7.22.2012

Life as Usual?

"We're not doubting that God will do the best for us, we're wondering how painful the best will turn out to be." -CS Lewis




Things around the Krull house are good.  Really good.  Lucy is still recovering from surgery and seems to struggle with stamina at times, but all in all we can't complain.  We've been spending a lot of time coloring and reading books.  We've visited friends and even went to see a movie.  We've lined up a new PT and OT plan that will happen at LeBonheur and we've scheduled Lucy's next set of scans for August 2nd.  One day before my birthday.  With all that's gone on lately we know that right now, Lucy is cancer free.  These scans are non-negotiable, though.  Protocol is protocol and we have to stick with the schedule.  I can say, with some certainty, that these will probably be the most stress free scans Lucy will ever have.  (Thank you God.)

While its been nice being home, the reality of being gone from June 3-July 19 is catching up with me.  I feel buried under a mountain of mail, laundry, toys and a to-do list a mile long.  I hate to use this word, but I am "overwhelmed!"  For those that know me its no surprise that I have dealt with anxiety before.  It's amazed me over the past 18 months that I have only had 1 day...1 day when I've had an anxiety attack.  But, get me in an unorganized house with a to-do list and I can hardly breathe.  I have been bagging toys, clothes, kitchen items...you name it!  I have a trunk load to take to Good Will and the Carl Perkins Child Abuse center.  I always feel better after a good purge.  School starts in just 2 1/2 weeks and I just don't want to start in a deficit.


Being home also brings about other challenges that are hard to deal with.  When you have a child that is sick you find yourself at times as close to God as humanly possible and then other times your relationship with Him can seem like a distant memory.  I find myself so focused on Him, so in touch with Him when I have nothing else to do but talk to Him and plead with Him, all day long every day.  I have to admit that the distractions of home and family really challenge my prayer life.  It's quite ironic, actually.  When it comes to Lucy's health I have totally surrendered control.  It's all in God's hands.  I have nothing left to do but speak to God and find my strength through Him.


HOWEVER...at home, its a different story.  When I walk in the doors to my home the Super Mom cape goes on and I'm back in "control."  Things only happen if I make them happen.  Schedules need to be made, dinner menus have to be planned, toy chests need to be organized, PT, OT and gymnastics have to be arranged.  I'm in control.  And, as you can imagine, that's when I start feeling anxious.  That's when I loose sight of God.  That's when my priorities change.  And that's when everything falls apart.


You'd think I'd have learned by now.  Geez!  


But yet, the cycle still continues and I still seem to run the rat race that will never end.  The race that will never be won.  I'm working on it though.  I really am.  When I look back in 10 years, I hope to say that Lucy's illness broke me.  I hope I can see that the barriers were knocked down in my daily prayer life and my daily walk with God.  I hope to be able to truly see all the blessings that have come out of Lucy's sickness.  My eyes have already been opened to so much and I pray that God will continue to reveal those things to me as time goes on.  


I'm a work in progress and I'm not ashamed to admit it.  This road has been painful.  I'll never understand why our family's journey took such a sharp turn on Feb 23, 2011.  None of it makes sense.  But I agree with the great C.S. Lewis and I know that God will do the best for us.  This journey is only temporary and this life is ever fleeting.  This world is not our home and we have so much more to long for. Tonight, I am thankful for a loving and forgiving God.  One who will never give up on me, no matter how miserably I fail.  




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62 comments:

  1. You are the strongest mom I know...definitely a SUPER MOM! I am glad I know u.

    Never giving up,
    Lori

    Go Lucy Go

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  2. Your family photo is stunning! The pictures of your three children are precious! Rejoicing with you that you are all together....and yet, understanding the stress and the toll of "daily life". Take it one moment at a time. You are amazing and you have the right to feel any/all emotions you need to. I pray for your strength. And, of course, for Lucy as well.

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  3. Nice pictures!

    Go Lucy Go!

