1.07.2014

This Time

It's been a very long time since I've written on this blog in the morning.  There was once a time when day and night bled into each other on a daily basis.  3:00am was no different than 3:00pm to me.  The walls inside a hospital are a lot like those of a casino.  You can be become so distracted that your life is just in an endless time continuum.

The past few weeks have seen like that inside my house.  I don't sleep at night and only want to sleep during the day.  When I do close my eyes the nightmares start or strange dreams that seem to go on for hours and hours.  I wake up either in a puddle of sweat and tears or so exhausted that I can't put one foot in front of the other.  Walking through life in a fog seems the normal for me these days.

Maybe it's depression, maybe its the added stress of this recent infection and now virus in Lucy's eye and face.  Maybe its the countless trips to the hospital where I am surrounded by very sick and dying children and mothers and fathers whose burdens are so heavy they ooze from their pores.  Maybe it's the survival guilt I feel when I enter those hospital doors and feel sad when I should be nothing but grateful.  Maybe its the failure I feel as a mother to protect my child and give her the life I so desperately wanted for her.  Maybe I'm just jealous of the carefree and happy lives that those around me seem to live.

I know the easy answers.  Read the Bible, seek the help of friends, let those tears on out.  Yes.  I know those are the answers.  But right now they aren't working for me.  I read the devotionals and books but I'm so distracted that I can't tell you what I read ten minutes later.   I do covet your prayers as I try to find rest for my soul and my mind.

This page continues to be a way for me to chronicle our lives, especially mine.  I would be anything but honest if I didn't share this period of mourning in my life.  Some days are better than others.  That's just the way my life has unfolded.  I debated about sharing this post at all, but I felt led to.  Maybe just one person needs to read it.  If so, I pray that you will find the rest that my soul desperately longs to find.

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39 comments:

  1. Praying for peace for me and you. I was diagnosed with leukemia 12 years ago when I was 13. I still struggle with it all on a daily basis. I don't know how many times I got another fatal diagnosis in my dreams.

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  2. Oh Kate, I am sure it is all of the above combined to knock you down. :( I'm glad you shared, I will be praying for you.
    2 Thessalonians 2:16-17


    Now may our Lord Jesus Christ himself, and God our Father, who loved us and gave us eternal comfort and good hope through grace, comfort your hearts and establish them in every good work and word.


    Hugs and prayers

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  3. sigh....thank you for sharing. I so remember feeling exactly that way.....I will be praying for you and your sweet family!

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  4. Praying, praying, praying for you!

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  5. I always appreciate that you share your honesty even if it is at the hard times. Joys and pains and I so glad you share them.

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  6. If you haven't already, I strongly suggest you discuss this issue with your doctor. There are medications that work wonders. Prayers for you.

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  7. Have been reading your blog for several years but have never commented before. My husband of 45 years has been sick for two and a half years with a very rare disease that will be terminal. The drs. have determined he can have no more treatment so he's home on hospice. They have no idea how much time he might have. He also has mental issued caused by the chemo he was taking. Before the illness he has been a CPA all his adult life and had an IQ off the charts. Now he can do nothing. After months of in and out of the hospital, drs. appointments and pretty much 24/7 with him, I know exactly what you're going through. Physically, mentally and spiritually I am totally exhausted and I don't have children to take care of just him. I feel this is one of those times that the Holy Spirit understands our prayers when we don't know what or how to pray. I do take meds and would advise you to check with your doctor.

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  8. Praying for you! Praying God's grace will be sufficient for your every need and you can find comfort in Him.

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  9. It is okay for you to need help...to need time for mourning....to need rest. You have been so strong for so long. I am praying, praying, praying for you to get the rest you need and the peace for your soul.

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  10. I have a child who also fought cancer. He went through chemo for 3 years. After it was over I went to a conference and found out lots of parents suffer from post traumatic stress disorder and depression, and I could see some of it in myself. I agree with the others who said you should tell your doctor about what you are feeling. It can't hurt and it will probably be a big help.

