Its All Around

Is it just me or does it seems as if tragedy is all around us these days?  I have had the same conversation with Erik and with my sister this week.  Is it because we are older and more aware of the situations around us, or is it truly just a period of time in which tragedy seems to abound?  I'm not sure what the answer is but I've reached my capacity for all of it.  I am tired.  I really am.  I have cried more this weekend than I have in a while.  As I sit here writing I have to be honest and say that I'm pretty angry.

I just got a report on the Duncan family and it's not so great.  I don't know all the details, but I do know that this family needs all the prayers you guys can send up for them.  There has also been a fund set up for the family.  It's the Frank and Patrick Duncan Healing Fund.  I pray that you will consider donating, as this family will have a mountain of medical bills and other financial issues to resolve after this initial horror is over.

You can donate at any Triumph Bank in the Memphis are.  The locations and phone numbers are below:

5699 Poplar Avenue
Memphis, TN 38119
7540 North Street
Germantown, TN 38138
1130 West Poplar Avenue
Collierville, TN 38017
5810 Airline Road
Arlington, TN 38002

Here is a link to the story that was run in The Commercial Appeal.  It is so heartbreaking.    

Our friend Kellan turned 5 today.  She is the sweet little girl we met in our initial days at St. Jude and her mom and I have remained close since.  Today, on her birthday, she was admitted into the hospital with 104 fever.  Her mom can't be with her because she just had a baby less than a week ago.  My heart is broken for them as well. Then Kristie and Jerry, oh how I ache for them every single day.  Sometimes I literally cry myself to sleep as I try to imagine how they make it day to day. 

Saturday was a hard day for me.  Lucy just wasn't herself.  She vomited a couple of times and slept for more than 3 hours.  The vomiting and complaining of a headache was just more than I could take.  I sat by her side while she napped and literally pleaded with God.  I have told him that I do not want to ever live without Lucy.  I can't deal with helping my other children learn to live without a sister.  That's just more than I'm cut out for.  Everyone says I'm so strong, but oh, if they only knew.  I'm a wreck.  The fear that has come over me since then is unbearable.  I can hardly breathe.  I am scared.  

Erik reassures me that it is more than likely related to her shunt, as her last scans were clear.  I even saw them myself the other week.  There was no sign of disease.  But I know just how nasty and vicious this cancer is.  It only takes one cell. It can happen so quickly.  

Today was a much better day.  We had the traditional birthday lunch at my parents house for the birthday girl and then attended our next door neighbor's birthday afterwards.  Lucy didn't get sick any and played most of the day.  And while I want to be so excited about the good day she had, the bad day yesterday is freshly etched in my brain.  It's hard to ride this roller coaster.  Its never ending.  Every night I thank God for "one more day."  One more day with all three of my children.  

Tonight as I was rocking Jack to bed I leaned over and kissed his little lips and whispered "I love you."  I thought he was asleep so it surprised me when he replied "yes."  What a magical moment.  That child that I prayed for so fervently while I was away those 8 months knows that I love him.  God heard that prayer.  He answered that prayer.  And even more than that, Jack loves me too.  My baby boy loves me.  

After I put Jack to bed I tiptoed into where Ella was sleeping and I knelt down beside her to kiss her and pray over her and she rolled over and prayed with me.  As I held her I wept and she wept.  My sweet 8 year old plays the role of an adult in our house sometimes.  Many times I forget that she's just 8.  I told her tonight that I was honored to be her mother.  That God chose her to be Lucy's sister.  That God knew just what he was doing when  he molded our family into its shape.  No other child I know could do what Ella does.  And with such grace!  And while she is so strong, she's just 8.  

My faith is weak tonight, but I know God will renew my spirit somehow.  He always does. 

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  1. Praying and praying for you Kate. You don't have to be strong all the time. Rough days happen and you have all the right to be shaken. You have been through so much. What a blessing you have in Ella and Jack. God knew exactly who was needed in your family.

    Praying and praying for Lucy, every day I think of her.


  2. That just brought me to tears. I just recently became a mother and I cannot begin to imagine whta you've been through. I've read your story from the beginning and you and your family are constantly in my prayers.

