10.22.2012

A Streak of Stubborn


These three have it figured out.

I have written a lot about prioritizing my life over the last few months.  Over the past (almost) two years I have spoken about the perspective I have gained throughout Lucy's illness.  Over the past two weeks I have had to really look at my life and what I am doing with my time.  I guess what I am struggling with is trying to differentiate between what God wants me to do and what I want to do.  And let me tell you, they are two totally different things.

I am so convicted tonight that God is pulling me in a different direction than where I am right now.  My heart is so heavy with the feeling that I am busying myself with so many things that aren't bringing Him glory.  For example, this blog.  I have gotten so wrapped up in making sure that I blog just for the sake of blogging, instead of making sure that my posts are meaningful and with purpose.  Don't get me wrong, some days its nice to just blow off steam and post super cute pictures of my super adorable kids.  But after Lucy was diagnosed last year, God gave me a wonderful platform to share about His love and mercies.  I never imagined in a million years that I would ever have the opportunity to share the gospel with so many people at once.  And what I loved about it was that I didn't even have to think about it.  Just by sharing Lucy's/our story many lives were touched.  Have I totally lost that focus?  Oh, I pray I haven't.

Is this topic one that many of you can relate to?  Am I the only one who struggles with this?  There ends up being a huge chasm between what I want my life to be and what it ends of being.  I need to be about God.  I need to be about serving Him and bringing glory to His name.  I'm pretty darn sure that I am falling very short of this mark right now.  I'll be real honest and admit right now that the past two weeks have not been my best.  There are a handful of situations in which I'm pretty sure I was not a shining star for how a Christian should act.  Sometimes my passion manifests itself in not so pretty ways.

I'm making a decision tonight to make my time matter.  When my feet and hands are moving I want them to be used in a purposeful manner.  Sometimes its hard.  Like when I was taking Jack to 3 different doctors last week and must have yelled at him--oh, say 1500 times between the parking lot and doctor's office---only to be approached later by two different ladies (whom I know saw me in action) in the waiting room who have read this blog and have prayed for Lucy.  I was mortified!  Had they seen my lose my temper?  Had they seen me throw the diaper bag in the van in sheer defeat?  I felt this uncontrollable urge to apologize profusely.

I could get myself into a lot of trouble playing the Monday morning quarterback with my life so I'm going to stop right now.  Tonight, Lucy read this to me:

This might not mean a lot to many of you, but to me this was nothing short of miraculous.  Just 5 short months ago Lucy was so sick and so malnourished that her brain refused to perform even the simplest of tasks.  Many days she couldn't even remember how to spell her name.  But tonight...she read this!  Praise God, Praise God!  

In case anyone has forgotten, this is what Lucy looked like in May of this year:


This is Lucy now:


That's all the reminder I need that nothing else matters.  I'm a slow learner and can be quite stubborn, but one look that these pictures and it's hard to get it wrong.
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33 comments:

  1. Wow--thank you. I wonder sometimes if I'm the only mom who feels this way; you made me feel so normal. God does want all we do to glorify Him, but as someone who has read your blog for over a year now, I see you give so much glory to Him. Be obedient to where He is leading, but know too that He has been honored and glorified by your writings here. God bless you and your beautiful family!

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  2. I think that the story of Lucy is an amazing testimony of the fact that God is real, and God is good! Something thathat keeps me coming back to read about your cute family, and something that I really like about you, is that you are REAL. I love the fact that you show that sometimes it's OKAY to not be okay. There is a difference between being a negative nancy, and a complainer, and then being a God loving person who is going through a hard time sometimes. (If that even makes sense, haha!) I think you are REAL, and that is what I like so much about you! As humans, we all fall at times. We all have our times where we need to turn back to our Heavenly Father and ask for help. I like the fact that you continue to remind me of that. (I don't even know if any of that is coming out right; but I hope it makes sense!!!) Anyways, I think we all feel like slow learners on this subject at times; but you keep reminding me to put my shoulder to the wheel and push along!

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  3. You are not alone. We all need to refocus time and time again to put it into prespective. It isn't failing bc you might not be in focus. It is wonderful that you see that and that you are actively searching and listening for His words. Now you listen to me... you owe us blog readers NOTHING! Ok? ;) Don't be doing this bc you feel obligated. Your blog has been a gift to each of us. If it is over then it is. YOU have changed so many of us for the better. YOU. Lucy has, too, but your words have been what we read. Your vulnerability. YOU have made a difference. If it is time for this blog to have a break then you do it. You take pride in the fact that while we have been able to follow you we have all learned so much - you and us. All good things come to an end. For everything there is a season. We are all honored to have gotten to know you and your family. But listen to God's call. If He needs you elsewhere then you answer. Bc we all know that you are a mighty warrior and we are willing to share you with others who need to hear from you. Be Bold, Kate Krull. Be Still and Listen for the One is calling you to be His hands and feet.

