The last 4 years have been nothing it not a long season of self reflection. There is still so much I don't understand and there are so many questions to which I don't have answers. I've spent lots of time talking to God, yelling at God, doubting God and then falling flat on my face totally in awe of grace.
One thing I can say for sure is I never once asked "Why me." Now, lots of times I asked "why Lucy," but never "why me." I guess a part of me always struggled with my relationship with God enough that I just assumed I deserved something like this to happen. I never was able to live up to the self-imposed ideal of what a God-fearing, Bible-believing Christian should look like. Isn't it funny how we create these images of what God wants when really all we have to do is ask Him?
I have yet to find the Bible verse that mandates we be in church every single time the door is open. I can't seem to find the verse that says you are forbidden from drinking alcohol. I'm still looking for that verse that says my sins are greater than yours. Funny how there seems to be no "formula" for salvation. Seriously, people. It's not that hard. Why do we make God's love and mercy so darn unattainable?
Here is what I've figured out. I am a sinner. Yep (jaw drop) every. single. day.
You know what else? Every day I find a bit of God's mercy just dripping down on me like a summer shower. It is glorious. And it's enough to get me through the next day, when I am more than confident I will fall in utter disgrace once again. This grace thing. You should find it. And then when you do, why don't you try to live it. I promise you won't be disappointed.
So, how does this relate to Lucy and cancer and my life now? I won't pretend to understand why Lucy got cancer. Honestly, it still hurts my heart to think about it. I'm sure, though, that if she hadn't I would have continued on with life so unaware of real people and real problems and would have been continually frustrated trying to live out my very disjointed relationship with Christ. Through cancer I was able to come face to face with the fact that there was nothing I could do or not do to deserve God's grace. The relationship I was striving so hard to create was always there for me since the beginning of my life. Faith is all it took. The same faith that allowed me to place my child in God's hands is the same faith that grants us eternal life through Christ.
I am completely convinced that if we all walked through life with a little more propensity for love we would be much happier people. Why don't we try it? Let's be a little less critical, a little less judgmental and let's be a little slower to anger. Today I allowed myself to be disappointed and hurt by my frustration with some issues in my town. Why do we work so hard to keep each other down? I can sincerely be happy for you--your successes makes me proud for you. And your failures, well they make me sad. I promise I won't kick you when you are down.
I found myself saying "I just don't understand" one too many times today. It's got to stop. I know this is crazy talk, but what if we tried? Even for a week! Let's give it a shot. I can promise you this, being a person of forgiveness, grace and happiness is NOT going to hurt you. You have nothing to lose.
For it is by GRACE that you have been saved..nothing you did got you God's favor. You can't earn it, you can't demand it and you can't guilt Him into it. If that doesn't for God then why do we expect it from our friends, our family or our children?
God's grace is sufficient for me. Is it for you?