Sometimes I choose to forget. Sometimes I simple ignore it and pretend like it's going to go away. But it's there. Life. And it's still hard. Everyday I smile and put on the best face that I can in public, but sometimes, things aren't always as they appear. Life is hard post cancer. It may never the same, actually.
The past few weeks I've allowed myself to get swept away in a false reality that things are hunky-dory around here. I've thrown myself into several projects and have been spending a lot of time at the girls' school. I've let things slip around the house and unfortunately for us, once you get behind its almost impossible to get caught back up. I don't think it's that I've been skirting my responsibility, but rather that I've been fooling myself thinking that I can do it ALL. Maybe at one point in my life I could. Throw in a child with special needs and a 2 year old and the whole ballgame changes.
Lucy had a major meltdown at school today. I think it was actually more of an anxiety attack. I don't know what triggered it, nor would she tell me what got her so worked up. All I know is that after talking with her teacher and the assistant, we still have a long ways to go at school. Academically she is doing great, but there are so many social challenges that she struggling with. PE is a major frustration and her lack of independence/mobility really hinders her ability to play with and make friends.
Erik and I had a long talk today and we have decided to regroup. We are refocusing our priorities at home. We both want so desperately to grab hold of a normal life but we just aren't there right now. There is still work to be done to try to rebuild our life after cancer. Lucy needs more of our attention to help her get physically stronger and Ella needs more structure in her night time routines. The last thing I need is for her to get behind at school. She needs to be pushed in math and that just adds one more priority to the list.
I've decided to simplify our lives for a while. No Pinterest experiments, no taking on extra volunteer projects and nothing extra at night unless its absolutely mandatory. Life for us may be very regimented for a while, but its what we need. It's what my children have to have. I know Lucy is at a school where she can thrive and she is protected, and for that I am so very grateful. We've just got to figure out how to help her be the best Lucy she can be, despite her limitations. We are hunkering down and getting serious at our house. We've got some major work to do and we are determined to succeed.
On a completely unrelated note, I have never been so proud of Ella than I was this morning. I drove up to help Lucy maneuver school pictures and this is what I saw:
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The little girl in the back ground is Ella praying at our school's See You At The Pole. My precious girl is totally unashamed of her love for God. And praying...wow! She can say a prayer that will humble you and melt your heart. She is an awesome child. All three of my children are. They deserve more than I am giving them now. I just have to figure out how to give more.
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Always praying for y'all Kate!
ReplyDeleteKate, you are doing a great job juggling everything. You are a fantastic, loving, caring mom and if I was with you right now I would give you a hug.
ReplyDeleteRemember this: sometimes more is less.
Life changes. Sometimes the punches we get hurt but if we learn to roll with them the impact of the blow is lessen. You have had so many punches that have knocked the wind out of you yet you are still going and thriving.
It is so hard for Lucy wanting to keep up with the others. I just know that with your support she will realize that she is unique and will develop and really, already has developed in other ways that the other children haven't yet, or ever will. She has fought cancer, won and continues to grow and thrive. She is special. She is blessed and dearly loved all over the world.
I am always praying for you and your family. You will make it through this little bump in the road too. I think you are so great Kate, really I do and I am honoured to know you, even if it is only through the internet.
Praying and blessings,
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Like everything else that you and Erik have gone through, you will make adjustments as you go along and figure out what works best for your family. We know that the two of you will find the path God wants you on. And we will continue to lift your entire family up in prayer. You aren't alone, Kate. We may not be able to help out in the demanding day to day routines, but you can count on us to continue to intercede with God for strength, wisdom and endurance for your family and complete healing for Lucy.
ReplyDeleteWonderful picture of Ella - and we can see Lucy too! Prayers for your beautiful family . . .
ReplyDeleteDaily life and school is stressing, time consuming and just plain tiring. Add to it Lucy's needs that are special to her, that darling little Jack and Ella needing your time and it is any wonder you are needing to regroup. How you have done it so far is amazing!! Keep in mind the only people who matter is your beautiful family. Forget Blogging and Pinterest and calls for volunteering--all you need is to spend your time in the way it is needed with your family! That is it. Less chaos and turmoil means more to your husband and children and yourself. It means your life. When things start to go more smoothly--you can go back to your busy extras in life. Everyone understands--no one and nothing comes before family.....
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out to all of you, Kate. Take time and also be sure to enjoy all of the small moments. - Bea
ReplyDeleteGood for you!! It has to take time for a "new normal" to take place AC (after cancer). We lost our little girl but the cancer roller coaster involved our whole family!! You are such an amazing honest person!
