9.16.2011

Tired

I'm tired of it.  All of it.  Lucy is not going in on Sunday.  Counts were all off.  Hgb 8.0, Platelets 38 and ANC 700.  I'm pretty sure I just made an a** of myself in the clinic.  Tears, snot.  The whole works.  I was not as nice as I should have been to the NP.  I know its not her fault but sometimes you can't help but to kill the messenger. 

Trying to understand it all and make sense of this consant merry-go-round.  There is a reason Lucy is on high dose chemo and a reason why protocol has her going in every 4 weeks.  I need to have reassurance from the doctors that these delays are safe.  That she is going to be ok.  I've requested a meeting with her doc.  Maybe I'll get some peace about the situation then. 

Right now, I'm just angry.  Very, very not happy.
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23 comments:

  1. Just continue to place it in God's hands!

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  2. Bless your heart... I sincerely mean that. Being from the South, it is common for us to use the expression "bless her/his heart" to complete a statement when we just have nothing more to say regarding a situation... today, I am asking God to bless your heart. May He hold you and keep you in a way that meets your needs... snuggle up in His palm and let Him carry you.

    As I was scrolling down to read this post, and clicking to leave you this note, three words from the left margin caught my eye... "child of God". You wrote that about yourself and indeed, you are a child of God. He loves you. Please allow us to carry you with prayer until you receive a better understanding... praying for you, Kate... and Lucy, too, of course.

    And by the way, I am almost certain that you are not the first mama to have a meltdown at the doctor's office/hospital nor will you be the last... I'm sure they understand... I know God does, for He saw His Son suffer, too.

    Sending my love to you and your family.

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  3. Praying for you Kate. This is a very tough journey. Asking our Daddy to comfort you.

    <><

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  4. I can't imagine how extremely stressful all of this is on you, Lucy and your family. Sometimes you just gotta LET.IT.OUT and it's OK to do just that.

    Praying for you :) and happy weekend!

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  5. The medical staff understands it. They don't take those kinds of melt downs seriously. Please don't feel badly. You are a good Mom. That is why you broke down. I'll pray that your meeting goes well with the doctor. Give Lucy a big hug. Take a small coffee break to give yourself a sanity check. Remember, cancer sucks. You are a lot stronger than I would be if placed in your shoes! Jesus loves you!

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  6. PRAYING for strength for you and yours.

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  7. You have to be the advocate for your child. It's ok to get mad...

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  8. I am mad too....for you. I totally get it, yet it hurts me to even try to relate. I cry when I read your posts like this because I imagine me in your place and replace Lucy with one of my daughters. I honestly don't know how you do it. I do know, however, that your faith is strong. I am glad of that. You keep me grounded in my daily walk and I know HE brings you comfort as well. I pray for more peace along the path that you are currently on. I honestly love you and Lucy and it appears MANY others do too. Team Lucy is and has remained the highest fund raising team for the St. Jude marathon. 15,000 and climbing. Just remember we are all praying. I hope your weekend gets better. ~Valli Kelly

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  9. Hang in there Kate and hang in there dear Lucy. Know that God is working. We're praying for the Lord to calm your anxious heart and give you peace. Your faith has given me strength since I found your blog almost a year ago. Thank you for your honesty and thank you for not sugar coating your world and your walk. It has been amazing to see God working in your family.

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  10. Have you ever seen someone fight who wasn't angry? You are fighting cancer. Be angry all you want. You are human and what a wonderful human you are. Praying for all of you.

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  11. Praying for your heart to be filled with peace. I do not know what you are going through, but I'm pretty sure I would have "killed the messenger" many times along the path you are on. You are very strong and brave. I know this is super hard, but trust in GOD. Praying for you today and always!!

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  12. Lucy and you as well as your who,e family are in my prayers! Get mad and fight for what you believe in! Stand firm in your faith!,,

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  13. Selena's msg says it all. I just wanted to add that "we are standing in the gap" for you and Lucy. Cry, scream and rant, it's understandable and I'm sure as "anonymous" said above "they understand". You should be angry. Lucy nor any child should have to endure this horrible disease. You have every right to be angry. You are so very much in my thoughts and prayers. You are Lucy's biggest advocate! I admire you to the utmost.

    PS Happy 1st Birthday Jack and Ella not only are you an awesome sister to Jakc and Lucy, but I see you are an awesome soccer player as well! Great Job!!

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  14. Dear friend....I am so sorry. I can't even imagine the pain, sorrow and burdens you are bearing and facing. You are in my heart and prayers...today, and every day. Much love, alice

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  15. Father God, In the name of Jesus I am asking that you send a spirit of peace to Kate.

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  16. Kate, my name is Maria. You don't know me, but I came across your blog a while back and since then, I have been reading your weekly post and praying for you, your family and Lucy.
    After reading your comment today, I had to write you.
    Kate, 8 years ago, I was you.
    My husband and I went through something very similar to what you are going through with our youngest son.
    He was only 12 years old at the time and two weeks before Christmas 2003, the doctors told us he had two months to live.
    All I can say to you is that is very much ok to scream and cry and loose it, because you have earned that right!
    I lost it many, many times. I am not proud of it, but it couldn't be helped.
    You are a strong woman, that is easy to see.
    Keep your faith strong and hold on to each other and you guys will pull through.
    I am very happy to tell you that our family did.
    Our son is 19 now and completely healed.
    Thank you, Jesus!
    I will keep you all in my prayers and will keep checking on your blog because I do not want to miss the day the miracle happens for Lucy. And it will.
    Big hug

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  17. Sending so many good thoughts your way

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  18. Awww! Will be praying! Remain strong in His love!!! He is in control and knows what He is doing, even when we would like to just give up.

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  19. I came across your blog a while ago...don't even remember how really. Your story has touched my heart. I'm a pediatric nurse that frequently works with cancer patients. In truth, they are my passion. I know your fight is long and hard. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

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  20. Kate,
    I have been following Lucy's journey for quite some time now. My son was diagnosed with cancer at age 2, and now he is 7. This October he will be declared cured as long as there is no relapse between now and then. May that give you hope. But I know the frustration you feel right now. I remember breaking down at times, always to be told that the medical staff understood. I also remember a point which was crucial to my son's treatment, and it was delayed because of his counts. At the time we were very concerned, but then I had to have an emergency appendectomy. Praise God that I had a bit of time to recover before very difficult treatment resumed so that when it did I could care for him. God was looking over us and providing for us, although I didn't realize that until later. I am NOT wishing any emergency surgeries on you, but I do think the things we don't understand and that worry us greatly are sometimes God's provision for us if we had the full picture. It is ok to be angry - God can handle your anger. Praying for you as I hit post.

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  21. jason and deanne hugheySeptember 16, 2011 at 10:49 PM

    Kate, we are praying for you all. You have to keep trusting in our Lord! I pray that the Lord comforts and strengthens you all. I can't imagine what you are going through but know that we are all here for all of you.

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  22. When our son had leukemia there were also many ups and downs like this. It felt like an uncertain neverending roller coaster of emotions. The truth is some days are better, others are worse,with many "surprises" along the way, and there were honestly times I didn't think I'd "make" it emotionally and was just so angry, fearful, worried and sick of it all. I desperately needed to be reassured everything would turn out ok in the end(which it did; it's been 6 years now)and it was frustrating no one could give it to me.I can completely sympathize with you 100% but all things must pass. This will become your new "normal" and you WILL get thru it.

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  23. I'm praying! I don't really know what to write. It's very difficult to see Lucy and your family in this situation! I'm praying daily...multiple times daily for y'all! May God give you comfort and peace!

    Love in Christ,
    Allison

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