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  4. Full Lucy smile, plump happy Lucy cheeks! Please don't ever stop blogging. Oh the lives your have touched and the hearts you have helped to feel. I'm very private and I'm sure it would be hard to share my painful stories with the world. But, you do it so simply and beautifully. REAL LIFE BABY! That is what we are all lead to do, live it, love it, cry it, pray..... Lori

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  5. I try to always keep in mind, not only for myself but in also viewing others...we are all imperfect. We have days when we fail miserably but WE ARE NOT PERFECT. Believe me, people should not be looking at you and judging you or your actions, although I do understand you wanting to always be an example of God's grace and love. That grace and love provides forgiveness to us and allows us to go forward in our imperfect nature. We don't judge you, Kate, we love you and your family in Christ. We cannot even imagine how difficult your life is and has been. We pray for you daily. You are not perfect and neither are we; we don't want to see "perfect". We want to see a heart for Christ and someone living in God's grace daily...we see that with you. May God continue to pour out blessings upon you and yours! Lucy is a miracle; just look at that precious little face!

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  6. Anne Marie PalmateerOctober 23, 2012 at 7:15 AM

    In just 6 short months you can see such a difference in her look. So much healthier and stronger in the second pictures versus the first but still a beautiful little girl.


    You said you want to do more in honor of God and what he wants from you. Do you think your frustration last week was actually Gods work to post about it here by making other mothers think before they snap at their kids? I am a perfect example of someone that needs to be less frustrated and no snap so quick. You posting about your flaws in all their glory actually makes me feel human but it also teaches me I need to look through another set of lenses to better myself. Just because you are not preaching the bible or gospel does not mean you are not doing Gods work because you are with all you tell of you daily struggles, your flaws and your family struggles. What you do here reaches a lot of people. Thank you for sharing your life and God with me because I feel I have learned something from you.


    Anne Marie

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  7. I am compelled to ask you to please not beat yourself up so. Many of us are in such awe of you and it pains me to 'see' you feel as though you have not measured up. I just wanna give you a hug, girl! If I had been either of those women at the doc's office, I would have thought, "yep, she has every right to be frustration...life just keeps on giving the hits." And of course, I would have thrown it a "Bless her heart" for good measure. ;)

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  8. Kate, you are sharing the Gospel. I see it in every single post. You are living life day by day with the grace and strength of God. You tell about Him in your struggles. This is real. This is His truth and I believe you share it well. Christians are not perfect, we still sin and we have been given a way to follow that leads towards quick repentance and a changed life. The only differences between a Christian and a non Christian is that we are forgiven and when we do sin we can confess and be forgiven again and again and again.


    Lucy looks fantastic! The learning is happening and this bit of a set back will not last for long as she will quickly catch up to where she should be.


    Way to go Lucy! Keep at your studies. I just know you will love reading so much as there are many amazing adventures waiting for you in books.


    Always praying for you!
    <><

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  9. I think that your honesty about your Christian walk touches many of us. I don't know a single Christian who never loses his or her temper and most all of us are continually having to shift our priorities around to make sure that we have the most important things at the top of the list! I love that there is a sparkle back in Lucy's eyes in the second picture. That picture alone made me smile . . .and made me realize that God is still in the business of healing!! Thank you for sharing your family and your joys and your struggles with all of us!!

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  10. You are a great mom, Kate. We all lose it at times, throw diaper bags, snap at our kids. You have a lot of pressure and your lives are so public through this blog. I appreciate the example you are as a mom and a Christian woman. Don't let satan beat you down. God is using you to touch so many of us! Keep the faith. Still praying for you all!!!!

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  11. Thanks for ministering to me through this entry on your blog. I am in a very frustrating, exasperating situation and as I am wasting time on the computer to just distract myself I thought, "Lucy's mom would love my irritating situation over what she has faced. So go to that blog and get over your drama party." So I came to your site just now, And God had a word.....Yes in this world you will have trouble, but glorify me in the middle of the muck.

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  12. Personally, I MUCH prefer real and flawed.

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  13. That's what is so great about your blog! You are REAL. You don't pretend to be a perfect Christian.. Who doesn't snap from time to time? I know I do. You have a great way with words, keep spreading God's word. I think he's pretty happy what you have done so far. You Rock!!!

