Today was a Mixed Bag

Today was a mixed bag.  Lots of emotions and lots of stress.  It was a Xanax day for sure.  I've taken 4 in 2 years, but today I couldn't breathe.  The further we get from treatment and the close we get to remission, the stakes just continue to increase.

It started last night was Ella had her first swim meet of the season.  It was at St. George's School in Memphis and there are so many horrible memories associated with the last time we swam there.  We had only hours before gotten the news that Lucy was given no chance.  June 2012.  We were preparing to watch her die.  Ella has a meet.  She did not know.  Erik and my Dad went, but fought tears and wrestled to maintain their composure the whole time.  All the while knowing that in a few short hours they would tell Ella that her baby sister was dying.

So while last night was wrought with memories, it was also an exciting time to celebrate how far Lucy has come and what a great job swimming Ella did.

 As we woke up at 5:00 this morning, the fact that I had been awake since 3:30 with an uneasy feeling was not lost on me.  Sometime just wasn't settling well with my mind and I couldn't figure it out.  I had peace about the cancer; I really did.  But something else...

As I got ready this morning I threw on my three special bracelets and knew I was ready to take on the day.  The champagne Pandora is an angel that was given to me as soon as Lucy got sick.  I haven't taken it off since.  The other two were made by a sweet cancer survivor and her friend from Atlanta.

About 20 minutes into our drive we saw the most amazing rainbow ever.  It was so bright and so huge.  We both said that we were going to count that as a sign from God that His promises would remain true for our lives.  To make it even sweeter, a second rainbow appeared.  Taking pictures from inside a moving truck with an iPhone didn't quite do the spectacle justice.

Lucy was ready for sedation and I was more nervous than a cat.  I still couldn't breathe easily but had confidence that her scans would be cancer free.  The agonizing 3 hour wait to get our baby girl back was hard.  The following 2 hours waiting to meet the doctor were even harder.  Both Erik and I were sick.  I was near vomiting and even felt as if I would hyperventilate at one point.

How Lucy stayed for nearly 2 hours after sedation recovery.
When Dr. W--who remains the best oncologist in all the world--walked in the room I knew from the look on her face that there was no cancer but something else was wrong.  Immediately I knew what it was.  Lucy fell this past weekend and hit her head on the ground.  We have watched her closely and she has shown no neurological changes.  She does, however, have a brain bleed.  This will be her second in less than a year and unfortunately it is in the exact same spot as the last one.  And when I say exact, I mean EXACT.  So precise actually that the bump is right on the Burre holes that were drilled in her skull to drain the blood.  We will go Monday for a follow up CT to determine if the body will be able to reabsorb this blood or if we will have to do surgery.

     (the very bottom right corner of the first picture shows a dark grey area.  This is where the old bleed was and that is considered old blood.  That part has healed.  The same spot in the second picture is brighter and that signifies new blood.)

 So, yeah.  A mixed bag.  Obviously we were not prepared for the news we received today about the bleed and we are both filled with parent guilt. "what if" and "why didn't we."  It's a hard line that we walk everyday.  Do you put Lucy in a bubble or do you let her live the life that we all fought so hard to give her.  The life that she fought so hard to have.  Right now, I'm thinking the bubble might be a better idea.

We are overjoyed with the positive news of the cancer free scans.  In the biggest picture, that's all the matters.   Praise God for his faithfulness.

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  1. I'm so glad for the cancer free report. I hope the bleed can be taken care of quickly and as easily as possible.
    What is written on Ella's arm?

  2. desperateforavacationMay 31, 2013 at 4:15 AM

    You let her live. Nothing to feel guilty for.

    I continue to pray.

  3. Praise God for cancer free scans! I'll be continuing to pray that the bleed can be resolved on it's own!

  4. So glad to hear the cancer free report! And happy to see Ella doing her thing--always a champion in every sense of the word! Thinking of ya'll...and sending prayers from Chattanooga!

  5. Deedra Stone BergeronMay 31, 2013 at 7:01 AM

    Let her live! God will take care of the rest. HE always does! So glad to hear scans are clean. Still praying for Lucy and your entire family.

  6. Live! All of you! Live! We are all carrying our brain bleeds, never knowing when it will finally take us - ALIVE! No matter what we're doing it's better to live while knowing it can all change in a second than to live in the bubble of fear. LIVE! LIVE WELL! LIVE! Ella and Jack continue to LIVE, mom and dad, follow their lead.

  7. Amazing testiment of who we serve!! Lucy is an amazing little girl!!! Praying the bleed is gone by Monday!! GoLucyGo !!!

  8. Father God, wrap your loving arms around Lucy and absorb her brain bleed.
    I pray this in your prescious name...Amen.
    WA State

  9. Thank you God for cancer free scans. I pray that the brain bleed is "easily" solved. As easy as it can be. And yes Kate, let her live. This is the life you all have fought so hard for.

  10. Hey Ella, what a swimmer you are!! I love to swim and my mom use to call me a fish. ;P

    Praise God for clean scans! Praying for that blood to be reabsorbed and no surgery needed. Hmm...sometimes a bubble is very appealing.

    Blessings Kate.

  11. Praising God for clear Scans and praying for the bleed to stop and the body to absorb it.

  12. Hello My Friend!!! GREAT News about most of the scan but the bleed....I know, not good but something that can be dealt with. Maybe she won't need the surgery since she has shown NO neurological signs after she fell. Prayers said and fingers crossed for the BEST possible outcome for Lucy AND so her AMAZING MAMA can find some peace in heart & the ability to rest her mind!!! God Bless You ALL!!! xo

  13. So glad the scans were clear. Praying that the bleed will be all cleared up when you go back. Blessings on your family!

  14. Heather Baird SmithJune 1, 2013 at 7:21 AM

    I will be saying an extra prayer for the healing from the fall and prevention of surgery. I Praise The Lord for the encouraging and positive news of a good cancer scan! We serve an Awesome God and I have watched his work be done in Lucy's life along with the family. I continue to pray for positive and encouraging news. Go Lucy Go!!!

  15. Thank God for clean scans!!! What a blessing. Been praying all week and will continue. I am in the "let her LIVE" camp. It will get easier - I promise.

  16. Thank God!! Clean scans (aside from the bleed). It would be great to put Lucy in a bubble to protect her, but than why live. She will heal once again. God works so many miracles and I'm just praying that she will get through this hiccup. You are an awesome family. God Bless!

  17. Great news on the scans! And, for what it's worth, I think you're absolutely right to let Lucy live her life like a normal child.

  18. It was good to see you at St. Jude. Reid had clear scans as well. Praise God for 2 good reports! Wanna hear something crazy? 2 friends from home that both live right by me posted pics on FB of a double rainbow over our houses on Thursday morning! They were in Louisiana and Tennessee!

  19. Kate, I am so happy to hear the great news. You have all been through so much. Lucy's news was so great to hear. I had tears just reading about your wait, I just can feel your pain and fear while having to wait for the results. I agree with all those above DON'T feel guilty for letting her be the little girl that she so deserves and fights for daily. It is so easy for all of us to say but I just could not imagine being in your shoes and the back and forth feeling that you have to go through. Just remember Mom knows BEST.