The Will to See
I sat down to write last night and nothing would come out. My fingers couldn't move and my brain totally shut down. I literally stared at the computer for 30 minutes wanting to write, but not able to will myself to move. I'm not really sure why either. All in all it was a good day.
I think my mood changed after helping Lucy with her reading homework. She got so frustrated and cried. A lot. I could just see the defeat in her eyes. She was so discouraged, and so was I. It is such a helpless feeling knowing that her limitations may be irreversible. Commercials for the learning centers seem to taunt me as I know that even they may not be able to help Lucy overcome the obstacles in front of her.
Tonight's reading was much better. I think that's whats so hard with Lucy. Some nights/days are good. Others are not. Its a roller coaster for sure. We never get to stay in neutral for very long. The highs seem to be very high and the lows are almost rock bottom. They are for me, at least.
In Sunday school this past Sunday my Dad spoke of the amazing miracles Jesus performed in the Bible. It was a lesson that I could hardly sit through without tears. Lucy's life is a modern day testimony of God's miracles. Over and over he proved Himself. I told the class that (besides a few dark moments) I never really doubted that God could heal Lucy of cancer. Cancer was never bigger than Him. What really made me doubt and fear the most was when Lucy went blind..twice.
When her sight was restored, both times, I knew I had been a part of a miracle of Biblical proportions. My faith, along with Lucy's vision, had been renewed. I still have nightmares about those dark days when Lucy couldn't see. Whether or not it is rational, the prospect of Lucy going through life without being able to see was almost worse than living with cancer. To have had sight for 5 years and then to have nothing; well it was more than my soul could bear.
I guess all these things have been weighing on my mind lately as I have watched Lucy struggle with reading. I think about the limitations on her life as she grows up if she can't read well. I think about the joy I get from submerging myself in a great book. I want that so badly for Lucy. I pray every day that God would continue to work miracles in Lucy's life and that she will continue to beat the odds. She is tough and she will fight. We will, too. We would appreciate your prayers as we work daily to overcome the challenges in front of her.
And if you want to know why I'm really losing my mind, this video pretty much sums it up.