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  11. I pray that in your restlessness God generously dispenses mercy and grace to your heart. As you enter a wilderness experience I pray that His voice becomes clear and distinct to your ears and that you receive a true Word from our sweet Lord.

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  12. Praying for peace and healing for you as well as Lucy. May God give you strength and comfort and that peace that only He can give.

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  13. You and especially Lucy are in my prayers. I am battling MS. I covet your prayers!! Thanks, Robin

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  14. Kate I just wrote out your need for "soul rest" to God, asking Him yo refresh you and clear yourind and give you peace! Often God uses this time of lack of concentration, etc as a way to cause out minds to turn off for our emotional health! Depression though an ugly dark hole where none of us enjoy being can also give us permission to just idle.. Which sounds like what your body mind and heart needs! Isn't coming out as I mean it too, but to safeguard the mind from absolutely snapping under pressure sometimes just needs turning off! God will renew you. Wait for him. And you will find energy for what is required love & prayers. Bettie , col3:17

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  15. You have been down a very tough road. It's not surprising that it is taking a toll on you. You will be in my prayers and thoughts, hoping for peace, rest and healing.

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  16. Kate, Thank you for your honesty and for making the decision to share this time of your life with us. I see myself in your words. My heart hurts for you. I am praying for you and wishing we lived closer.
    Much love and hugs,
    Christy

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  17. Praying for you Kate and thank you for your honesty. This internet community is here for you. Hugs.

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  18. PTSD, maybe? Taking care of a sick kid is hard, hard, hard. Lifting you up before the Father!

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  19. I think I am the one person who needed to read this. My daddy passed away 7 months ago and I am going through similar emotions and depression. God bless you!

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  20. Hi Kate, PTSD and depression are not only common with parents of childhood cancer, but to expected. So totally normal. In fact, my children are not battling cancer and I see myself in all your words and relate to your hurt from other trauma in my life. Much love and prayers for you and of course share your feelings with a trusted, caring doctor. Hugs from Florida.

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  21. I am praying for you, Kate.

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  22. I've read your blog for a while and I have prayed for Lucy. I agree with the ones who suggested that you talk to your doctor. RUN, don't walk. If one of your children was feeling this way, you would move mountains to find help for them...am I right? Yes, I am. God used skilled physicians, nurses, technicians and therapists and even now is guiding them in their care for Lucy. I'm just sure He can do the same thing in your case. There's no shame in reaching out for help. Sometimes we really can't fix things it on our own. Bless your heart.

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  23. Kate, Praying that you can find peace with where your family is now. You all have been through so much since Lucy's diagnosis. Thinking of you.... Lee from Colorado

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  24. Have you considered seeing a therapist? I know that you are religious, but a good psychotherapist can do wonders. I imagine that St. Jude has a list.

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  25. Kate, praying that you find peaceful sleep at night. I second the suggestion that you talk to someone. I received a cancer diagnosis in 1998 and had bilateral mastectomy and adjuvent chemo. I struggled to "be normal" but wanted only to sleep during the day. I could hardly stay awake at work. I finally sought help in medication and talking to a therapist. It is wonderful to be able to unburden yourself in private and give vent to your fears and sorrows, no matter how they sound. It helped me immensely. Don't be afraid to try it. Praying for Lucy to recover from her infection, too!

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  26. I suffered from PTSD after my son's brain tumor diagnosis, surgery and his complete recovery and survival. It hit me hard, in the face three years after walking through it. I suffered for a while before I found a wonderful doctor who put me on medication that made me feel normal again. No shame in that!!!! Nobody but you knows exactly how you feel and nobody can truly understand! Praying for you!!!!

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  27. Kate, I can honesty say that I have no idea what you and your family are going
    thru. I do know that each of us have our own burdens to bare, and each of us respond to things differently. I also know what it is like to be treated for depression and OCD. Sometimes meds and therapy work ; sometimes they don't..each of us is wired differently. I also know that sleep deprivation enhances
    All your other feelings. So first off, get some sleep, no matter when it is..day, night, or whenever. You sound physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually
    EXHAUSTED (weary)!! And, some sunshine might help if you have SAD. Please give Lucy a hug from a loving mom and grandma :) and, take care of yourself...

