Weaknesses and Upcoming Scans

This past week Jack has been sick.  He fought a nasty virus which caused him to spike high fevers that brought along vomiting.

Did I mention that I have to host a Dinner and Auction on November 12th?  You know, that Go Lucy Go Dinner that I spend months preparing?

I think I spent as many hours praying for protection for my family as I did cleaning up puke messes.  Admittedly, this prayer was completely selfish because I don't have "time" for anyone else to get sick.  Not now.  

In between the vomiting, the cleaning and the precious time holding my sweet boy I battled the defeated feeling that was slowly encroaching its way over my soul.  "How in the world would I ever be ready for the event?"  "I lost a whole week--I'm doomed."   "Maybe its just not supposed to happen."  My poor husband---there were lots of tears shed this week and I'm sure I was more than pleasant to be around.

I tried to get work done when I wasn't caring for Jack.  I tried to make phone calls, plan menus and  secure auction items.  It seemed that the harder I fought to make the Dinner a priority over Jack the more the pieces would unravel.

And then I stopped.  I just quit.  And this is why:

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.  2 Cor 12:9

At the moment I admitted my defeat and stopped trying to rescue myself God sent some amazing friends to start picking up the broken pieces and began restoring my heart and faith.  Friends that jumped to the rescue getting auction items, a team of friends that will be handling huge assignments at the Dinner, sweet friends who began sending encouragement over the phone.  And there were even larger possible answered prayers that seemed to come from absolutely nowhere that ignited a spark in me like I haven't felt in a long time.  God is so very good.  

I am so thankful for God's promises to hear and answer our prayers.  I am also thankful for the burden that He placed on our heart for the Go Lucy Go Foundation.  In my devotional this morning I read the following 

"Oh the burdens we lovingly bear but cannot understand! Oh, the inexpressible longings of our hearts for things we cannot comprehend! Yes we know they are an echo from the throne of God, and a whisper from His heart. "  Cowman

We didn't go searching for an opportunity to create a non-profit organization.  Before Lucy got sick I didn't even know that there were families suffering that needed the help we could provide.  But God, through Lucy's cancer, placed on our hearts a groaning, an echo, greater than anything we could have ever dreamed or imagined.  Its the greatest blessing we could have received through her sickness.  

Last week we received a "random" call (God doesn't do random) from a hospice organization in Memphis.  There was a family in need of a lot of assistance.  The child needs to come home on hospice; the hospital has done all it can.  Because of her cancer she is very immune compromised and the single mom's house is not in any kind of condition to bring her home.  The carpets are molded and mildewed and the utilities had been turned off for several months.  

Because of the work of the Foundation and the generous donations from you we were able to have their utilities turned back on and we are having all the flooring replaced in this child's home.  There is nothing we can do to save this child's life.  Other than a miracle from our creator, this child will die soon.  But we are able to give the gift of "normal" and "family" to this mom so that the child can come home and die surrounded by her brothers and sisters.  

THAT--that is a burden, an echo, that I am willing to not comprehend but bear for the rest of my life if God wills.  

Blessings upon blessings have come my way since Lucy was diagnosed.  The honor of using your donations to help this family is one of the greatest yet.  

So, there is a Dinner and Auction on November 12th that we would be honored for your attend.  You donations help make sure that this kind of work is able to continue.  Can't come to the dinner but want to make a donation?  We would be grateful for that too.  Or maybe you have an item that you would like to donate to the auction?  Just let me know and we would be honored to have it.  You can go to www.golucygo.org to find out more.  

Also, as you are saying your prayers the next few days we sure would appreciate one for Lucy.  She has scans on Monday morning.  We are asking for clean scans and we continue to pray for complete healing for her brain and body.  

Many blessings to you!


A State of Worship

For all accounts, today was a crappy day.  I woke up before the kids, a prerequisite for a good day, and drank coffee while chatting with the hubby.  Lucy was sleeping well so I hated to wake her for Sunday School.  Why?  Two reasons: 1. She is still a recovering cancer patient and when I tell you "she's going great, thanks for asking" I'm usually lying.  She gets tired, her brain shuts down and she needs sleep.  Lots and lots of sleep.  2. My kids get 5 days of Sunday School every week.  I am so grateful for the amount of Biblical emphasis our school places in curriculum.

So, there's that.  I totally justified letting Lucy and Ella sleep through the Sunday School hour.

Ella wakes up, we take showers and get fully dressed--makeup included for me.  Erik and Jack are at church, because a good Lutheran never misses a Southern Baptist Sunday School lesson.  No really, they went on fully expecting us to follow right behind.  When Ella and I are completely ready to walk  out of the door, I realize that Lucy has no intention of waking up anytime soon.  After a disappointing text message conversation with the hubs I realize it's just not going to happen for me today.

I wanted to go to church, I needed to go to church.  I give, give and give all week.  Sunday morning is my time to recharge.  I love the music most of all.  When our choir sings, the special music, the worship through instruments.  Music is my spiritual animal.

For about 3 hours I sulked and pouted.  I was literally mad that I didn't get to go to church.  I begrudgingly fed my family lunch, lounged around in my sweats and read books to Lucy.  We played golf outside in the backyard and then worked with Jack hitting a baseball.  Ella played with neighborhood friends and we had family pizza night--everyone made their favorite.  After that we colored in Jack's coloring book while the other two snuggled on the couch watching TV.

For all accounts, it was the perfect day.  It only took me until 3pm to figure it out, what with the whole missing church and me being a big baby about it.

Somewhere along the way, though, I allowed the legalism of being at church get in the way of my real opportunity to worship.  I have been devouring books lately.  Jen Hatmaker is shaking my world upside down.  She is piling onto the work God started in me 4 years ago.  I am simultaneously uncomfortable and totally hungry for more.

Everyday I am recognizing the gift of religious freedom that came with cancer.  38 years of religiosity has taken on a new life---and I love it.  God is surely stiring a spirit within me yearning for more, for so much more.  The greatest gift I have been given is the desire to read His word.  All my life I knew about the Bible but its only been recently that I've known the Word.  And let me tell you, It.  Is.  AMAZING.

Trying to reclaim my wasted opportunity, I sat outside for a long time this afternoon reading some challenging perspectives on life, I spent some time in prayer and then allowed myself forgiveness for the way I behaved this morning.  I think I'll always fight the urge to follow the "rules" of church.  It's who I am (type A super-pleaser).  My prayer is that I will continue to find God each day of my life;  in the small moments, in the rush of motherhood and in the trials of marriage.  And when I find Him there, and He will always be there, I want to worship Him then.  Right there where He is.  

I am learning that I don't have to wait until Sunday.