This is hard for me to say outloud, so I am hoping that writing it will help me process it a little better. Even now, my mind is racing with so many thoughts that I can hardly pray. I hope God will hear my heart through this post. I have had Jack and Ella most of the morning by myself here in this apartment. It's been a struggle to be honest. No one has "their space" here so I have spent most of my time keeping Jack out of the toilet, the cabinets or out of the girls' stuff. Ella is itching to get downstairs to the library and I just want to take a shower. Lucy and Erik are at the Jude right now having her blood drawn, getting her G-CSF shot and meeting with the weekend on-call doctor. (All of which were great, btw. ANC is spiking right now due to the G shots. It will get really high over the next 2 days and then should start to plumet almost instantly.)
Eventually, Ella, Jack and I made it downstairs to the library and great room. Jack was exhausted (because he woke up 4 times last night) and is having a hard time sleeping in his borrowed crib. I have put him down for 3 naps today, only to have him wake up 20 minutes later. When Erik and Lucy got back I brought everyone up to put Jack down for another nap. While Erik was doing laundry down the hall, Lucy started vomiting, Jack was screaming to be picked up and I was fighting back tears. That's when it hit me. I just can't do this the way I had hoped.
I'm notorious for building things up in my head and dreaming of a perfect scenario, only to have reality smack me back down to earth with a loud "thud." It hurts sometimes. Mostly my feelings. Today was one of those days. I had big plans to keep Jack with me during the week. He could go to her doctor appointments with us and then we would come back and hang out in the apartment. Ugh...not so much. Here are the scenarios that make this almost impossible:
-Lucy starts vomiting and he is playing in the toilet or needs to be gotten out of his crib.
-We go to the doctor for a "quick" check up and she is running a fever. Immediate admission to the hospital to the BMT floor, where Jack is not allowed.
-We go to the doctor for a blood draw and her platelets or blood is low. She will then get a transfusion that will take 4-5 hours. Can you imagine keeping Jack content for that long?
Ok, so you get my drift? Man. This stinks. I just want my family together. But the reality is that I have a sick child who demands and deserves my undivided attention. I pray to God everyday with such intense fervor that He is healing my child. I know He is, and I can hold on to the hope that in 4 months this will all be over and we will go back to a normal life. A life that includes all 5 family members sleeping under one roof in our home sweet home. I can not be the caregiver that Lucy needs if my attention is divided between all three children every day.
So I will count on my wonderful family and friends who will work diligently to make sure that I get to see my children each and every day possible. Mom, Dad, Grandma, Grandpa and other friends...THANK YOU! I wouldn't be able to make it through this without you all. My hope is that when Lucy is up to it, someone will bring the kids down at least every other afternoon to visit. Even if I can get my hands on them for a few hours at a time I think it will help fill that void of not being there all the time.
As I've said before everyone has their cross to bear. Everyone here misses their families. And just because I should be "just so happy" that mine is only an hour away, that doesn't always make it easier. I'm still a mom and I miss my children. I'm still a mom and I want to have my family whole again.
I'm just a mom, not super woman.
Your feelings are absolutely legitimate. I am in awe that you are doing what you are doing. Be easier on yourself (I know, easier said or even contemplated than done) and do whatever you can and feel able and that will be enough.
ReplyDeleteI think that you want what any mother would want in this situation. You should not feel bad for feeling the way that you do. Lucy needs you the most right now. From what I have read you have amazing support around you. Just remember that this is not forever just four months. I will start praying that God makes this the fastest four months ever. I think that you are an amazing mother and we all need "our days" every once in awhile and its perfectly ok to have them.
ReplyDeleteIt reads as if you have figured out nobody could do it all and at this time Lucy needs you most.
ReplyDeletePraying for Lucy.
I didn't feel like this post was a pity party at all. What you're going through is tough and you need a place to vent and let out what's in your head. You'll go crazy if you keep everything in and then you wouldn't be much good to any of your children or your husband. You're doing what you need to do because you know it's best for your family. Unfortunately it doesn't necessarily mean the best way is the easy way. You're allowed to miss your family and want everything to be better and back to normal. I'll continue to pray, not only for Lucy, but for all of your family. Keep doing the same great job you've been doing! And remember, nobody expects you to be perfect.