    Blessings,

    Amy

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  4. Lean on those God has surrounded you with....family, friends. You have had a host of people playing in your band, and they will continue to make your music complete. Ask for help...so many are just waiting to help you with those things that stress you out. You don't have to carry it all. Even your children can help you sort toy boxes once they are told how to do it. Ella would be a great helper and would probably love it that you trust her with some of the chores. Please don't ask for super human strength from yourself to get these things done....you aren't supposed to have it. Ask for help and you know you will receive it...you seem to have many friends who would be happy to share a little time to get things unraveled.

    Please don't expect so much of yourself. You have been through hell for over a year...mentally, physically and emotionally. You have withstood so much. You have more stamina than I can even imagine. Don't let it go now....

    On your team!!!

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  5. Love the picture of the kids.. Looks like the girls are holding onto to jack to keep him from running!

    You are truly amazing and so is your family.

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  6. Hi Kate,
    I'm so glad your whole family is together again. :)

    This walking close with God is a daily, minute by minute thing for me too. Just today I became overwhelmed with all the work that needs to be done and I was grumpy and snappy. :( God reminded me though, that He still loves me and He has patience for me to get back on the walk. You too. It's okay to be in control as long as you remember to give His the control when He reminds you, like now.

    Praying and praying for all of you.
    <><

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  7. Wonderful pictures. The family photo is absolutely beautiful and the picture of your three children is precious.

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  8. I always read your post with tears in my eyes, tears of joy that Lucy is doing so good and tears of thankfulness that I have 2 healthly grandsons, people are not thankful enough for what they have. it can all change in a min like it did for your family. that family pic is beautiful and Lucy looks so healthy. Jack is adorable to. I pray that Lucy stays cancer free and your family will be together for years to come. Kate you are an amazing woman and wife and mother and an inspiration to alot of people reading your story.....God is in control...Go Lucy Go

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  9. First of all I LOVE the pictures! Just beautiful! Secondly, I love your honesty. I feel the same exact way you described when I'm home. I'm a SAHM and several nights a week I go to bed thinking "I should have spent more time with the kids and less time cleaning etc. Although your story has helped me with this, its still hard not to get caught up in everyday life. And when your a type A personality and you want everything perfect and organized and planned all the time, its even worse!! Often times I find myself getting more caught up in daily life than spending personal time with the Lord. Anyway I won't ramble on anymore, just know that your not alone in this. I'm so happy that your family is home and happy and together. Nobody deserves it more! Praying always..and Go Lucy Go!

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  10. Oh Kate, don't ever feel bad to say that life has been overwhelming. Your family has gone through more than many will have ever gone through in a life time. I too sometimes struggle with my relationship with God and how I should be vs. how I am. I do know that no matter what he is there for us. He knows that even if we aren't praying to him every second, that he is still always in the back of my mind. I have to be truthful that I have never prayed so hard for anyone or anything than I did for Lucy. Her illness resonated so much with me because I think what if that were my child I would want everyone to put all they could into their prayers for her. We will continue to pray for your family and Lucy and her continued good health. My daughter (7) recently had her hair cut off so that she could donate to Locks of Love. She wanted to do this because of Lucy. She says mom I really want to meet Lucy and I told her someday maybe ;)

    For now we will settle with reading your story and we thank you for sharing it with us all.

    All our love and prayers,
    Heather & Noelle

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  11. Was going to write an encouraging comment...but gotta find my own Super Mom cape. Now, which pile of laundry is it buried in???

    Will say extra "stamina and organization" prayers for you tomorrow, Kate, and will hoist my Iced Tea towards Memphis!

    Thank you, Jesus, for kid-messy houses and kid-busy schedules and...um, where is that list........

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  12. Juaacklyn CunninghamJuly 22, 2012 at 11:42 PM

    What beautiful pictures! I love the one where Ella has her hand over Lucy's heart with Lucy's hand gently over Ella's.

    Kate just breath. You don't have to be superwoman. I know you are ready for life to return to normal but take a moment (or more) to breath. Allow people to help you.

    Continued prayers for you all. Go Lucy Go!

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  13. Holly N. MadugulaJuly 22, 2012 at 11:55 PM

    WHAT BEAUTIFUL PICTURES!!!!! Kate, you are an amazing Mother and quite an inspiration to all of us!!!! I STILL VOTE YOU AS MOMMY OF THE YEAR!!!!!

