ReplyDelete
  21. There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.
    -1 John 4:18

    ReplyDelete
  22. Is it a slam to suggest love over and above fear? Fear hurts. Love heals.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Oh, how I agree with you. Some people read to look for confrontation...what a pity. Kate is doing all she can do. Who, and particulary God, would ask for more. Support her life situations and don't try to teach your theories or theology. If you can't support, don't comment. Some things ARE better left unsaid.

    ReplyDelete
  24. I've always looked at it this way... If I fear the lord then I'll most likely be lead to make the right decisions...

    ReplyDelete
  25. Kate, how I love to read your blog. I cry and laugh. Pray for me as my daughter wants nothing to do with me. She has such hatred in her heart for me and I don't know why. I read so many posts by daughters who love their mothers so much. How I long for that with Kristen. I pray for ya'll everyday. I love your whole family so much. There are so many times I feel as if I was born into the wrong family. Aunt Jill

    ReplyDelete