It's been a very long time since I've written on this blog in the morning. There was once a time when day and night bled into each other on a daily basis. 3:00am was no different than 3:00pm to me. The walls inside a hospital are a lot like those of a casino. You can be become so distracted that your life is just in an endless time continuum.
The past few weeks have seen like that inside my house. I don't sleep at night and only want to sleep during the day. When I do close my eyes the nightmares start or strange dreams that seem to go on for hours and hours. I wake up either in a puddle of sweat and tears or so exhausted that I can't put one foot in front of the other. Walking through life in a fog seems the normal for me these days.
Maybe it's depression, maybe its the added stress of this recent infection and now virus in Lucy's eye and face. Maybe its the countless trips to the hospital where I am surrounded by very sick and dying children and mothers and fathers whose burdens are so heavy they ooze from their pores. Maybe it's the survival guilt I feel when I enter those hospital doors and feel sad when I should be nothing but grateful. Maybe its the failure I feel as a mother to protect my child and give her the life I so desperately wanted for her. Maybe I'm just jealous of the carefree and happy lives that those around me seem to live.
I know the easy answers. Read the Bible, seek the help of friends, let those tears on out. Yes. I know those are the answers. But right now they aren't working for me. I read the devotionals and books but I'm so distracted that I can't tell you what I read ten minutes later. I do covet your prayers as I try to find rest for my soul and my mind.
This page continues to be a way for me to chronicle our lives, especially mine. I would be anything but honest if I didn't share this period of mourning in my life. Some days are better than others. That's just the way my life has unfolded. I debated about sharing this post at all, but I felt led to. Maybe just one person needs to read it. If so, I pray that you will find the rest that my soul desperately longs to find.