The Good and the Bad

Thank you all for your continued and urgent prayers today.  It has been a crazy, stressful day full of lots of tears and fears.  I will start this post by telling you that about an hour ago we found out that Lucy has had a mini stroke located in the Thalumus of the brain.  It has caused the impaired vision and eye twitching that she has.  She has vision, but can not focus very well and everything looks like its jumping up and down.  It is really frustrating to her as she can't watch TV or play her DSi.  She can't play the iPad that her school gave her either and she is NOT happy about it. 

As I stated before, I had no sooner pressed publish on last night's blog post when she started to complain about her eyesight.  After such a wonderful day yesterday--and I mean WONDERFUL--we just assumed that she was tired and her eyes, like the rest of her, just needed to rest.  When the problem persisted this morning Erik took her on to Memphis.  I was at the doctor myself and just met him and my mother in the clinic at St. Jude.  When I got there I was literally taken aback at how much she had deteriorated.  I just sat in the floor beside her (she was curled up in the wagon) and cried.  I was not prepared for what I saw.  Her eyes were moving all around uncontrollably and she literally couldn't focus on much of anything.  I was scared. 

In the words of our great doctor today, "God had his hand on Lucy."  She said this because an act of congress won't get you a same day MRI and even if it could there's never the circumstance where the patient is NPO.  Well, wouldn't you know that they had an open spot and Lucy had not eaten anything yet.  Oh, little blessings.  It was past 2:00 before we got the MRI and almost 4:30 before we made it back to the clinic.  Once we got there we had to turn around for more imaging.  Let me just tell you.  When one of the world's leading doctors meets you in the hall with the look of fear on his face and tells you that they need more images before they can talk to us you start to panic.  They were not able to sedate Lucy again, so we prayed and prayed for another miracle.  We needed her to stay asleep and she did.  While they did the 10 minute scan, I cried and I prayed and I begged.  I was prepared for the worse.  Erik, too. 

After the scan I met Erik in the waiting room and I could tell he had spent those agonizing minutes in tears as well.  They immediately took us back to the clinic to meet with the doctor.  I walked back into the room with as much fear and anxiety as I could have possibly held in my body.  I could barely walk.  We were both convinced that they were going to tell us the cancer had grown out of control, that the tumors were huge and she was in trouble.  But let me tell you what they told us instead....

Of course, she had to tell us about the stroke.  But then she told us that Lucy's scans showed her disease was literally melting away from the radiation.  This was later confirmed by our favorite Dr. K who said that the disease look better than anyone could have ever imagined.  DID YOU READ THAT?!?!?!?!  Isn't that awesome.  We had been told to prepare for scans, even at 5 weeks out, to look possibly worse due to the swelling caused by Radiation.  To hear that the tumors were responding so positively so quickly is just absolute confirmation that our God is so good.  I am simply speechless tonight as I try to take in all that has happened today.  Even in my moments of meager, embarrasing faith God never took his hand off of Lucy, or me. 

So, here is what happens next.  Lucy will be inpatient for a few days until we get to the root of this problem.  They will be running tests to determine if there is a blood clot in her brain, if she has a blood clotting disorder and various other things.  She has been started on a super, super high dose of steriods (the Dexamethasone that she received at Le Bonheur) that should reduce the swelling in her brain so that her eyes will return to normal.  We are hoping this might happen within a day or so.  And then we just wait and let the Lord work.  Did I mention that that is really, really hard to do?

Please be in constant prayer that the steriods will work and the doctors will be able to determine what has caused the mini stroke.  I am going to have to dig deep and beg for enough faith to help me place Lucy in God's hands so that I don't worry myself to death until we figure this all out.  I am already scared about going to sleep.  What if she has another one?  What if the damage is worse this time?

I am reminded of my friend Nicole who has dealt with a similar situation with her daughter.  It took her a long time, but she was finally able to let it go.  I hope that I can do the same, realizing that I never had control to begin with.  Only the false sense of ownership that we allow ourselves to claim over our children and our own lives.  Another test of faith, another test of courage.  I just hope I don't fail this one miserably.