ReplyDeleteI've been reading and praying for while, but this is my first time to write. You deserve to have that pity party and I can't imagine how big my party would be. You are amazing! It doesn't matter if your family is only an hour...it still hurts. I know you are thankful that you can still see them often, but it still doesn't make this whole situation ok. Your pain is real and you deserve to vent. I know that you don't know me, but do know your story has touched my heart. I am praying for Lucy, you, and your entire family. I can't wait to read about her healing in the next few months!
ReplyDeleteNo mother..or any caregiver..could do what you are trying to do !!!! To be two or more places at once..so, first off...don't be so hard on yourself, would it not be possible for one or more in your support system to "trade places" with you a couple of afternoons a week? They come and be with Lucy...and you go home to be with jack and ella?? Might do you all some good!!!
ReplyDeleteSurely there's not a mom among us that would *ever* take you task over your feelings of wanting to be 2 places at once! Bless your sweet heart. I wish I "knew" you more than through your blog and lived in Memphis and could just come be your babysitter and support staff there at the Target House. Because that is what you would need in order to keep a baby there with you! Not to mention a 3rd child as well. I am praying for your peace of mind as you all face this current challenge, this current struggle in this long line of struggles. May God calm and soothe your heart just for today, maybe just for this hour. And then we'll worry about the next hour, the next day, and so on. But know that Lucy's army of prayer warriors is faithful. I think of the parable of the judge and the stubborn widow who simply would not cease her demands on the judge until she was granted her request. So might we all be the stubborn widow as we intercede for Lucy and for all of you.
ReplyDeleteI don't believe I have every commented here before, but I have been reading about and praying for you daily for a couple of months.
ReplyDeleteMy daughter Grace had a massive stroke in November of 2009. She has hydrocephalus, and her shunt failed. Unfortunately, all of this happened right when she had H1N1, and so the failure was overlooked for too long. We were in the PICU and then rehab for 4 months. At the time, our Josiah was 9 months old. My mom and dad came with us to the hospital and stayed with him at the Ronald McDonald House for almost 4 months. There were many days when I felt so guilty, like I was missing out on his life. I was there though. We still made memories...and out time together was so precious, it is even sweeter!!
Please, please, please take care of yourself. Take some time, every day, and just be alone and do something you like. Read a chapter of the Bible, drink a cup of coffee, whatever will refresh you. You not only need it, you deserve it!!
My Grace has a blog, if you ever want to read about another little one who suffered a stroke.
http://gracerighards.blogspot.com/
Always praying for you all!! God bless!
Praying for a peace that passes all understanding! You are continually in my prayers and God sees and hears your heart! You really are super woman!
ReplyDeleteLove Danielle
I am so praying for you and your family. Your comments, thoughts and feelings are justified - though I cannot even begin to understand all you are going through - just know I am praying.
ReplyDeleteBecky in Brighton.
You are far from JUST a mom. You are SuperMom if you ask me. You are not selfish. I have never met you; but I think you are the most selfless person I've ever seen. I can't even begin to imagine what you go through every day. The thoughts you have. The feelings you feel. I have read your blog every day since I first learned of Lucy. My company did a fundraiser with her school a few months back. I hope that Lucy & Ella received their 3D Scooby shirts! I have followed your story every day. Not a day does not go by that I think of Lucy and hope beyond hope that she is healed. You deserve to have your little moment. Take it. Do what you need to do. Your family loves you. You love them. That will get you through this. You are very strong woman Kate. I see it in your words. You will get through this. Lucy will be healed. You will have your family together again. Sometimes the roads just a lil more bumpy & curvy than we'd like for it to be; but we get where we're going.
ReplyDeleteI continued to read your post after the first paragraph. :) I've been dropping by reading your daily posts to keep up to-date on you & your family. (not commenting each time, but praying)Yes, you are a very courageous wife & mother and entitled to the emotions you have vividly described. I am thankful you have such a loving family to support you. I pray you can sense HIS presence this afternoon and find peace in the midst of it all. Lifting you, your family & Lucy to the Great Physician and to the ONE WHO SEES & KNOWS! Karen in MS
ReplyDeleteYou are not just a mom- you are a GREAT mom. You are handling this whole situation with such grace and faith. I don't have kids yet, but my heart hurts thinking about what you must be going through. I pray that you have help and that the time inbetween being with all your babies goes quickly. You are totally allowed to have these moments, and I thank you for sharing them with us. It is great to see you "praising in the storm" (like your song on your blog says) but also having moments of frustration. It makes our God seem that much bigger and better that He loves us and hears our cries in the valleys along with the mountaintops. You are totally glorifying Him in being so transparent with your readers. I know you don't owe us anything and are just documenting your journey, but its so great to see someone being "real." I pray for your family daily. God is good!