    I WILL CONTINUE TO PRAY!!!! GO LUCY GO!!!!

    TAKE CARE & MUCH LOVE & HUGS TO YOU AND YOURS!!!!

    Holly N. Madugula
    Arlington, TX

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  14. I'm so glad other moms feel like this. You have all the excuse in the world to feel overwhelmed and anxious. At least you have realized your need for God through the whole process. I pray you can make it one day at a time and he gives you the stamina for all of it!!

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  15. Kate, I just want to let you know that following your journey these past 18 months has been teaching me to set aside my own "super mom" tendencies. As I offer prayers of thanksgiving for Lucy's health and the recent miraculous events, I'll also pray that the Lord will hold you especially close during this time of transition. Being in the midst of the storm is difficult, but I've found that returning to "normal" also brings its own set of challenges. May God bless you with a special peace during this time, and with continued health for sweet Lucy.

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  16. You never miserably fail! You are an inspiration to literally thousands of us out here, lurking all over the world! You are an amazing, strong heroine that has faced us to crises that would have had me at least in a puddle of hysterics :) Pat yourself on the back and take some help from your support network - no-one deserves a rest more than you right now.

    xxxxxx Nicole from Sydney

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  17. So happy to see Miss Lucy looking and feeling good. You'll get all that is important done mama. When it just matter, let it go...or have others come and do it for you. That is what has saved my sanity. Took another several steps back last week and struggling this week with higher pain meds which are making me sick if I so much as move out of this damn bed.

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  18. Your faith and strength continue to amaze me. I know you don't feel as though you are strong enough but we never are. You are an inspiration and I know you didn't sign up for this job and many would love to take the burden away from you but you have accepted this path with such faith and strength. Thank you for your honest posts as they help so many who are struggling with different but still difficult situations. May God continue to bless you and your beautiful family and thank you for just being you!

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  19. I will echo what others have said - there is no failure in asking for help. I know you have folks around you who would gladly help - you just need to let go and enjoy their helping hands. Praying for less anxiety and more joy. Take care of you!

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  20. Such a pure heart..........prayers for the journey.........

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  21. I wish I lived near you...I would love to help you! Don't let the enemy steal your joy! Focus on what is good and true! Your precious family is home together...that is a blessing! I continue to pray for Lucy...praise God she is cancer free!

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  22. What beautiful babies! Thank you for sharing those pictures. I, too, deal with anxiety issues, and a cluttered house is a trigger. Today I will pray that you are able to mark many, many things off your To Do List and that it is accomplished with a peace that only comes from Him.

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  23. This post is so touching, and hits so close to home with me in a way. I don't have a sick child, but we have been through the journey of infertility, and are adopting a little girl with high special needs. I feel like I have surrendered that part of my life to God, but yes, at home, another story. Anxiety creeps in. God needs us to be broken to use us, doesn't he?

    I am so happy to see your family together again... they are all precious. What a journey you have been/are on. Praying that things come together for you before school starts again!

    Love to you all.

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  24. The beauty of this, Kate, is that once you got up, and you 'went to work'.. now, you get up, and there it is, all around you! And we can really tell that you just love the fact that YOU can set this schedule.
    Here's wishing you grace, peace and some more normalcy!

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  25. You're humility shines through all your words and blesses me so much! On the outside, we're all amazed at how well you keep it all together, yet you see it differently. But that very thing and your transparency through this blog is what God can/will/has used in many ways! My kids are all the same ages as yours, but our youngest is a foster baby. We love him just as much as our own, but the fear of the inevitable (going home to a bad situation) grips me at times I least expect it. He's been through so much and there is absolutely nothing I can do to protect him from it. You'll never know how much Lucy and her story has inspired me. Such a little angel, so much to be scared of and angry about, yet she trudges on and her parents place all trust in God's ability to do what his best for His child. I pray for Lucy every day and hope that some day she is able to look back at this blog and these comments and know the impact she has made and understand the suffering.

