Today was a Mixed Bag

Today was a mixed bag.  Lots of emotions and lots of stress.  It was a Xanax day for sure.  I've taken 4 in 2 years, but today I couldn't breathe.  The further we get from treatment and the close we get to remission, the stakes just continue to increase.

It started last night was Ella had her first swim meet of the season.  It was at St. George's School in Memphis and there are so many horrible memories associated with the last time we swam there.  We had only hours before gotten the news that Lucy was given no chance.  June 2012.  We were preparing to watch her die.  Ella has a meet.  She did not know.  Erik and my Dad went, but fought tears and wrestled to maintain their composure the whole time.  All the while knowing that in a few short hours they would tell Ella that her baby sister was dying.

So while last night was wrought with memories, it was also an exciting time to celebrate how far Lucy has come and what a great job swimming Ella did.

 As we woke up at 5:00 this morning, the fact that I had been awake since 3:30 with an uneasy feeling was not lost on me.  Sometime just wasn't settling well with my mind and I couldn't figure it out.  I had peace about the cancer; I really did.  But something else...

As I got ready this morning I threw on my three special bracelets and knew I was ready to take on the day.  The champagne Pandora is an angel that was given to me as soon as Lucy got sick.  I haven't taken it off since.  The other two were made by a sweet cancer survivor and her friend from Atlanta.

About 20 minutes into our drive we saw the most amazing rainbow ever.  It was so bright and so huge.  We both said that we were going to count that as a sign from God that His promises would remain true for our lives.  To make it even sweeter, a second rainbow appeared.  Taking pictures from inside a moving truck with an iPhone didn't quite do the spectacle justice.

Lucy was ready for sedation and I was more nervous than a cat.  I still couldn't breathe easily but had confidence that her scans would be cancer free.  The agonizing 3 hour wait to get our baby girl back was hard.  The following 2 hours waiting to meet the doctor were even harder.  Both Erik and I were sick.  I was near vomiting and even felt as if I would hyperventilate at one point.

How Lucy stayed for nearly 2 hours after sedation recovery.

When Dr. W--who remains the best oncologist in all the world--walked in the room I knew from the look on her face that there was no cancer but something else was wrong.  Immediately I knew what it was.  Lucy fell this past weekend and hit her head on the ground.  We have watched her closely and she has shown no neurological changes.  She does, however, have a brain bleed.  This will be her second in less than a year and unfortunately it is in the exact same spot as the last one.  And when I say exact, I mean EXACT.  So precise actually that the bump is right on the Burre holes that were drilled in her skull to drain the blood.  We will go Monday for a follow up CT to determine if the body will be able to reabsorb this blood or if we will have to do surgery.

     (the very bottom right corner of the first picture shows a dark grey area.  This is where the old bleed was and that is considered old blood.  That part has healed.  The same spot in the second picture is brighter and that signifies new blood.)

 So, yeah.  A mixed bag.  Obviously we were not prepared for the news we received today about the bleed and we are both filled with parent guilt. "what if" and "why didn't we."  It's a hard line that we walk everyday.  Do you put Lucy in a bubble or do you let her live the life that we all fought so hard to give her.  The life that she fought so hard to have.  Right now, I'm thinking the bubble might be a better idea.

We are overjoyed with the positive news of the cancer free scans.  In the biggest picture, that's all the matters.   Praise God for his faithfulness.