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  14. Kate,
    You are a parent... the hardest job in the world. Never feel like you have to apologize. I am so impressed and honored that you choose to share your family's difficult journey with all of us and I know you can tell how many people you have reached through the blog, but then there is the triple effect when someone asks about my "Go Lucy Go" t-shirt and I get to share about how amazing our God is.... I really don't think you will ever know just how many people you are witnessing to, but just know that it is unimaginable and continues to increase daily. Thank you for being real and for being you!
    Praying without ceasing,
    Jen Gray & family

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  15. Lucy looks great, its amazing the improvements she has made in such a few short months!! Stay strong Lucy!!!! Kate I think that almost everybody has these struggles, I definately know that I have. Just know that you are doing the best that you can, anyone who reads your blog could easily see that! Lots of prayers for you and your family!
    Lots of Love,
    Lauren

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  16. First, love the chubbiness to her cheeks! Second, not many of us who read your blog and have followed your story can totally relate to what the past 20 months have been like for you emotionally, spiritually, physically, mentally, personally, and every other way that a human being could be. Whether you realize it or not, you proclaim the Gospel everyday in your life - whether you are writing, arranging dinners for LeBonheur, organizing runs, being a mommy, being a wife, daughter, friend, or complete stanger. Do you not think that the humanity of Jesus never got discouraged, angry, felt hopeless, blew off steam, doubted? Remember that He was both God AND man - he was the human son of God, born to an earthly mother - he was fully God and fully human. As a daughter of that same God, you can trust that He will lead you where you are supposed to go; He will show you the way and reward you in ways you cannot measure or imagine. You may never know what lives you have touched, changed, or improved. But I can tell you that your walk on this road is being trod by many people who are sharing your burden and who are reevaluating their life's purpose - because you listened to your heart and shared it with us. Do not think that you have to be better or perfect at anything - we like you just the way you are.

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  17. Oh, Kate. You have a rare and special life that most of us will never understand. But every once in a while I have to snicker at your moments that I think EVERY mother knows, oh too well. Gonna be real honest here... One day about the time you and Lucy were in Alabama, I took my son to Kroger with me. He was being particularly bothersome (not the word I would have used at the time) ... I totally lost me cool and told him to just BE QUIET! Then we turned onto the next isle and ran into YOUR MOM. (Just returned from the beach trip I think). Of course we spoke, hugged, I told her we were praying... I was mortified. She surely heard me yelling at Joshua. While ya'll counted days. Me with my perfectly healthy child... I can laugh about that now because I know that God doesn't expect any of us to be perfect moms. And it's so coomon to all of us - "famous" or not. LOL! (Besides, we love your blog because you show us that you are "real " just like us.)

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  18. Look at those cheeks! And eyes! Oh my. Way to go Lucy!

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  19. Hi Kate! This is a must-read for you today. I just read this before I came to check in on you at your blog. Check it out:
    http://www.aholyexperience.com/2012/10/how-to-live-blog-write/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+HolyExperience+%28Holy+Experience%29
    I love her blog, almost as much as I love your blog ;)

    You are a Godly woman, I see it in your your long posts, I see it in your short posts. I see it when your posts are optimistic and pessimistic. You are transparent and real and imperfect. Try to cut yourself some slack. To quote the post from above--"God doesn’t ask me to be perfect; He asks me to praise.”
    And, oh my word, look at Lucy's healthy, beautiful face now. What a blessing. ((HUGS)) to you all and continued prayers for ALL of you from Ohio.
    <3
    Heather

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  20. Kate. Honey. I know that sinking feeling when you know people have seen you at less than your best. But like EVERYONE else that has commented has said, we know you're not perfect. That's ok, because we're not perfect either! Look at the people God used in the bible, and guess what? Apart from Jesus, no perfect people there either! Which means, I'm pretty sure, there are no perfect people. Not a single one. If I only ever hear people talk about the perfect parts of their lives, I tend to think they're fake.
    You have been through an incredible roller-coaster experience over the last few years, you've had Jack's illness to cope with on top of everything else and it's hard and you're exhausted. That's the truth, and you're allowed to say that without feeling like you need to apologise. You are doing well! Be gentle with yourself, it's ok to just stop everything that you can stop and breathe for a while.

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  21. Kate, the struggle of doing what God wants and what you want is a struggle for people who have not been through the sieve these past two years. In fact, I think it is a struggle for all God's children who are interested in growing more Christ-like. I find myself realizing that I spend entirely too much time on FB, keeping up with family and .friends.The only thing I would say about our bloging is that we who are for your family are interested in know what to pray for and rejoice over. When Lucy was so ill the blogs were especially important to me. Seeing her progress is very important to me. I guess what I'm saying is that the daily, routine blogs aren't so important for me to know, but I do want to pray for the concerns and give thanks for victories.

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  22. Rock on sweet Lady! Rock. On. :) To God be the glory great things He has done...and is doing!

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  23. Kate, the struggle of doing what God wants and what you want is a struggle for people who have not been through the sieve these past two years. In fact, I think it is a struggle for all God's children who are interested in growing more Christ-like. I find myself realizing that I spend entirely too much time on FB, keeping up with family and .friends.The only thing I would say about our bloging is that we who are for your family are interested in know what to pray for and rejoice over. When Lucy was so ill the blogs were especially important to me. Seeing her progress is very important to me. I guess what I'm saying is that the daily, routine blogs aren't so important for me to know, but I do want to pray for the concerns and give thanks for victories.