  3. Yes, He will renew your strength. Don't let your fears take over even though you have plenty of reasons to have fears. Praying for peace for you.

  4. Praying for you Kate!

  5. Kate - With the bad/sad news, I do think it comes in waves and it can seem so very bad when it's happening. It is very hard to carry that burden of hurt for others. Take care of yourself and be good to yourself. Praying for all who need it.

  6. Oh Kate you are not weak! You are a Mother who loves her children more than anything and it shows daily. You are not weak! Yes you are tired and stressed and worried, but none of those things makes you weak. Go Lucy Go!

  7. You are such a wonderful mother!!! WOW!!! This brought tears to my eyes...tears of compassion and respect for you and your family! Still sending our prayers and love!!!

  8. My heart breaks with you. No one will ever truly know what you are going through unless they have been in your shoes. My niece was a patient at St. Jude so I understand the range of emotions. Watching my sister go through that was too much. You are truly an inspiration to so many. Lucy has touched so many lives and I'm sure been the reason that some one has accepted Christ into their lives. WOW!! What a testimony. I'm sure God is looking down at your whole family and saying, You have done good, my faithful servant. Thank you for being my hands and feet." I will be saying an extra prayer for you.

  9. I think nobody can begin to imagine your anxiety and grief, unless they are a parent of a child with a life-threatening illness. I pray that God takes away your fears and that you may soon experience His peace washing over you.

  10. I read and pray for you and Lucy daily, but this post hit hard about dear Ella. I will specifically pray for her dear heart and spirit and for God to hold her close and wrap her in peace and comfort.- Deb S.

  11. When anxious thoughts multiply within me, your consolations delight my soul...Ps. 94:19

    Praying for our Lord's peace, comfort, and joy to fill up today, Kate!

  12. May He bless your sweet heart with peace and hope that only He can provide.

    I'm so sincerely sorry, and I know that you probably don't want any pitty, but I am sorry. As I read this post, and walked away, I knew there was nothing that I could say to take your pain away. That is hard for so many of us who have grown to love sweet Lucy and your family. It seems that there is more than an army walking this journey alongside of you and that physically speaking, our weapons are empty. I am extremely thankful for the avenue of prayer. Thankful for the power of prayer, and for the privilege to talk to God through prayer. That's huge... to talk to our maker!!! It's awesome, as a matter of fact. But isn't it hard to trust all of the time? I can't imagine your fear. And as weak as you must feel, Kate, you're still hanging in there. Your faith has been shaken to the core, and still, you remain faithful. You are still trusting Him. How do I know this? Because you are still praying. You are still believing in the Almighty Physician. You are still leaning on Him and believing that if you ask, you will receive. Tears filled my eyes as you talked about your prayer time with Ella. How Godly of a mother are you being to her, and showing her. You're beautiful, Kate. And you're doing a great job.

    I had the opportunity to listen to a motivational speaker the other night. She, also, has had a rough road in life. She, also, is still a believer of Jesus Christ and His Father. She, also, shared her faith. One of her favorite scriptures during her darkest days came to mind over the course of the afternoon.

    ...weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning. Psalm 30:5

    I thought that was nice. Each day is new. He promises a fresh start and more than that, He promises to walk right beside us.

    May you "see" Him today. May your heart feel a renewed sense of peace and may your spirits be lifted by all of the prayers being sent up. Hold on to your HOPE, Kate. God Loves you and your family. Thank you for sharing your life, your faith, and your family.

    Selena Bragg

  13. "We will overcome all these road blocks and challenges. They are real, they are dangerous, but with the Lord of Hosts on our side saying, press on, remain faithful, just a little bit more, that is what we are resolved to do." Elam

    Praying that your spirit of courage and boldness rises up strongly as it always does.

  14. God Bless you! I continue to pray for all of you!

  15. You have had some very powerful posts..and they all help me keep things in perspective..but this post made me cry..The parts about Ella and Jack..wow! God definitely has a way of saying.."See..I AM faithful..and I WILL remind you of that".