6.10.2015

All is Well, Sort Of

Isn't it interesting that the very thing that brought me peace for so long now brings upon intense anxiety?  This computer screen was an escape and therapy on so many sleepless nights and burdensome days while Lucy was sick.  The things I couldn't say, I could write.  I found so much comfort at the keyboard.



Even before Lucy was sick I couldn't wait to get on this page and write about our daily adventures.  Even when those "adventures" never saw us leave our yard, there was always a reason to write.  This was my scrapbook, my journal.



I haven't blogged in a while and I'm honestly doing so tonight through clenched fists.  The pages of the last few months remain blank.  I have so many pictures, so many memories to share, so many words to write--yet I can't.   The passion isn't gone.  It's a physical sickness that is stopping me.



To those of you who have sent me emails, I want you to know that all is well in the Krull house.  The kids are enjoying summer and both girls are on swim team.  VBS is this week and we are going to the beach next week.  It will be a well deserved vacation.



I want to write again.  I want to find the freedom that my fingers knew once more.  Even opening the Blogger page was an anxiety-riddeled exercise.  I don't quite understand why I can't do it.  Why has the peace associated with writing escaped me?  Even if no one ever read this page again, I want to write.  I want to be here.  I want this to be my heart once more.



I'm praying and asking God to help me work through this.  I know it's all part of the grieving process but I'm ready to move on.  Working all those details out still has me on bended knee.



I wanted to share this testimonial with you guys.  We've told our story a million times.  I've listened to Lucy's hell retold by countless scribes.  But this one.  As I watched this video I couldn't breathe.  Maybe it was Dr. Boop speaking.  I'm not sure.  I can tell you that every bit of it was from the heart.








24 comments:

  1. Thank you for the update! I don't personally know your family but I've followed along since Lucy was first diagnosed. I can't begin to imagine the hell you and your family have gone through. However, I do want to say that after being diagnosed with cancer last year at the age of 27, a weekly session with a therapist is the only thing that keeps my anger and bitterness away. I know that therapy isn't for everyone but I just wanted to suggest it. Praying for you and your family continually!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. When it's time to write again the words will come, the fingers will work. It's ok to rest.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Loved watching the video of your sweet family! God has big things in store for Lucy!!!

    ReplyDelete
  4. have been and will continue to pray for your family. I have followed this blog for a few years now and am so glad to hear all is well with your family. have a wonderful vacation!!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Praise God! Hearing from you always reminds me God is good! Don't be so hard on yourself. Enjoy your summer! Woohoo! No homework!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Oh what a beautiful video! Lucy is full of LIFE!! Praise God!

    ReplyDelete
  7. I too do not know your family but checked for updates quite often to make sure all is well. Glad to see a post and know that you are all enjoying summertime.

    ReplyDelete
  8. So glad to see your post. And the video was wonderful. Take time for yourself and we will be here when you return. Whatever you are feeling, it's okay. May the Lord bless you and keep you safe in his arms.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Although we have never met in person, I have been thinking about you guys a lot lately and wondering how everyone is doing. I was so excited to see your post pop up in my blog feeder this morning. I know how you feel about the anxiety of blogging. I go for months at a time when I feel like I am just not up to it. Things happen in life (or don't happen) that make you want to go into your shell for a little while; and I think that's perfectly normal. I am glad that you guys are doing well, and I hope ya'll have a wonderful vacation!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Beautiful video!! Don't worry about blogging again. I go through times where I don't have the words or desire to write. I am curious as to know what you mean by the grieving process? Hugs from HOT B.C, Canada :)

    ReplyDelete
  11. Enjoyed the video. Prayers that you get your mojo back. We've missed you, but so very glad to know that all's well.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Have missed you, don't feel pressure to blog, when you are ready we will once again enjoy reading your posts and keeping in touch with what is going on with your family.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Another one who has been following for ages. I have missed your posts, so happy to hear that things with Lucy are okay. Thinking of you all. xxx

    ReplyDelete
  14. Words will come. Enjoy taking something off your to do list for a bit. Breathe and relax.

    ReplyDelete
  15. So glad to read that all is well in the Krull home. Have missed you.
    Take time, enjoy your beautiful children, when the time is right to start posting again, you will find
    us all here.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I have followed your blog since Lucy became ill. I just lost my Mom to lung cancer in April and I am still grieving--she was a Christian and is in heaven but I miss her dearly. Take all the time you need before you start blogging again. Love on your children every moment you can, hug your husband often, pray, and God will give you your hearts desire. You have been such an inspiration to me through your blog and will continue to pray for you in the days ahead. God bless you.
    Grandma to 5

    ReplyDelete
  17. I have followed your blog since Lucy became ill. I just lost my Mom to lung cancer in April and I am still grieving--she was a Christian and is in heaven but I miss her dearly. Take all the time you need before you start blogging again. Love on your children every moment you can, hug your husband often, pray, and God will give you your hearts desire. You have been such an inspiration to me through your blog and will continue to pray for you in the days ahead. God bless you.
    Grandma to 5

    ReplyDelete
  18. Glad everyone is OK!

    ReplyDelete
  19. Thanks for sharing the Semmes Murphey testimonial. I'm glad everyone is enjoying summer!

    ReplyDelete
  20. So glad you wrote an update, and that everyone is well. Prayers for you that you will want to write again. Just a suggestion, perhaps just post pictures as a post for a while. Then maybe after a while you write a caption under the picture. Can't imagine what your life has been like. I do hope you will want to write again.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Kate, I for one have waited to hear the words "everyone is okay". I hope that you in time can find your way back but if it doesn't happen all I really pray for is for you to now take care of Kate. You need this time for you and that beautiful family. I will continue to pray for your family and for you to make the decision that in time will be the best for you and for the Krull family. Thank you so much for relieving my mind and just a quick update. Enjoy your summer and get well.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Nice, i really like it.if you enjoy our site as if you pla t follow: http://www.robesdemariee2013.com/

    ReplyDelete
  23. Kate - First of all, I (along with so many others) am thrilled that Lucy is thriving. Those prayers are answered!

    I think that everyone goes through phases in their lives where an activity that was very meaningful at one time just isn't anymore. And that's okay! With everything that you and your sweet family have gone through in the last four years, having angst about your blog shouldn't even be on the radar screen. Writing about all that was going on at that time in your life served the purpose of getting you through it, knowing that so many people loved and cared about you. It was cathartic.

    But things have changed (in a good way.) Life is more normal now than it has been for a long time at your house. Blogging has made way for other things. Try not to stress about it. Blogging is for you and not your readers. If stress is added to your life because of it, then STOP DOING IT and quit worrying about it. If you want to come back to it someday, that's great. If not, that's okay, too. Life is too short (the older I get, the more I realize this is true) to do something you don't want to do out of guilt, etc.

    We all love you and want only the best for you. The best news is no news, in my opinion. So take the kids swimming or on a picnic and put away that pesky computer. Have fun and give everyone a kiss, including Copper!


    ReplyDelete
  24. Hi Kate,
    Thank you for sharing the video testimony! I praise God often that He has touched and healed your dear Lucy. Please don't stress about not writing at this time, Father will bring it around when His timing is right. In the mean time I, and I see others, just keep covering you, your family and dear Lucy in prayer whenever Holy Spirit reminds me of her.

    Enjoy your summer!
    <><

    ReplyDelete