ReplyDeleteDearest Kate....
ReplyDeleteA mother's guilt is a TERRIBLE thing to deal with....isn't it? We Mama's are hardest on ourselves ....aren't we?! As a mama of 3 great kids myself and myself, living with a Chronic illness, I KNOW GUILT!!! But, at the same time I have been assured by MANY different people...including therapists that b/c of my illness my children will (and have) learned empathy.
Any illness sucks Kate and I cannot imagine what you have had to go through with Lucy but please know you are not the only one who has learned lessons from this journey....your whole family has. Please try NOT to be so hard on yourself? You my friend are a Wonderful Mama!!! Your kids are happy, well taken care off, well rounded & LOVED....So so LOVED!!!. You can see how much by the pictures!!!
Just take one day & just take solace in knowing you are doing the very best you can for your children. Be proud of yourself Kate.....I sure am Kate!!!
Love,
Jenn
YOu have to do what is best for your family..(I think it's a great idea) and awesome of Ella...
ReplyDeleteKate I totally understand where you are coming from. My family also suffered a horrible tragedy concerning a loved one almost ten years ago. I think I have commented before on here about this, but my little sister, Erica, who is actually the middle child just like Lucy, was diagnosed with autism right before she turned five. I was about 8 and my youngest sister Audrey was about 3. I know that autism and cancer are not similar at all, and each of our families have had different journeys, but I can relate to your story on many levels. When my family sought out treatment for Erica we moved over two thousand miles when I was ten (from Texas to Vermont) just to be close to schools that could help her and doctors who would treat her, this involved having to be separated from my dad for almost 3 months while he finished up his job in Texas and looked for a new one in Vermont. We treated Erica with something called chelation for years to try and draw out many of the heavy metals that were in her body, which we believed, had caused her to become autistic. We noticed much improvement in Erica as the metals were extracted, she became so much more social and her eye contact improved greatly. Unfortunately, the metals had been in her body long enough to cause permanent damage that no amount of treatment has been able to fix. Erica is fourteen now, however she probably has the mental capacity of that of a seven year old. But my sister is the sweetest person that I have ever met, and even though she wasn’t the sister I expected to have, she has been the biggest blessing that I could ever asked for. Having a sibling or a child with special needs just opens you up in a whole new way; you see the world differently because of this, but being able to see the world this was is a huge blessing. This is something I have come to realize just over the past few months, it has taken me a very long time to come to terms with who my sister is now and the girl that she used to be. I still struggle with this everyday and it is a decade down the road from when my sister was diagnosed. Having a child who has special needs is of course never going to be easy; part of you is always going to mourn the person that she used to be. Really it is a grieving process, and I think that sometimes you just have to allow yourself to feel these emotions, because it is really the only way that you can try to move past them. Remember that you did “lose” a loved one, maybe not in the physical sense, but sometimes it hurts just as much as if you had. It is now ten years later and sometimes my family is still trying to adjust to our "new" lives with my sister and her special needs. I wish that I could tell you that it gets easier; I really wish that I could, but honestly I don’t know if it does. But I have faith though that Lucy will continue to improve and that your family will continue to heal. Kate, I really hope that you realize what an AMAZING mother that you are! You have done everything that you possibly could for your family and more. This is coming from a child who has watched her mother do everything humanely possible to help her daughter have a chance at a better life. I see so much of my mom in you; I just wanted to let you know. I wish the absolute best for your family! I send my prayers out to you, Erik, Ella, Lucy, and Jack everyday! I hope that you can take something out of this, I’m sorry for this mini novel, but I really just felt as though I needed to tell you this.
ReplyDeleteLots and lots of love!
Lauren
There are a lot of us who want to do it ALL, and do it perfectly, especially women! But there is joy and freedom in asking for help, in letting go of the small things, in embracing simplicity. I know you will find life easier if you're less hard on yourself about doing it ALL. The love you have is the best ALL there is, and your family will continue to benefit from that great love.
ReplyDeleteI ache for Lucy as she struggles socially. And for your whole family as they deal with the impact of after cancer. Yet I cannot imagine a better mother to lead the way than you. As you take steps forward while taking some steps back from doing too much, please remember to be kind to yourself.
