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9.28.2011

Last Chemo

Well, its done.  One of our favorite nurses, Ramelle, just took down our last bag of Cyclophosphomide.  I sure thought I would be more excited than I am.  But it's hard to be too thrilled when Lucy has vomitted too much this morning and is too tired to get out of bed.  I'm trying to put things into perspective but I think I'm just a little numb.  My friend Amanda said today that it probably wouldn't really hit me until they take her line out, or her hair starts coming back, or she walks in the door of TCA with Mrs. Crystal holding her hand and I have to drive away.  Right now, I am just numb.


I know I should be so happy and excited.  But I'm not.  My chest is tight, my stomach is in knots.  Honestly, I am scared to death.  I have prayed for peace, and will continue to, but right now it is not coming.  I feel like my tiny grasp of control over Lucy's cancer is being ripped from my hands.  This is the part where I have to put my words into action.  My words of faith and trust.  Those things are easy to write about but so hard to put into action.  Walking away from this hospital will be one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. 

Today Lucy did OT, then school, then PT all back to back.  She was exhausted but pushed through.  She even had to stop to vomit between her coloring page and writing page.  How many children do that in a day?  None should have to, that's for sure.  She is restless this afternoon and her mouth hurts.  We have made it thus far without those nasty mouth sores we were warned about.  I am praying hard she doesn't get them now.  The vomitting just makes things worse day by day. 

Ok..so wow!  The last hour has been crazy.  The mouth pain just intensified to a point of screaming.  It was awful.  After codeine, benadryl, morphine and phenergen she is now sleeping.  And you know what stinks?  I have to wake her up an hour to pee.  That is why I can't be excited about that last bad of chemo.  It doesn't all just end when they take the bag down.  We still have such a long way to go. 

Thank you all for your continued prayers. 


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18 comments:

  1. MeganSeptember 28, 2011 at 2:41 PM

    I have been praying for little Lucy since I first found your story. Congrats for finishing chemo! I know it is so hard to just let go and let God, especially in terms of the life of your child but I will be praying for peace for you and your husband both. Children like Lucy are the reason I want to become a child life specialist. She is such a little fighter and you should be so very proud of her (and Ella and Jack as well!).

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  2. AnonymousSeptember 28, 2011 at 2:51 PM

    Dear God,
    Grant Kate the peace she needs to make it through this day and the days to come.
    Amen,

    GO LUCY GO!
    Julia

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  3. FionaSeptember 28, 2011 at 3:00 PM

    Thinking of you, and of Lucy, and of your whole family, and hoping for peace, and acceptance, and a normal life again VERY SOON.

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  4. SusiSeptember 28, 2011 at 3:59 PM

    Oh, poor little Lucy:( has she had any scans yet to see if the treatment is working? I understand you are scared. Finishing treatments and leaving the hospital is one of those "steps" that are hard for families that face cancer.. knowing that something "happens" (like receiving treatment) gives a feeling of security of some sort. You're all in my prayers!! Greetings from a Swedish lurker on your blog.. Hugs to you all!
    By the way, I read your message above, maybe you should try using Disqus for your comments? Then people will receive an e-mail when you reply to their comments. Feel free to contact me for help if you want.

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  5. AnonymousSeptember 28, 2011 at 5:10 PM

    Still praying for Lucy and your brave family...we'll keep the prayers coming!!!

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  6. AnonymousSeptember 28, 2011 at 6:29 PM

    Lucy, I just read your moms blog today....what an inspiring little girl. I am going to tell my church to keep you in prayer

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  7. christySeptember 28, 2011 at 7:22 PM

    you are such an amazing woman, kate. lucy is a brave little girl. she is blessed to have you as her mom, that is for sure. i hate that you have to wake her to pee. i can't imagine how hard just that alone would be...to wake your little girl who needs to sleep off her pain. oh how my heart goes out to your whole family. i pray daily for you guys!!

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  8. AnonymousSeptember 28, 2011 at 8:22 PM

    Kate,
    Just want you to know that I've been keeping up with you all daily and have been praying for you SO MUCH!! You have all been through so much, and I pray and BELIEVE for you and your precious family that this will all be over soon, and life will return to the normal and wonderful way you long for. Sending you SO MUCH LOVE!!!! I hope to see you guys again, soon!!!! In the meantime, GOD BLESS YOU!!!!! You're a BEAUTIFUL and STRONG family!!!
    XOXX Tracie Hamilton

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  9. child of GodSeptember 28, 2011 at 9:36 PM

    Continuing to pray and pray for Lucy! Praying this cancer is gone. Praying so often for your little girl, you and your family.

    Hang in there!
    <><

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  10. Laura LeeSeptember 28, 2011 at 10:39 PM

    Have been praying continually since I heard about your story near the beginning. Lucy is truly and INSPIRATION and so are YOU. You are an amazing mother to her and to the other two precious children. Your honesty, faithfulness and sincerity will be noticed by Lucy, Ella and Jack for years to come. What a treasure to show and teach them these qualities by living each and every day. I cannot wait to log on and see Lucy back at school with her friends and you and your husband back into a normal routine. I hope that you will continue to post when those days come. I will still need my daily dose of the Krull family. May God's peace be with you and Lucy tonight and may you feel his loving arms wrapped very tightly around you! Sending prayers from East Memphis!

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  11. MorganSeptember 29, 2011 at 7:09 AM

    Praising God for bringing you to this point, and asking for perfect peace as he carries you to the end of this journey!

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  12. AnonymousSeptember 29, 2011 at 7:21 AM

    You are rright - it doesn't end when the bag comes down. In so many ways it just begins. I hated watching my mom go through chemo, I can't imagine watching my child do it. My prayers are with you all. Praying Lucy has a better day - then Mommy will too.

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  13. T.JanzenSeptember 29, 2011 at 8:01 AM

    Yes, my sister-in-law felt the same way when my nephew (her son) was finished his last chemo. (My nephew was 5 at the time and is now 19 and in his 2nd year of college).

    She said almost the same thing you said about the lose of control. Lucy's a fighter and a beautiful little girl. We are praying for you all.

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  14. UnknownSeptember 29, 2011 at 9:00 AM

    I never thought about the end of chemo with this perspective before. You're so right though. It's not really over. Ugh. The good news is that the chemo is going to do it's thing and God is doing His thing and we're all in this with you! Keep your chin up!

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  15. hgbabySeptember 29, 2011 at 2:15 PM

    I was just thinking of how I might feel if I were in your shoes. i thought I may feel relieved and scared at the same time. Relieved to be done with treatment and scared to be done with the thing I was actively doing to make my baby well. Exactly like Susi said above. i have said a few extra prayers for you girls lately. I still think of Lucy daily and I can't wait to see her hair grow in (on your blog as I sit here in PA). And watch her grow past this stage of her life onto a better adventure! Hugs from far away!

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  16. KrisSeptember 30, 2011 at 10:03 AM

    I have never posted but read your blog religiously---hang in there Kate I hope you get good news SOON!!

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  17. halSeptember 30, 2011 at 10:42 PM

    .."are you weary, are you heavy-hearted..tell it to Jesus today"...

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  18. Missy HarrisOctober 8, 2011 at 11:15 AM

    Kate my mom went through the same fear when she finished chemo for breast cancer, she was so glad it was over but also scared because she felt like nothing was fighting the cancer anymore. Our Lord comforted her & gave her peace just as I know He will give it to you. I will be praying for that peace for you & of course for sweet Lucy. He is in control!!!!
    Thank you Lord for taking care of Lucy through chemo!!!
    Praying, Missy

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