Day 2

The pictures above were some that my good friend Phil Ramsey took for Lucy's 4 year portrait. I remember vividly taking several weeks to order them because they were all so good I couldn't decide which ones I wanted. This is the picture of Lucy that I have in my head. While I know my picture of Lucy is going to change a lot over the next few weeks and months, my heart will always remember Lucy like this. If you could look closely at her feet they are covered in mud. That's my Lucy. Muddy feet and a hairbow!

Unfortunately this is Lucy now. In between bouts of vomiting, and waves of pain that hit like a wrecking ball, she tried to sleep. It's been a really hard day. Her neck and back ache constantly. She is on a continual supply of pain medications, but sometimes the pain is greater than the medicines. I was able to help give her a sponge bath in the bed tonight and that made me happy. She was miserable, but I'm convinced it will help her sleep better tonight.

We had several friends and family members visit tonight. I was especially surprised to see my family from Hendersonville. It was a somber reunion, but it brought some much needed distraction for the day. Everyone keeps telling me I am being so strong and so courageous. I just tell them that I'm glad they can't see the inside. I'm a hot mess! The past two days were really tough emotionally. Today I think I was most concentrated on helping Lucy cope with her pain. I haven't had time to mourn yet. I'm sure I will eventually. My days run into nights which run into days. It's bizarre really. It's almost as if there is no division of time. I'm living in one really long minute.

My mouth moves, I say words, I put thoughts together but it's not me talking. I'm standing on the outside watching a person that looks like me talk. I wish I could explain it better but maybe one day when I'm reading this 10 years from now I will be able to remember this feeling. I want to remember this feeling, as bad as it is. It will serve as a constant reminder of how precious each of my children's lives are and how much I cherish every breath they take.

Erik and I did have one super distraction today......

My babies came to visit. I couldn't hold Ella enough and Jacks fat cheeks were raw from my kisses! I miss them desperately. Especially Jack. Ella is living la vida loca right now, so I don't worry about her as much. Hopping from one party to the next. Don't get me wrong. She misses Lucy and was so happy to see her today, but she is enjoying the attention she is getting from friends and her grandparents, aunts and uncles. Jack on the other hand is my baby. He needs me. I am his caregiver. This is the time we are supposed to be bonding. I worry he will forget me. I worry that he will associate someone else as his mother. I sob as I write this because it rips my heart out. It's like two separate torments to deal with at once.

But once again I am reminded that he was never MY baby to begin with. Just like Lucy and Ella, he is only mine to hold here on earth. God is the caregiver to all 3 of my children. If he sees fit for someone else to fill in for me for a while I will accept that and focus my energy to helping Lucy get well. She has a horrible fight ahead of her and she is going to need me. I have to be her rock because she's going to need all the extra strength she can get.

Philippians 4:6-8
6"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.