ReplyDeleteI can only imagine how you feel. Having two kids of my own, the normal day to day struggles can be stressful on a momma. A sick kid on top of that would be hard. I know we dont know one another personally but I think you are doing a wonderful job. Even though you find it hard to pray right now at times, God hears your every thought. He is right there with you, holding your hand, helping you through this season of your life. I pray that you find the perfect balance for the next few months. I pray that when Lucys treatment is all completed, all this will be a distant memory. Hang in there....and in my book, any momma is superwoman :)
ReplyDeleteYou have every right to feel this way. I can't even imagine what you're going through right now. Praying that everything gets better for you. And remember, you can only do so much and be in one place at a time. Lucy needs your full attention right now. The other kids will come out of this just fine.
ReplyDeleteI hate that you have to ask people not to leave mean comments. You are the strongest woman I know (at least though blog world) right now. God does not expect you to be perfect. He undestands your weakness. He knows how hard all of this is on you, and He will continue to help you make it through. I cannot even pretend to imagine what you are going through. Just be encouraged that Jack will not remember you for these few months in life when you could not be with him 24/7 and neither will sweet Ella. They will remember you for how well you took care of Lucy, and they will trust you to do the same if they are ever in need. Give yourself a hug girl. You really are a superwoman in my eyes. Even superwoman has her weaknesses!
ReplyDeleteYou are not selfish, you are a mom who loves are three of her kids and wants what's best for all of them. There is nothing selfish about it. God bless you
ReplyDeleteYou deserve your moment to break down. Every mom does, and most importantly moms in your situation. You want to be Superwoman, but God did not gives us those powers and for reasons we don't know. I pray for you family often. My specific prayer today will be that you find the strength to make his work. Be there for Lucy, who needs you so badly and to give Ella and Baby Jack all the hugs and love you possibly can. I can only imagine what these next 4 months hold, but remember God has you in his arms and he won't let you go.
ReplyDeleteI stumbled upon your blog just before Lucy moved to St. Jude. I find myself checking updates daily and I pray for your family often.
ReplyDeleteIt so sad to me that you would have to place a disclaimer before you post about what you're feeling. I cannot imagine how anyone could accuse you of being anything remotely near selfish! You have every right to be discouraged and frustrated! I cannot even imagine being in your shoes right now. Just this morning, we studied about Jeremiah becoming discouraged and voicing his feelings to God when bad things were happening to him. As Christians, we feel like we have to see the positive in everything, but God wants to hear what's on our hearts. Being positive and thankful is good, but you are human and not immune to discouragement.
My husband had a rare illness back in December, and he was pretty much paralyzed from head to toe. Someone shared a verse with me that I held close throughout his illness. It was a source of hope and comfort to me during those roughest days. Your family will continue to be in my prayers.
Psalm 103:1-5
Praise the Lord, O my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
Praise the Lord, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits-
who forgives all your sins
and heals all you diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,
who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.
I think you are being too hard on yourself. I can't imagine not feeling like you are, considering everything. It's a lot to deal with and I think it's okay to say so. Blogs are where we get to be as honest as we want to be.
ReplyDeleteI say "you go" girl. Remember that even Jesus himself asked for the cup to be taken from him. (Matthew 26:39 Luke 22:42 ) and I firmly believe that He expects all of us to behave in this same way. Be patient with yourself and give yourself time. Your children are so lucky to have you for their Mother. God's hand is in this.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry that you are having a rough day. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Praying for peace and comfort for you and your family. God Bless!
ReplyDeleteKate, My family has been praying for Lucy since we first heard (through another blog) of the monster illness she is fighting. I cannot put myself in your shoes, but I can pray for you as a momma of three sweet ones. I admire your honesty, your commitment, your courage and your willingness to share openly. I too, build scenarios in my mind and struggle when they don't play out as I had hoped. You are completely normal - and to me, an amazing 'super-woman'! Praying for you in St. Louis.
ReplyDeleteOh Kate, I am so sorry you (and your family) are having to go through this right now. (or ever) I can not even begin to fathom what kind of pain you are going through. I will pray that God hears your prayers, even the unspoken ones. He knows your heart and knows how much we can/can not with stand. With Him will can get through this.