Kate, have you ever thought about a mentor for Ella? I thought about this because I used to be an elementary school mentor. It might just give her an extra push in her math and it would give her something special that would be "just hers." There might be a program at her school, or a community one like Big Brothers Big Sisters. I've been following your blog for awhile and I'm just so proud of your family. I'm twenty-nine and I lost my mom to cancer last March. My entire life was flipped upside down...I think of it as being in a snow globe where everything is set up perfect, then someone comes along, picks it up, and shakes it hard and I'm trying my hardest to grab everything. I really want to get back into mentoring because I love working with kids and I'm really good at it! Anyway, just a thought :) xo!
ReplyDeleteYou are doing right to scale back. I know you will be pleased with the results.
ReplyDeleteI am proud of you. You are wise.
Thank you for sharing your life with us.
Praying for you guys always...
ReplyDeleteMichelle - CA
Kate-I've commented a couple of times on here and also do Fun Fridays. I think you are a strong mommy! Cancer really sucks! My best friend has twin boys and in June they found out one of the boys has an inoperable brain tumor in the brain stem. I've watched my best friend fight as hard as she can for her little boys life. I admire the mommas who are so strong for their kids. It breaks my heart that kids are dealt with a deck of cards like this. My family prays nightly for you guys. Sidenote your little Jack and my Gannon are the same age and look very similar! :)
ReplyDeleteHttp://countryrootscityliving.blogspot.com
You are an amazing Mom. God never promised us life would be easy. That's one reason he you all of us to lean on when it's tough. We love you and Lucy and Erik and Ella (I'm so proud of Ella, she's so much like her Mom) and Jack. We're always praying for you and we hear to listen anytime. You are not alone.
ReplyDeleteYou are doing a wonderful job, submitting your heart to God, teaching your children too, to lean on Him during the tough times (and the good times, too). Lifting you in prayer, also Lucy, that God will give her peace and joy in the anxious times. You have a very sweet family. May God wrap His arms of love around you today :)
ReplyDeleteBless your sweet heart! Every time I look at your blog I think, "What an incredible mom!!!" I know I don't know you personally, but I have to say that you are balancing WAY more then I am, and you totally kick my butt at it all! I'll remember YOU as well as your family in my prayers that you can all find the balance you need. (And sweet little Lucy! What a tough little girl she is!)
ReplyDeletewe don't know each other, but i check in here every few days to see how your family is doing. and from the first time i read the blog (this past spring), i've wanted to tell you how much i admire you. and here's why: you do such a good job of of honoring ALL your children. i'm sure it would be easy to focus on lucy, but i feel i know just as much about ella and jack. someday when they all look back at this, they will be able to know just how very much you loved them all. that's the mark of a wonderful mother.
ReplyDeleteAh Kate a mother's guilt is a terrible burden. I wish I did half as much for my kids as you do for yours. The want of a normal life is not that unexpected considering what your family has been through. I keep praying every day for your family since I feel like I know you all. All of your kids are special and wonderful and have dealt so well with all of the blows life has handed them. As they get older they will begin to understand and appreciate all that you and Erik have done and continue to do for them. You are awesome parents and don't ever forget that. As the lady below said I too admire you. Your strength and wisdom has helped so many people realize that what we have been handed is nothing compared to that of you and your family. If you can handle it with grace and dignity than we can handle whatever life throws at us too. Prayers to you all!!
ReplyDeletePraying for you and your family. Thank you for sharing your heart, your life, your joys and struggles, and your story for HIS glory.
ReplyDeleteprayers and hugs
Kate you are an amazing Mom and I know you will do whats best for your 3 children,,,,just remember "God will never give you more than you can handle" and sometimes we question that and think we can't take anymore but things always look better the next day....don't sale yourself short you do alot and your kids know you love them. Ella is wonderful, brought tears to my eyes.....I wish more prayer was in the schools...
ReplyDeleteI have never posted to you but have been following your blog since Lucy became sick. I give "Lucy Updates" at my little country church every Sunday through it all I would read your blog posts to everyone at my church and with every service ending prayer whomever is praying always ends their prayer with Lord, bless Lucy and heal her body in Jesus name amen. I am a Partner in Hope for St. Jude and today I received a mailout. Inside was a 2013 calendar. Funny because just before leaving my house this morning I was thinking that I needed a new year calender. I was so proud to open to June and see Miss Lucy! God bless you and your family! I pray that God continues to heal Lucy to full recovery. He's already done amazing things in her body and I know he isnt finished yet! WIth love, Cassi Boyd West Fork Arkansas.
