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Each day continues to present its own set of challenges and hurdles. Each day also continues to present at least one blessing to be counted. I can't tell you how encouraged I was by the kind words that so many of you left. I didn't need to hear that I was allowed my grieving, but it was comforting to know that so many people understand. I didn't feel judgement and I really appreciate that. If my heart could be any more broken, it would have crumbled reading the many stories of your own burdens. This life is hard. It's often cruel and I spend many hours trying to make sense of it.
I won't say that living is easy right now. I think I cried no less than 5 times today. It often hits me without warning and many times in the most inappropriate settings (like at Walmart today buying diapers). I found the saying by Joseph Campbell a while ago on Pinterest. Today it really strikes a chord with me. I won't lie and say I'm there. Because honestly, I really hate the very thought. I know that I have to accept it and will receive such a blessing once I let go of this anger. But right now this is where I am. I'll work through it. I'll pray through it. God will get me through it. Besides, these people need me:
As I was cleaning up vomit at 1:00 this morning I began to think about something. When Lucy was in the hospital and was cared for by so many doctors and nurses I had basically one responsibility. That was providing love, care and protection for my daughter. The physical burden of "nursing" her fell on someone else. I think now the burden is so much heavier at home because it all falls on me. There is a huge responsibility in knowing that I am the one that has to be the doctor, nurse AND mother. Not to slight Erik. Wow! What a husband and father. This whole ship would fall apart without him. (and my parents, Erik's parents, family, friends....) I don't know where I'm really going with all of this, but talking (writing) through it seems to help my mind.
Thanks again for the words of encouragement. They were just what I needed.
I had to repin that saying. Just love it! Thanks for the lovely words. YOU are an inspiration.
ReplyDeleteKate, I have always read your post, and thought of you as a very strong person. I would think to myself, how does she do this. I couldn't do what you are doing, but then again, when we are faced with something, God just gives us what we need, at the time, to get through it. My daughter was born without a hip socket, and we didn't know it, until she was 8 months old. I spent a month, at Methodist Central and cried every day. I would say, I can't do this, she doesn't understand what is going on. We didn't know if she would ever walk, or if all the traction on her leg would work. She wore a body cast, for nearly 2 years. Then she went into full leg braces. She learned to walk three times in 4 years. Only by the grace of God did we make it. She is now a beautiful 40 year old woman. We were told she couldn't have children, well she has given me two beautiful grand-daughters. The odd part of this is I didn't want a baby, when I found out, that I was having one. I didn't act very nice, I blamed God, for this. I asked why, so many times. Then when I found out about her hip. I thought, this is God's way of punishing me. She was my blessing, I just didn't know it at the time. It took some years, for me to fully understand this, but due to things, that happen in our lives, it came to me one day why God gave me this child. She has brought me more joy, and happiness, than any child could ever give. I smile when I just think of her now. I told her this just a couple of years ago, and she said, she felt special. She is special to me, because it was in God's plan, not mine, and oh how I found out, He doesn't make mistakes. He knows our life from start to finish, we don't. This one plan of His, just really changed, how I look at life now. I don't question any more, I just wait, for His next move in telling me what I am to do. God is good all the time, even in the bad times. He is with us, so just take each day, try not to look ahead, just stay in the moment, He is going to take you on the ride of your life. The best part is, He is going with you, so this means, you are in good hands. God bless you and your family.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=ihGCj5mfCk8
ReplyDeletePraying for you.
How could we judge you?! Not one of us is going through exactly the same thing. You have been a great advocate for Lucy and a testimony to relying on God for your strength. Don't beat yourself up for being human-you know God made you that way. Praying for that "joy that comes in the morning" for you.
ReplyDeleteKate... I pray for sweet Lucy without ceasing as Jesus told us to.. I too have grieved ... My daughter found her love only to find out he had a GBM! Started as stage 2 .. They married had a beautiful wedding all was going well for him 3 months later he was in heaven! this has been a hard year! My daughter was 28. Grieve for your loss but enjoy your precious Lucy!!!! Go Lucy go!!! Praying big in Texas!!!!!
ReplyDeleteBelieve it or not, you inspired me with this post. I lost my uncle a month ago, and it's been a horrible road since he was the second uncle of mine to go because of cancer. It really helps knowing that there is someone else out there that knows what true grieving and loss feels like. Not many people are open to sharing. I am glad you shared. Hang in there, and we are praying for you.
ReplyDeleteyou are a beautiful mom! i'm praying for you and your family from italy, and hope you and your family will able to came in italy... if you want, i'm here. love melissa (sorry for my english!)