ReplyDeleteThis isn't just Lucy's fight with Cancer but Jesus' fight as well.
Hugs...
ReplyDeleteYou are a amazing mom that is living every mothers nightmare and I honestly don't know what is holding you together. Your family is in my constant prayers.
You are very right - everyone has their cross to bear but, no one else has this exact path that you are walking so for you and your family this is a HUGE (I wish I could make those letter bigger!) change of life. One of my personal pet peeves is when someone says to me about some little trial I'm going through "Well, it could be worse . ."; I just want to scream at them "But this IS my worse! I don't know what worse is and I just want someone to understand!" So for you and your family - I understand why you said all you said; why you wanted things to work; and why it is frustrating to not be superwoman :-) I'm like you - when a situation comes up, I figured out this perfect plan in my head and whether the situation be something unplanned (bad) or something planned (good) - it never works out the way I see it in my mind. I cannot imagine being in your shoes right now but, as a mother, I can understand your heart being torn in two because you want to be several places at once. I, just from reading your blog posts and not even knowing you, can see that you are a fabulous mother and your children are far beyond blessed to you in their lives! I will continue to pray for your family and for you to have the grace to walk each step you have to walk daily.
ReplyDeleteYou are not just a mom. God truly made you special. You are a mother who fiercely wants to gather, protect, love, teach and hold close to her heart her children. You are that mother that every child would have, if this was a perfect world. You are living on your last nerve every day and desperately need to allow yourself to know that God, more than any of us, knows and understands your heart. You make all of us who read and follow wish that we could carry whatever we are living with the motherload of grace that you do. You are God's hands and He will never leave or forsake you. Blessings to you and to Lucy. Oh, how I pray she will be healed. Jack and Ella and Erik are in my prayers, as well as you--every day. May that knowledge give you strength for the day. Blessings, Cynthia
ReplyDeleteBless your sweet heart. Praying for you all!! I'm so sorry it has to be so very hard!! "May the Lord bless and keep you and make His light shine upon you"
ReplyDeleteCan't imagine what you are going through! We pray for you all constantly! I hope this nightmare is over for you after these 4 months! Stay strong! He will bring you through! Allison
ReplyDeleteYou more than deserve to have a little "pity party". I have 4 children (grown now...); only a year between each one. Under "normal" circumstances, motherhood can be quite overwhelming, however, for you...I cannot even imagine. My heart and prayers go out to you that our LORD will sustain you each and every day. I pray that Lucy will feel the healing hand of God on her. And I pray for your entire family. I pray God's blessings on each and every one of you. Remeber, that God is in control of everything; every circumstance and HE loves you all...
ReplyDeleteKate, I had to come out of my blog stalking to comment. I'm so sorry it is not working out according to plan, that is always so disappointing. I am glad that you have your family who are willing/able to help out so you can see the kids as often as possible. You guys keep your heads up, this will be just a little while in the grand scheme of things, and I am sure the Lord will care for Jack. He knows our intents and hearts and will bless your family. Keeping you in our prayers!
ReplyDeleteWhile thinking about the bigger picture/the extent of someone else's misfortune can sometimes give much needed perspective, I've never understood why you're not allowed to be upset, just because someone else has it worse. By those standards, only one person in the world can complain, because someone else is always in a worse situation. You are completely justified in being frustrated and upset and disappointed. And God and those who care about you can handle all those negative emotions. You have no obligation to have unending gratitude and smiles. You aren't (and shouldn't) have that held against you by anyone, mortal or otherwise.
ReplyDeleteYou are a super mom...trust me, you, Lucy and your whole family are inspiring so many people! Thank you for being so honest on your blog! You ALL are in my prayers!!!
ReplyDeleteAnd what a wonderful mom you are. Vent away, anytime at all. You are doing the very best you can with a horrible set of circumstances, and it comes through in your writing just what a great mom you are. Hang in there; know so many have you and your whole family blanketed in prayer.
ReplyDeleteI have been following your blog for a while and don't think I have commented. Every time I read your posts about treatment etc. i think to myself that I don't know how you do it. I can't imagine doing what your doing. I have 3 sons and they would never sit still at any of the appointments etc. Your doing a great job and are just human. We all need to vent from time to time. I pray that God hears your prayers and heals sweet Lucy. Hang in there and just know that you are doing all that you can.