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  24. YAHOO FOR LUCY READING!!! Please tell her I'm sooo PROUD of her!!! I totally get that you mean about her accomplishment....it IS a HUGE deal and I for one could NOT be more Happy for both yourself and Miss Lucy!!!
    What a difference in the 2 pictures!!! WOW!!! She looked so weak and tired in the top one but now....(she writes with tears in her eyes) she looks so....alive!!! Not only has she gained weight but she also looks like she has that little sparkle in her eyes. She is as BEAUTFUL as she always was.
    OOhh dear Kate, as I sit here and think of what I want to say to you, these words pop into my mind...."Kate, do you ever think that God maybe just wants you to BE and rest"? Maybe he/she wants you to rest now and not be so concerned with getting it "right". I know for sure what God wouldn't want....he wouldn't want you to be so hard on yourself.
    Kate....you are a GOOD person, a GREAT mama and you are a WONDERFUL wife and friend BUT, you are only human. And, you see... us humans have a tendancy of becoming overhwhelmed and when that happens things like tossing diapers, gettting a little grumpy and feeling out of sort happen some times. The good news is....YOU'RE NORMAL and WE ADORE YOU and ACCEPT YOU...even if you're NOT on your game 100% of the time!!!
    We're all friends here and many of us are mama's ourselves so we GET IT!! Please just be easy on yourself - everything else will work itself out. I think you're doing a great job with this blog and everything else too, especially with all you and your family have gone through!! I am thankful you take the time to do your blog and that you allow us to be part of your and Lucy's life. I am proud to call you my friend and I will be here for as long as you allow me to be!! God Bless Kate!!! xo

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  25. I think what you feel is incredibly normal. I'm not a mother and I still feel like you do on a daily basis. And I wouldn't be so hard on yourself. I don't know how many times one of your cute, happy posts has given me the strength to keep going on my worst days and put a bit more happiness in your heart. I think God may even be working with you that way, though you may not even know it.

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  26. Kate , you are human and humans are not perfect even if some think they are. I love that you are so Real and that makes you someone I look up to. I do not know you but if I ever had that chance I would sure take that chance very quickly. You have been through more than most people have to go through in a lifetime. I hope you can continue to blog but if you don't I will never think any different of you. I will alway just hope that your family do well. Lucy looks so filled out and that smile is PRICELESS!!!!!!! . I love to see that smile. It brings tears to my eyes and it is just what I need alot of days when I come to your blog feeling down and you bring me up, because you are an amazing person. THANK YOU KATE.

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  27. Your an amazing mother, wife, friend, and woman! Never ever forget that! Through prayer, determination, and pure love you put the sparkle back in Lucy's eyes. I'm still praying every day!

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  28. Yay, Lucy!!! So proud of you! Kate, you have been through so much! Please don't be so hard on yourself! :) Just surviving the last two years is testament enough to your faith in God.

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  29. Wow! It is so wonderful to see Lucy looking so healthy! And congratulations to her on her reading! That is awesome! :D

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  30. Parenting can be frustrating at times and we are all just human. People who expect perfection all the time are deceiving themselves. That is why we have grace and mercy from our precious Lord and Savior. Authenticity is what it is all about. And I see that in you my friend. Continuing to pray for you and for family - especially little Lucy - and I still covet prayers for my sweet sister, Cari. Chemo is the pits...

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  31. So many things done and left undone in my parental journey, As an older woman, I can see so many changes that I could have made, should have made, didn't make. Children are needy little ones that take so much, yet give so much, sometimes unknowingly. Children are great little forgivers...much more so than we forgive ourselves. Yes, parents get out of patience with their children sometimes, yell at them and throw symbolic diaper bags. But, you do not in any form abuse your children and you show your love for each of them daily. Sometimes, I think the trials you have made it through, just as has Lucy and the whole family tell of your growth and goodness. God knows us better than we know ourselves. Each day you live, you are witnessing for Him. Don't sell yourself short. I very seriously doubt that God does. Be patient with yourself. You are quite amazing!!!! Believe in yourself. We who read your words believe you are handling your life in a remarkable way. Press on, living for your children, your husband, your family and know you are daily blessed by the God who knows this!

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  32. I have not read your blog in a while as I to have been trying to figure out where God wants me. I'm pretty sure it is not on the computer as much as I want to be. I am doing a Bible study called and it is really good! I recommend the video that goes with it. Praying that you hear His voice and where God wants you will be bold and in your face. Thanks for sharing and helping others who are struggling with their own stories. By the way I love to read your blog and I will continue to read it I just have to prioritse my time. My ministry is my family as it sounds like yours is also. May God bless you with His peace and comfort!

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