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  26. beautifully said- PRAYING !

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  27. Laurie - Oakland, TNJuly 23, 2012 at 8:18 AM

    Thank you - and God bless you and your family!!!!

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  28. Oh my, I laughed when I read of your anxiety about the house. SORRY, I COULDN'T HELP IT BECAUSE I AM THE EXACT SAME WAY! :-) I am glad to know that I am NOT insane and that there is someone else out there that "gets it". I am so happy about these answered prayers for your family. I am confident that you will get everything organized and get back on track. Love the picture of all of you on the beach! Lucy looks healthier with each new picture-I LOVE IT! I will continue to pray for your family daily. I STILL have my tattered ribbon on my lighted brick wall at the driveway. I just CAN'T take it down. Love you all!

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  29. precious pictures of precious children......truthful words of a heart that strives to be all she is called to be AND a little bit more.....real life....the daily grind...let's call it what it is...when children are young and meals and laundry and schedules don't get done unless mom does them....is Hard!!!!!!!! though that season of my life has passed ...i see it in my girls and their lives and i quickly recall just how overwhelming it all was!!!! my daughter and her husband and four children have gotten to spend a month in maine....no schedule, hubby, who loves to cook...cooking ALL the meals!!!!!!!!! a month to do nothing but explore, play board games, ride bikes, read, bask in p.j days...sometimes days on end...and now as they leave tomorrow to come back to nashville and their REAL life.....she is overwhelmed at what faces her...she dreads the transition that she knows will come the SECOND they walk in the door...bless her heart...i dread it for her!!! but.......it will come, as has yours and overwhelmed or not.....it will be doable!!!! i was the mother that had to have all her children(4) looking like they walked out of a band box.....why, because i had to be in control and what people thought of me was SO important. one of my few regrets is that i was so controlling and it exhausted me to the place of anxiety and seasons of depression.....what i love about how some of my children parent is that if baby girl(4) chooses to wear a purple tutu, red dora shirt, plastic crown and crocks and Not have her waist length hair braided or beribboned....it's okay!!!!!!!!!!! ....i'm not saying to preschool or church...but if this is how she wants to run errands and feels good about herself....why not????? and a couple of our red-headed boys...(7yr old twins) look at times like their hair has been combed by a mixer....but they are full of joy and adventure....who cares!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ....as lucy's illness has well taught you....we really have no control and to waste what little we do over the issues that don't really matter is exhausting!
    as for God-time......sweetie, He is so familiar with the sound of your voice and heart...that He is more than delighted to just "hang out" with you while you make the beds or load the dishwasher!!! i remember vividly thinking years ago if i had to make up the same bed or do another load of laundry i would scream...and often did....but God showed me to "do it unto the Lord" and you know what....what at one moment would be a drudge....would supernaturally be made more pleasure....almost a "treat" at the time to be able to serve my family!!!............NOT ALWAYS, BUT SOMETIMES......!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HEY, WHATEVER WORKS....USE IT!!!!!ask for help when it's available....take off your supermom cape and burn it.....and know that we all are a work in progress and will be until we reach heaven's gate!!!!!love and prayers and thankfulness for lucy's progress and amazing bill of health....your blog touches me everytime i read it and like the countless other friends who may never meet this side of forever.....i pray for you all God's richest blessings! bettie, col. 3:17

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  30. What a beautiful family! Your honesty and transparency is refreshing, and I think every mother can relate to the stress that a home, children, errands, etc. entail. Just continue to look for the beauty even in the mundane, routine tasks that God has given you that bless your precious family.
    I wish I could be there to do laundry for you! For some reason that's the one household task that God has given me that I truly enjoy - praying that someone else near you has the same God-given gift to share!
    WONDERFUL devotional today from the Proverbs 31 Ministries online that you might find encouraging.

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  31. Lucy is cancer free. How I (and many others) have prayed for you to hear those words. I am so happy for you! I don't know why your family has been going through this, but I know that God never wastes a hurt. You are being refined for some purpose, if not in this life then in the next.

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  32. All I can say is WOW!!! AMEN!