ReplyDeleteWell shut the front door! You are absolutely normal! Cry all night if you want to!
ReplyDeleteYou are a super mom and woman. Your strength is amazing and inspiring.
ReplyDeleteI think you're Superwoman! You're doing an amazing job and I'm praying for you ALL. Keep doing what you're doing Kate. Sending you lots of love, prayers and hugs xo
ReplyDeleteI think you are amazing and there is not one iota of selfishness in your post - continuing to pray for your entire family.
ReplyDeleteI don't think this was a selfish post, and if it was, I believe you have every right to be. I'm not a mom (yet anyways), and I can't imagine all of the things you are feeling right now. I don't know you personally, but by reading your blog it is so incredibly evident that you are a wonderful mother to each of your children and it is incredibly evident how much you love them. My teacher-friend introduced me to your blog during my teaching internship, and since then, your family has constantly been in my thoughts and prayers. I continue to pray God's blessings and mercies on your sweet family.
ReplyDeletei am a mom of little ones too and this post brought tears to my eyes. this is such a difficult situation for you. i hope that this tough time passes for you quickly and you are all able to be one happy, healthy family under one roof together very soon!
ReplyDeleteKate, who wouldn't feel the way that you do!?!
ReplyDeleteYou're going through a mother's nightmare! That's the reason so many of us are called to prayer many times a day for you and your family! Thanks for your honesty!
God appreciates your honesty. God can always deal with truth! He will show you the way and protect all your children while you're going through this season of your life.
We love you and will continue to pray for you!
I am available to deliver your children to you, just contact me!
Go ahead and vent all you want! You have every right! I have been praying for your sweet Lucy, but I need to remember to pray for you as well; your life is in an upheaval right now, and you're being pulled in so many different directions. It's perfectly understandable that you would feel the way you do. I'll lift you up in prayer as well as Lucy and your whole family.
ReplyDeleteOh Kate, I am a total stranger to you, but if anyone thought you were being selfish or that you should be grateful for being separated from your family, they are CRAZY!! What you are going through is something that I don't think any of us could ever imagine ourselves surviving. I am sure that 1 year ago, you would never have thought that you would be able to do what you're doing right now. But you're doing it, because you have to, and with the strength of the Lord and your family and friends. I have been praying for your precious Lucy and your family and will continue to do so!
ReplyDeleteStef
I am praying for you right now. You are DEFINITELY entitled to throwing a pity party and God can handle it! He knows your heart and sees how you minister to your family daily. I love to follow your blog and read about your updates and progress. I am praying for healing and restoration! I am a childhood cancer survivor and can tell you that there is light at the end of this very long tunnel. Praying for you all daily!
ReplyDeleteKara Osborne
http://marcusandkara.blogspot.com
I can't even begin to imagine. You are more than entitled to feel like this. I pray that you find some sort of peace. I'm praying for a miracle, sweet Lucy!
ReplyDeleteYour honesty is much appreciated Kate! Don't EVER stop. You are doing an amazing job juggling all that you have on your plate!!
ReplyDeleteHI Kate. I have been follwing your blog for a couple of months now and Lucy and your family are constantly in my prayers. I cannot imagine anyone telling you that you are being selfish by what you have written in this post. You are, as you said, just being a Mom. As a fellow Mom I can only imagine the heart break that you must feel having to be apart from your other children while you work constantly to make Lucy better. I pray God gives you the strength that you need and the hope that soon your family will be home again under one roof. Know that so many are keeping all of you in our prayers.
ReplyDeleteThere is no shame in feeling this way! You ARE a super Mom and each of your children know in their hearts that you are doing the best you can! I pray for your peace and Jack and Ella's understanding that one day this will pass and you 5 will be whole again! Keep up the fight and it will pay off! I feel it in my heart of hearts and the power of prayer is so powerful that it HAS to work because we believe it! Big hugs and prayers from Little Rock Arkansas! Blessing unto you and your babies!
ReplyDeleteMay the Lord Bless you and keep you, May the Lord make his face to shine upon you and be gracious unto you, May the Lord lift up his countenance upon you, and give you peace.
I read your blog everyday but have never commented. As a mom, I often ask myself how you are doing what you do. You may not feel like super woman, but I think you are doing an amazing job. Your children are lucky to have such a wonderful mommy! I know God has some amazing plans for Lucy and you both. Remember "if we don't experience the valleys, we won't know what it's like to be on the mountaintops!