ReplyDeleteI have never posted to you but have been following your blog since Lucy became sick. I give "Lucy Updates" at my little country church every Sunday through it all I would read your blog posts to everyone at my church and with every service ending prayer whomever is praying always ends their prayer with Lord, bless Lucy and heal her body in Jesus name amen. I am a Partner in Hope for St. Jude and today I received a mailout. Inside was a 2013 calendar. Funny because just before leaving my house this morning I was thinking that I needed a new year calender. I was so proud to open to June and see Miss Lucy! God bless you and your family! I pray that God continues to heal Lucy to full recovery. He's already done amazing things in her body and I know he isnt finished yet! WIth love, Cassi Boyd West Fork Arkansas.
ReplyDeleteShe loves God because you do, and she prays the way she does because she's heard you pray. Your kids are awesome because you are awesome! Just had to point that out and give credit where it's due!
ReplyDeleteKate, I don't presume to know what's best for your family, but when you said you just need to figure out how to give more to your children because they deserve more, I felt a rush of fear that that's not what you are supposed to be feeling. Your husband and you are giving your all, and that's all you can give. Don't ever feel as if you are doing any less than that. God will give you strength for each day as it comes, and from what I have read, you have relied on that strength famously. Take heart and know that the three Krull children have the absolute best parents in the world that they could possibly have.
ReplyDeleteTake your time, breath, no pressure. You'll get there. Praying for all the Krulls.
ReplyDeleteJanet, Thank you, you said just what I was thinking however you probably said it better than I could/would have.Kate is what I believe to be an awesome Mom ,even though I do not know her personnely I wish I did.
ReplyDeleteLauren, You sound very wise beyond your years. What a very nice post, doyou have a public blog? Tammie vermonter34@gmail.com
ReplyDeleteKate, There is so much I could say but after reading all others comments they have said it all. Everything I would have said others have said and we all are thinking the same way. You are very hard on yourself as we all seem to be as Moms but Kate you are such an awesome mom. The photo just shows exactly what an awesome mom you are by looking at your children and seeing just what they are becoming by watching and listening to you and Erik. (Ella leading prayer) That is just 1 of the many many things that speak for what kind of parents you both are. You are in my thoughts daily Kate.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry, Kate. I am sorry that it is hard. I wish it wasn't. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and it will get done. Her learning may take a back seat. Her body is working so hard to function properly and it may take away some of her strength to focus as we expect other kids her age. She will catch up. Try not to worry and let the Lord give you peace in this. If she is overwhelmed that is a sign. She is the strongest and bravest girl I know. Trust her. Trust God. And in the meantime I will pray focused prayers for you all.
ReplyDeleteGood for you Kate, on your choice to simplfy life right now. You have acted like and been super mom/woman for a long time. You need some spance to retrgroup so life in the form of a break doesn't sneak up on you. Praying for you.
ReplyDeleteKate, I don't know if I have posted to you before but I have followed Lucy for awhile and pray for her nightly. With that said I give you a HUG, you are absolutely a wonderful mother to all of your children. Simplifying is great but you also need to realize your children know you are giving them there all, they know this because you are there for them both at home and at school. By being at school you are showing them how vested you are in your kids and their education and yes something always slips when you vary from your schedule. Like you I have 3 children, none with special needs that requires more and i know how off schedule you can become and how behind one gets but I believe that God gives us the strength to catch up. (I just sent my last to school this year so I had to balance one at home and 2 at school as well. Even with them all at school now I still have to schedule so I can get everything done.) You know this better than most you live for today and not tomorrow. So if the laundry is not totally done, the beds completely made or a fancy dinner on the table so what you had fun being with your kids at home and at school. Like you I like a routine for my kids on school night and there are time we struggle to stick with it. Get that routine down for your family after that return to the girls school to volunteer, spend sometime that you enjoy.
ReplyDeleteMy heart breaks when you talk about Lucy and the lack of friends she has at school. Kids are not always nice and someone as sweet as Lucy is someone that would make any child a great friend. Just a suggestions the teacher maybe can try so the others can spend sometime with Lucy and truly get to know her but still have fun too. Maybe they can do a buddy system in class where each week kids get buddied up and they spend some part of the day playing together or even having lunch together. I think if the barriers are broken down for the kids they will know they won't hurt Lucy by playing with her. It's sad we have to teach children just because someone looks different doesn't mean they are any different then us inside. Most children are scared of what they don't know and if they know Lucy is just like them the will forget she has to use a walker to get around.
Finally as for Ella, talk to her teacher about pushing her in Math. There are things she can do and send home for her to do. Especially in your case they can take that extra step to send stuff home for Math. They should also have a program at school for those children that are more advanced in reading and math to push them harder. Just a thought.
You are a wonderful mother and you all are doing a wonderful job raising your children even with those obsticles in your way.