ReplyDeleteHi Kate! I have been reading your blog for quite a while (autumn). I have meant to write you an email for a very log time, but I could not find your adress on the blog. When I was 13 I was diagnosed with leukemia. Now, Im 23 and I'm fine. I wrote about my leukemia story in march if you are interested. I just want you to know that Lucy will have a great life. My family and me were hurt beyond reapair by my sickness and it took many years to adjust to the new normal. But in high school I was in a swim team and even won quite a few competitions. I admire you cancer moms so much. I pray that I will never have to go through this with any of my children since I believe it is worse to have a realtive with cancer than going through it yourself. You and your family and Kristie and her family are in my prayers each and every night.
ReplyDeleteYou can do it!
Greetings from Germany!
Kate, there is no right way or wrong way to deal with this horrible situation, we all cope differently. Just keep 'talking' via the blog, everyone understands and wishes they could help you but most of all keep praying as we are all praying for you and your family.
ReplyDeleteEunice. Oswaldtwistle UK.
"Sometimes I think the human heart is just a simple shelf. There's only so much you can pile onto it before something falls off an edge and you are left to pick up the pieces."
ReplyDeleteMotherhood is a Sisyphean task. You finish sewing one seam shut and another rips open. I have come to believe that the life I'm wearing will never really fit.
Jodi Picoult
House Rules
Even with the Lord helping us.....life is hard!
So thankful God connects the dots in our stories....for we never would make sense of the large majority of them!
Remain anchored deep...WE'RE NOT HOME YET!
Lifting you all up to our only TRUE BURDEN BEARER!
bettie
Col. 3:17
Praying for you and your family from Croatia.
ReplyDeleteMy heart hurts for you and Lucy and Erik, Ella and Jack. You have all lost the innocence and naivety that comes with not knowing sickness. But you will get there again someday. There will be a day again that cancer isn't the first thing you think of in the morning. I remember when John Rose went through this when we were young. Look at how "normal" his life is now. It is a long road and one that seems terribly unfair. I continue to pray for you all and I can not wait to read your blog and be bored by it some day! Until then, hang in there. You are one incredible mom and your children are so blessed to have you in this challenging time.
ReplyDeleteSuch a great mama you are....anger is a part of something happening to our children!! But thanks be to God, it is only temporary. AND just think, this coming Sunday is MOTHERS DAY!! You (mother hen) will have all your little chickies (plus one rooster) to surround you on this special day.
ReplyDeleteLove you and I pray for Lucy every night....
Such a sweet picture. Lucy is touching each loving person in that picture. Kate, your walk is such an inspiration to all who know you and read your Blog.
ReplyDeleteHello Kate, I know this is off topic, but I watched something on You Tube today that reminded me of you. I am sorry that I haven't included the link....it's "Somebody that I use to know " by the latest winners of "The Sing-off " Pentatonix.
ReplyDeleteCharity
You and your family are strong and inspiring. Whenever you need a reminder of what an amazing road you have traveled so far, look at Lucy's eyes in your pictures. The ones now show energy and happiness . . . she is healing more every second all because of love. Not possible without you!
ReplyDeleteDear Kate, once again, we fall in love with your family all over again, through your words. The job of Mother is never an easy one, even on the brightest days and certainly in not in the dark ones. There are no classroom experiments that can prepare you for what you will face from the moment of conception, through birth and on through your child's life. That is why God chose a strong, humble soul to be the Mother of His Son....and we can use her example to get us through the dark days. She, totally human, bore the Christ child, loved Him, cared for Him, followed Him. And that is what we do as earthly Mothers. I know that not all Christian faiths place the Mother of God on the same plane as I do, but I do know that, through her earthly walk, I feel comforted and watched over knowing that another mother did what she was called to do. Made my walk through motherhood an easier one. God bless you today and always.
ReplyDeleteI "sorta" know how u feel.It is a complete life change. However, you are way stronger than you know. Praying for you, Kate. For peace in the midst of this crazy storm and complete healing when the waves stop crashing. :)
ReplyDeleteDear Sweet Kate,
ReplyDeleteYou are such a precious little lady and you have touched my heart to the core. Please know You are being lifted up in prayer each and every day by friends you don't know you have. Following your family each day with your posts has given me a greater awareness how we as Christians are one family, The Family of God, and we are to love, support and pray for our brothers and sisters in Christ. Thank you for being so honest and real with what you are feeling inside.