ReplyDeleteDarlin you really need to give yourself a break. We are all human and so not perfect. Personally, I don't think your feelings are so horrible. You ARE a Mom and we all want to do it all. That's just how God made us. Thing is, sometimes we can't and we just have to accept it and move on and you will. You are a smart woman and probably running on Gods strength alone at this point. Just give it to Him. He understands. He made us and lived in our shoes. There are a lot of people out here interceding for you. Thank you and bless your heart for giving us the information needed to specifically pray for YOUR needs too. Lucy and her siblings need you to not be troubled and prayer is the best way for you to get there! Walk in Love. Michelle
ReplyDeleteI can't at all imagine what you are going through. When my Sam has been in the hospital I have always felt so guilty that my daughter has gotten the short end of the stick. As he has chronic issues I am always dropping her somwhere and often it breaks my heart. Know that this momma is praying for you and lifting you in my prayers. That God will strengthen you and sustain you, that your family/friends can help keep your family together as much as possible, but mostly that your heart stops hurting so much since you aren't Super Woman, and you are SUPER MOM, which is better, but you just can't be in more than one place at once.
ReplyDeleteSending tons of prayers your way!!!
You have every right to feel the way you are feeling. You are right, you are just a mom, not superwoman. I can only imagine what you are going through. I am believing with you that God is healing your Lucy. I read all of your updates, and have a little boy a little older than your Jack. I can only imagine how hard it is to make sure you are tending to your very sick little girl, while still trying to be a mother to your other two children. I am praying that God gives you peace, and that this will soon be over for your family. God Bless!
ReplyDeleteA wise woman once told me to drop should from my vocabulary.( as in I "should" feel this way or I "should" do that) It has served me well.
ReplyDeleteYes, you are a Mom... a wonderful, loving, caring, giving Mom. You are human, too, & allowed the feelings of disappointment & frustration that ANY Mom experiences, much less a Mom with a such a sick child as Lucy. I fully believe in my heart that Ella & Jack feel and know the same amount of love from their Mommy as Lucy does even though there is distance & "unequal time" (for lack of a better term) now. You do have an awesome support system of family & friends, and Your Lord, whose love knows no boundaries. I pray that you always, even on days like today, feel the love in your heart that surrounds you & your family.
ReplyDeleteI love you, Kate.
ReplyDeleteI totally understand how you feel. When my husband was in the hospital, he didn't want me to leave his side. But I felt I needed to be home with my daughter too. What do you do? You can't be in 2 places at once. I finally figured out that my daughter was just fine. She had people who loved her taking care of her and she probably didn't even notice I wasn't there. I was having a much harder time being away from her than she was from me. I knew my husband needed me way more than she did.
ReplyDeleteI know there are thousands of people praying for Lucy right now and that those prayers are being answered. But people forget that the caregivers have their own prayer needs. Thanks for letting us know what your needs are right now. Praying for you........
I do not know you at all, ran across your blog and stopped because I have a dear friend whose son will begin a stem cell transplant in 2 week. Dear Mama, you are so very right to let others help you. God has placed them in your life for this very purpose. It IS hard. But it's right. This is ONLY a season....it will end...you will be thankful that you made the choice of being with your sick child and the other two will be impacted POSITIVELY by the dedication they see you have to Lucy. Believe it. No, an hour away isn't necessarily easier for you but it is much easier for your dear family who is helping you. God bless you.
ReplyDeleteYou are an amazing mom with strength that shines through in all that you do. I don't know you but follow your blog and pray for Lucy and your family. Jack and Ella will always remember you loving them...even if you are not under one roof.....
ReplyDeleteJust want you to know you have been in my prayers a lot throughout the last two days, and my children have been praying for Lucy too. I participated in Relay for Life last weekend, and we made a luminaria bag for Lucy--did a lot of praying for her throughout my laps around the track. I am pleading with Jesus to HEAL her, as He healed so many while He was here on earth...that was what He did over and over. He healed people, taught them about truly loving God, and about faith. I wish there was something I could physically do for you (I know we are strangers, but I am a mom of four, and a sister in Christ. and I know how tough it must be to be pulled in so many directions...wanting all your precious babies together under one roof, healthy and whole)...I wish I could give you just one day of peace and normalcy...we will keep fighting in our prayers for your family and your sweet Lucy. Blessings...
