My Day

I hope that your Mother's Day was different from mine.  It's not that my day was bad, it was just hard.  I have fully accepted the fact that I am officially in the grieving stage of this whole ordeal.  I am allowing myself to do just that, too.  Some days are better than others.  Some days, like today, I cry a lot.  Before I even got out of bed this morning I woke up worried about Lucy and school.  I continued to cry in the shower as I thought about how she would handle it if she had to repeat Kindergarten, her friends leaving her behind.

Then as I made my way to church and listened to our Sunday School lesson I was moved to tears once more as my Dad spoke about Christ's suffering on the cross. We spoke of the Disciples and if they truly understood what the Last Supper meant.  The had to know that Jesus was going to die, but there was no way they could even begin to fathom the pain and suffering that He was about to endure.  And not to try to draw any comparison to Jesus' death, but I thought about Kristie and Jerry and how they knew their son was going to die but had no idea how hard his death would be.  How he would suffer so.  And that opened the flood gates for about an hour's worth of tears.

As I held Lucy in my arms during church and listened as she sang along to songs she did not know but sang with such a joyful heart my own heart swelled.  How precious is the child who LOVES the Lord.  Ella stood by me and sang with such confidence knowing that as a Christian she will spend eternity in heaven.  I too sang through tears of gratefulness and sorrow.  So very grateful for the blessings in my life and sorrowful for the hurt that we have experienced and witnessed this past year.

After church my entire family gathered at my parents house to celebrate my Grandmother on this special day.  I am so thankful for the godly woman that she is.  She truly is more precious than rubies.  She has served as a cornerstone of faith and integrity for our family since its beginning.  The only thing missing from today was my grandfather.  He is so sick that we all took turns going across the field (street) to visit with him.  Tomorrow he will go to determine if he will receive any more treatment for his cancer.  He is a very sick man but is facing this inevitability with such fierce determination and courage.  All four of this sons were in church today (two coming from Nashville) and it was rather emotional for everyone.  I know all too well how hard it is to look death in the face.  I am torn apart thinking about losing my grandfather, but I know its even harder on the sons as they try to imagine life without their father.

As everyone began to prepare for their travels back to Nashville and the local families went their own ways, we were able to spend a little time with my Mom...the most wonderful, amazing, incredible woman I know.  If my children are half as proud of me one day as I am of her right now then I will consider my life a success.  I love you Mom.  I love you more than you will ever, ever know.  Thank you for teaching me how to be a mother, a wife and a child of God.

 As I curled Ella's hair this morning I told her how proud I was to be her mom.  I told her what an honor it was to have been entrusted with her life.  I tried to explain to her what a joy it was to stay home with my children and how I prayed that someday she would have that opportunity as well.  I have learned a lot this past year about what matters in life and what doesn't.  I know that for me it is painfully clear that my only purpose in life is to 1. Glorify God and 2. Raise my children to love and fear the Lord.  That's it.  Nothing else matters.

I told my friend Amanda tonight that in some strange way I feel very honored and humbled that the Lord would trust me enough to have care over my children.  Lucy is so fragile in her health.  Ella is so fragile emotionally and Jack is just so impressionable at his young age.  And then there's Erik.  He needs me, too.  I told him tonight that I could have never been a mother without him :)  Man!  I love him so much.

What we have been through this past year is enough to tear a family apart.  It happens all the time.  Just ask anyone who has walked the cancer road.  I worry that I am going to do it all wrong.  I worry that my best is not good enough.  But I try not to let the worry get the best of me because I know that God will give me the strength I need to make it minute by minute.  He never promises any more than that.  But He does promise to provide for our every need.

Jehovah-Jireh, God will Provide.  My favorite name for Jesus.  He has never forsaken me.  He has never left me.  I know that He will provide the strength, courage and wisdom I need each and every day to be the mother He has called me to be.  And there is no greater calling on earth.

Mother.

Tonight my heart is full.