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  33. Those last two sentences are so powerful. Thanks for the reminder.

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  34. You have a beautiful family. Our prayers will not stop!!!

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  35. Precious pictures and memories. Will continue to pray!!

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  36. Those are beautiful pictures! I love the bright, vibrant colors! Lucy's hat is so precious :)

    I am just thrilled to read that Lucy is cancer-free! So thankful for that answered prayer! I would also like to add to the rest of your readers who are saying take it easy on yourself! Toys, laundry, and household chores will keep and be there tomorrow, and the next day, and sadly, even the next! Just take some tome to relax and rejuvenate. You have been through so much, and if anyone deserves a break, it's you! You will catch up in time.

    We continue to porgy for strength and total recovery for Lucy.

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  37. What precious pictures. I know you and your whole family must be sighing a sigh of relief. As far as the control thing goes....that will get better with age. There are many of us who wanted be super moms but as time goes on that diminishes. You can only do what you can do. I will be praying that God will continue to give you peace and that you will be able to distinguish what is that good thing. You are such an inspiration to so many people; young and old alike. My prayers are always with you. We serve an awesome God!

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  38. Ooops...that's "pray" for Lucy. I obviously failed typing 101 :-o

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  39. Wonderful pictures of the kids & your family :) Keeping you all in our daily prayers...

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  40. Beautiful beautiful beautiful kiddos!!!

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  41. Kate-
    Your last several post have brought me to tears, not as the ones in the past of heart ache and pure hurt that only another mother can feel deep down to the core, but of pure joy of seeing you and your beutiful family so happy. I hope that you always know that Lucy's journey has changed so many lives of people everywhere. I tuely believe that all things have a purpose and I think Lucy as well as you are serving that purpose to its fullest. There are times I have read your updates to only sob and think how could you, as a mother, handle this, but then I know God is working through you. Thank you for making me a better mother and showing me how to have strength, keep things in perspective and let God take control. I will continue to pray for Lucy and your entire family.

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  42. I'm so glad to hear that Lucy's still doing great. I'll continue praying that her next set of scans comes back just as good as these did. All of the kids look so cute in their outfits on the beach. especially little Miss Lucy!

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  43. It is so good to see all of your babies happy and smiling. I'm so happy that y'all are together as a family now.

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  44. Prayed at a beautiful house of God in Boston last weekend with my husband for your Lucy and for your family. Our thoughts are with your family on your earthly journey.

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  45. Beautiful children, God Bless you all!

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  46. such beautiful children! each such a blessing! thank you for sharing this journey with us! continuous prayers for sweet Lucy!

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  47. You are a human faced with never-ending super-human challenges and emergencies. C. S. Lewis' couldn't find God just after he lost his beloved wife, H, but he did find Him again. God was there all the time. God will help you get the house in order. He will order your steps and send help.

    I love the photos of your beautiful children. May God continue to surround your family with his love, comfort, wisdom, protection, ever help in time of need, and may his healing hand stay persistently upon Lucy.

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  48. GOD IS GOOD KATE,I TOOK CARE OF MY MOM FOR 20 YEARS I WAS IN MY 30'S WHEN I GAVE UP MY LIFE FOR HER SHE WAS SO SICK AND I DIDN'T WANT TO PUT HER IN A HOME AND ON THE 20TH OF FEB 2012 4 MONTHS AGO HE TOOK HER HOME I HAD SEEN HER IN PAIN YOU NAME IT I SEEN IT AND WHEN I GOT HER TO THE HOSPITAL I ASK GOD TO DO WHAT HE THOUGHT WAS BEST BECAUSE HE KNEW HOW SICK SHE WAS AS WELL AS I DID, WELL HE DID WHAT HE THOUGHT WAS BEST HE TOOK HER HOME SHE WAS JUST 70. I DREAM ABOUT HER NO MORE PAIN HAD SHE IS VERY HAPPY...I MISS HER WITH ALL MY HEART....JUST LET HE DO THE WORRING FOR A FEW HE DON'T MIND :(

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  49. You know, I never understand why things happen the way they do. I believe in fate but there are times when I am deeply puzzled by the way things happen and it is unsettling. I can identify with the control part as I suppose if I didn't feel the need to be in control I would not be as puzzled.