ReplyDeleteYou may not be SuperWoman, but you *are a Super Mom. Remember that, and do not doubt yourself.
ReplyDeleteSounds like a super rough day in the midst of a super rough time. You are loved by so many people including me and I don't even know you! Wish I could bring your your favorite Starbucks and keep Jack out of the toilet for a while so you could catch your breath. Tomorrow will be a new day. A new day closer to a new normal. Hope tonight is a restful one for everyone.
ReplyDeleteOh my heart hurts for you! I can only imagine how difficult it is to have your family separated. It makes me upset to even think about it. As mommies, we try to be superwoman because we love our families so much and want to do what is best for them. So I will continue to pray that God will give you peace, comfort and strength; heal Lucy's body; and provide peace, security and understanding to your other children.
ReplyDeleteHi Kate,
ReplyDeleteI have been following your blog. I just wanted to say that you are superwoman. You are stronger than you ever wanted to be and you are doing it so well. Be proud of yourself for being the mother that you are to Lucy, Ella, and Jack. I read your posts everyday and am amazed at just how strong you are. Keep your chin up and that cape swaying in the wind. This will pass and you and your family will perserve.
I don't think anyone would call you selfish. you have a very heavy cross to bear these days and I know you must feel more than conflicted with three kids pulling you in three very different directions and needing you on three different levels. Ella needs stability (well they all do) still needs to live life as a "regular" kid. Lucy needs all sorts of support and time from you. Jack, as a baby, needs his mommy. Seems to me that it is just plain impossible for you to fill all these needs. You can only do you best and try to spread yourself as best you can. Let your friends and family fill in as needed. And just keep hanging in there. I can't even imagine how hard it is for you, so feel free to throw yourself a lil pity party whenever you need one! They can be helpful from time to time. I will keep you & your kids in my prayers for sure!!
ReplyDeleteYou deserve a pity party, none of us can imagine how incredibly over whelming this must be. I don`t work summers, I wish I lived close enough to bring you kids for a daily visit, or help brainstorm other ideas for you to see them daily. Since I can`t help you I guess I need to keep my eyes and ears open for a local family in need of help.
ReplyDeleteBelieve in yourself! You are doing great! You are in a really, really rotten situation and there is no "perfect" way to make it all work.
Lori ( Spokane WA)
You are not selfish, you are normal. God bless you!
ReplyDeleteA pity party is good for the soul! My daughter and I go so far as to bake a cake and wrap a gift. We also try to plan it for about three days out to give us time to come to grips with the situation and completely cover it in prayer.
ReplyDeleteI am praying for your little Lucy and even tell my family, "Pray for a little girl named Lucy that we don't know." God sure knows that precious child! --Angie
I hate it when God reminds us that we aren't super women! I especially hate surprise pity parties. Hang on to your hope. Hang on to your faith. Hang on to your family and friends. You are an amazing woman. GO KATE GO! GO LUCY GO!
ReplyDeleteI pray for your peace and for complete healing for your child and for your heart. It may help to bring one of Jack's sheets from home or put one of your shirts or your husbands shirts (that you have worn all day) in his borrowed crib. Sometimes the smell will help them sleep more peacefully. It worked for us when traveling.
ReplyDeleteKate, I think you are doing everything you can to see your babies as much as possible. You are SO entitled to your pity party and your disappointment that things cannot be the way you envisioned. I pray for Lucy's complete healing and I pray for peace for you as you try to maintain a sense of 'normal' for Jack and Ella.
ReplyDeleteYou have every right to have a pity party. I cry every time I read your blog. I can only imagine your pain and fears right now. You are pretty darn close to being superwoman! You will get through this and I have faith your family will be whole again.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure if you ever spoke of this, but how did you (do you) explain to Lucy and Ella what is going on? How much do they know? Does Lucy grasp or ask questions of her illness?
Two things come to mind as I read your post. Your are NORMAL and you are WISE. You and Erik have so much to contend with now and even though we, (me too), are the super mom types, there is only so much we can do.You are not selfish, you are smart. Love you all!
ReplyDeleteSuzy Smith
I am totally amazed at your entire family through this time in your life. Reminds me totally of the songs Blessings by Laura Story. I will continue to pray for Lucy to be healed and for all of you - but it is so obvious to me God is with you all.
ReplyDeleteDon't apologize for breaking down, you deserve it. YOU ARE SUPERWOMAN/MOM in my book. Hang in there, I pray for y'all every day!!!!