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  28. Looking for peace and calm for me as well. Still recovering from mastectomy and breast cancer only to now be facing a second tumour and thoracic surgery. Hopefully 2014 is a better year!

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  29. Oh Kate, I am praying for you. This sounds like a really awful time you are going through and thank you for being honest about it. I pray you will feel God's loving arms wrapped around you as you continue on this particular part of your journey.

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  30. Lifting you up in prayer, Kate. Standing with you in the dark night of the soul.

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  31. Kate, last year I lost four babies in one year. It threatened to crush me. It still does some days. Does your church celebrate the Lord's Supper? At my church (I'm Lutheran) the name of our services each Sunday is "Divine Service". It literally means God serving us. Seems so strange a concept to a contemporary Christian world that views church as US praising and worshipping God. But as Lutherans we believe that God came to serve us. To give us Himself. And that He does not leave us as orphans. He comes to us to strengthen us when we have no breath. We say there are 4 ways He does this: the means of grace: 1. Baptism. 2. The Lord's Supper 3. Confession and Absolution and 4. His Word that is living and active, granting faith and strength. Finally I have found so much comfort knowing that the sacrifices of God are a broken and contrite heart. May Christ keep you and uphold you Kate. <3

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  32. Hello, I'm not sure if you will see this or not ....but I totally get you I feel you wrote this post for me, I lost a child 7 years ago and I feel lost at times but reading your post makes me feel less alone. Thank you for your honesty..
    Leela

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  33. Reading through the comments, I can only say you are so loved by all of us. I'm not good with words but I'm praying for you and hoping you find comfort, much needed rest and peace.

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  34. Oh Kate, I am sorry you are going through such an emotionally turbulent time. Try and let go of the guilt as it is so debilitating and you have nothing to feel guilty for. I will be praying for you all. Lily. xxx

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  35. Sharing is therapeutic some times. Depression can really bring you down. I will continue to pray for Lucy and you. Keep reading your Bible. Even if you don't feel it now, there is power in God's word.

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  36. Your raw honesty brought tears to my eyes. We love you and your family. Just be - God does not expect anything more.

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  37. Kate--I follow Lucy's story and I feel like I know your ENTIRE FAMILY! Don't be afraid to seek help and get medication. It can do WONDERS! I take Effexor...and it doesn't take away all of your sadness and fears...but it "takes the edge off".

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  38. Hi Kate. I have followed your blog for a couple years and this is my first post. I have been treated since 1986 (yes, I'm much older than yourself) for some of the same symptoms you are experiencing. Our brains are extremely complex, just as our bodies are. When a person goes through extreme stress the chemicals in our brains get out of whack. These chemicals are what regulate our moods, sleep, etc... I'm so thankful we live in this day and age when there is medicine available to help. Granted these medicine's won't heal our chemical imbalance; but they do help. I have PTSD. Just as someone with diabetes needs insulin, we need medicine also. I hope you and your doctor find the best one to help you and that you have someone to help you so you can get some sleep (during the day). Serotonin is the chemical that makes us feel-good (it is also what anti-depressants help with) The only time our bodies naturally replenish our serotonin levels is when we sleep - so sleep is crucial! If your mind will not "turn off" to let you sleep then let your doctor know right away! Diazepam would most likely help you to get a good nights sleep, as it does me.
    May you be blessed and feel the love from everyone who cares about you ♥

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  39. Just as I enjoy your uplifting funny post, I'm appreciative of your transparency and honesty on raw post such as this. I hadn't been in "blogland" for a few months but always know...."you and your family are ALWAYS in my thoughts and prayers". Praying today finds you in a better place, but most importantly fully enveloped in HIS UNENDING LOVE.

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