    The photos of your family are terrific. Children are not good at hiding their feelings and the look on each child's face is quite encouraging. Ella continues to dazzle me with her beauty and Jack is just adorable. Lucy looks good for a child who has been to hell and back, quite good actually, and that is a blessing.

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  50. I am so happy for Lucy and your family! God is good!

    The pic of your family is fabulous-your children are beautiful. I'm still praying. God answers prayers-just like Lucy's prayers! Go Lucy Go!

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  51. Love the beach pics! From one "supermom" to another...praying for both of us & our control issues.

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  52. Life is precious and you of all mothers know this. I have been following your journey and have never commented before now. My prayers have been with you and my heart has ached. Now my heart rejoices with the wonderful news of Lucy's cancer free status. As a health professional and christian I thank our loving Father for His blessing. You are too hard on yourself and if anyone deserves to rest it would be you. However, as a mother I too understand how important it is to be organized. Just remember don't sweat the small stuff and continue to follow the path that God has provided and everything else will fall into place. May Lucy continue to improve and make great strides every day. You have a beautiful family and following your story has increased my faith with God making me desire to try to live as Christ like as possible. You have been an inspiration to many but especially to me. Thank you!

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  53. We will never stop praying for Lucy and her family. The family picture of all of you at the beach is so beautiful! It is so full of hope, thankfulness, and answered prayer.

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  54. Give thanks IN everything (not FOR like I used to believe it said :)

    Thank you for your testimony, it has helped me in my walk with God and prayer life. (Our 2 yo daughter is also named Lucy) God bless.

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  55. Beautiful pictures ....so happy and hopeful for your family!

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  56. You area definiely an inspiraion to us all. What beautiful pictures. Jack is growing, Ella is so beautiful and Lucy is a miracle. My prayers continue for all things good. Believing is not always easy but Lucy has shown us miracles happen.

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  57. wow, Kate, great post. I was definitely led by God to read this post. I am so glad Lucy is doing so well.

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  58. Beautiful blog along with your beautiful family! Amazing you posted words from C.S. Lewis as I started reading his first book in The Chronicles of Narnia to my children just last week. I have said it before and will say it again...I feel your ability to express your thoughts and feelings need to be put into a book form, so others who do not see your blog can gain from the wisdom the Lord is sharing with you.

    Thank you again for sharing yourself with me!

    Carmen Pfeifer

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  59. I am so happy that you're home together, that Lucy's scans were clear and pray that continues. Don't push yourself, live for the moment. You have been through such a terrible ordeal, you must be exhausted from the roller coast of life you been given to ride. Loved seeing the photos and everyone so thrilled to be together. " One day at a time ".

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  60. What beautiful photos of your beautiful family, Kate! What precious, happy beach memories!

    When there aren't nurses and doctors surrounding you, and hospital schedules to follow, and everyday life is there to confront you at every turn, of course it must seem overwhelming. Anxiety can be frightening and can really get you down. I can understand how being at home might cause you to feel panicked by trying to do it all yourself. Even though home is your turf, don't hesitate to ask friends and family for assistance. It's important that they know how to help you so that you can stay mentally and spiritually healthy. You've been doing an amazing job in the face of super challenging circumstances, so try not to be so hard on yourself. When that overwhelmed/anxious feeling creeps up on you next time, remember how strong you are and how much you and Lucy have already conquered.

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  61. Beautiful pictures of a beautiful family. They made my heart smile.

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  62. Your family portrait looks like a professional did it for a magazine. Beautiful. I love Lucy's outfit with hat, and that all of your apparel coordinates with the blues, reds, and lovely combinations with white and black, just beautiful. But best of all, I love that Lucy's health is improving, and am thankful that the Lord is teaching us to praise Him better through her and your trials and tribulations. I pray that she continues to improve steadily, and that Kate you will have a steady strength to carry you through each difficulty, come what may. God bless you and your beautiful brood. :)

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