ReplyDeleteYou are human my dear!! WE all have days like this! They are hard but are given to us to teach either us something or someone around us something! Praying for you and your sweet family. Here is to a better day! :)
ReplyDeleteYou go ahead and have a pity party anytime you want! Make it a big one with party hats and all! We are here for you! Let it all out girl. Praying for your sweet Momma heart. I can't even begin to imagine the emotions that you are going through. My heart hurts for you.
ReplyDeleteLifting you up in prayer today and every day.
I read your blog every day and am constantly thinking of you and your family and you are always in my prayers. All of your feelings are legitimate and I cannot imagine what you're going through right now, individually and as a family. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your whole family.
ReplyDeleteIt's like a boiling teapot that needs to let off steam....you're not having a pity party. You are dealing with a lot right now, and being too hard on yourself. Go ahead and vent..let that steam come out. You'll feel a little better when you do. All will be well.
ReplyDeleteI have been having my own pity party and God must have led me to your blog. I am praying for you and your family. I have lupus, just diagnosed and cannot be supermom anymore either, but my kids are grown and live out of state, two in South Carolina where my one granddaughter also lives. I am blessed and my eyes are opened. God bless you and yours.
ReplyDeleteI just saw this post and I'm praying for you! I don't put you down for being this way - I know it has to be hard! I can't understand the horror that you are going through, but thankfully I have a God that does! Just remember...with God ALL things are possible! Praying hard for your family!
ReplyDeleteLove,
Allison
You have Every right to have the feelings you do....praying for your family and little Lucy.
ReplyDeletelove,
Shawna
Boise, Idaho
Hang in there....praying for u and your family and little Lucy.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Shawna
Boise, Idaho
I would never, ever think of you as selfish- my goodness, far from it. You and your family have been dealt a very tough hand, but you will ALL persevere ! Not only are you caring for your sick child, but you have 2 others that need Mommy as well. The stress has to be daunting. One day at a time, take care of you, too. If you feel well, you'll be able to cope better. Thinking of you, Libby
ReplyDeletedon't ever apologize. You are a superwoman to your family. (and to the rest of us too)
ReplyDeletekate , oh my girl i dont feel that it was a pitty post i feel like it was a post from a normal mom that miss her family being all together in ther own place on there own schedule and at his time with this trail that has been put before you it not due able.... you are amazing everytime i read your blog you just amaze me over and over again, your strength is so inspirational and your love for the savior is so beatiful... the lord gave us all familys and friends to help us down the road in life and its alright to have to rely on them this time in yours... you are a great mom and thank you for letting us be apart of this journey your family is on... please know me and my children pray for lucy and your family every night and all i hope for you is that you have peace in your heart and know you are super women to many of us that dont know you personally..... take care and much love to your whole famil!!!!!
ReplyDeleteYou are one amazing Mother! You simply can not handle 3 children especially when one is so ill and one is a baby at the same time. Have a rule 2 adults when you have both Jack and Lucy. Have a friend do the laundry! My prayers are with you every day.
ReplyDeleteKate,
ReplyDeleteI have thought of you one million times since you wrote this post. I didn't respond immediately, but have responded so many times in my mind since yesterday! You are a wonderful, very HUMAN mother who longs for her family to be well and whole and together. What mama wouldn't and doesn't want that? I pray that God will envelope you with a peace and strength that truly surpasses your understanding!! Know that He is going to meet you in those dark, frustrating, lonely, and tired places. You have a strong team of believers lifting you up!!
Love and hugs from Arkansas,
Amanda
You are amazing! I admire you for being so strong and not giving up. I don't know how you do it. You are more than entitled to have "melt downs". This is by no means easy for you or anyone for that matter. You are truly blessed to have your beautiful family and support from friends and loved ones. You hold your head up and do not feel guilty for anything. You are amazing and a wonderful mother. God is holding you and that beautiful baby close. Thoughts and prayers with you continuously.
ReplyDeleteKate, thank you for expressing your feelings. I would be way more worried about you if you didn't have such clarity and faith. You can't be an expert in this stuff...who would want that? You are exactly enough for each of your children...try to be as loving to yourself and trust God for the balance.
ReplyDeleteYour faithful spirit, your writings and your devotion amaze me and inspire me daily. Sending you love and prayers from Dayton, Ohio.