Day 2

The pictures above were some that my good friend Phil Ramsey took for Lucy's 4 year portrait. I remember vividly taking several weeks to order them because they were all so good I couldn't decide which ones I wanted. This is the picture of Lucy that I have in my head. While I know my picture of Lucy is going to change a lot over the next few weeks and months, my heart will always remember Lucy like this. If you could look closely at her feet they are covered in mud. That's my Lucy. Muddy feet and a hairbow!

Unfortunately this is Lucy now. In between bouts of vomiting, and waves of pain that hit like a wrecking ball, she tried to sleep. It's been a really hard day. Her neck and back ache constantly. She is on a continual supply of pain medications, but sometimes the pain is greater than the medicines. I was able to help give her a sponge bath in the bed tonight and that made me happy. She was miserable, but I'm convinced it will help her sleep better tonight.

We had several friends and family members visit tonight. I was especially surprised to see my family from Hendersonville. It was a somber reunion, but it brought some much needed distraction for the day. Everyone keeps telling me I am being so strong and so courageous. I just tell them that I'm glad they can't see the inside. I'm a hot mess! The past two days were really tough emotionally. Today I think I was most concentrated on helping Lucy cope with her pain. I haven't had time to mourn yet. I'm sure I will eventually. My days run into nights which run into days. It's bizarre really. It's almost as if there is no division of time. I'm living in one really long minute.

My mouth moves, I say words, I put thoughts together but it's not me talking. I'm standing on the outside watching a person that looks like me talk. I wish I could explain it better but maybe one day when I'm reading this 10 years from now I will be able to remember this feeling. I want to remember this feeling, as bad as it is. It will serve as a constant reminder of how precious each of my children's lives are and how much I cherish every breath they take.

Erik and I did have one super distraction today......

My babies came to visit. I couldn't hold Ella enough and Jacks fat cheeks were raw from my kisses! I miss them desperately. Especially Jack. Ella is living la vida loca right now, so I don't worry about her as much. Hopping from one party to the next. Don't get me wrong. She misses Lucy and was so happy to see her today, but she is enjoying the attention she is getting from friends and her grandparents, aunts and uncles. Jack on the other hand is my baby. He needs me. I am his caregiver. This is the time we are supposed to be bonding. I worry he will forget me. I worry that he will associate someone else as his mother. I sob as I write this because it rips my heart out. It's like two separate torments to deal with at once.

But once again I am reminded that he was never MY baby to begin with. Just like Lucy and Ella, he is only mine to hold here on earth. God is the caregiver to all 3 of my children. If he sees fit for someone else to fill in for me for a while I will accept that and focus my energy to helping Lucy get well. She has a horrible fight ahead of her and she is going to need me. I have to be her rock because she's going to need all the extra strength she can get.

Philippians 4:6-8
6"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

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  1. Kate,we love you. I tell everyone to pray for Lucy and your whole family.So many have said to say they have passed on Prayer chains all over for Lucy and your family. Continually praying, Alisa

  2. Kate-I have always seen you as a very stong person. Someone who knows what you want in life. I look at you as being very determined. THATS WHAT LUCY NEEDS IN YOU RIGHT NOW! Her little body is tired and weak and she needs you to be strong. I totally understand what you mean by saying you feel like you are living on the outside looking in. God knows how you feel and he is carrying you through. Stay stong! We serve a powerful, almighy GOD and he knows every tear you cry. He hears every prayer going up! At this point you have to live one day at a time. We love you guys and are praying for comfort and peace for your family and especially for Lucy!

    Philippians 4:13
    I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me

  3. I am a friend of Sarah Sullivan's and got to your blog from hers. My heart breaks for you and your family as you go through this terrible time. So sorry that your daughter has to go through this and she, as well as your family, will be in our thoughts and prayers.

  4. Kate and Erik, you have such a vast network of friends and family praying for every aspect of this journey. You are in God's hands and surrounded with thousands of sincere prayers for Lucy, her doctors, and your family. - The Zweigs

  5. Praying without ceasing. Covington is being covered in pink and purple bows in support of your precious Lucy. Rest when you can so you can stay strong for your little one. I pray for peace and strength for you all that only God can give. This will be one of those times when there will be only one set of footprints in the sand. God will carry you through.
    Rodney and Joan Hanks

  6. Kate, It was a blessing to meet you and your family. We will continue to lift Lucy up in prayer. Ivee and I will be moving back up to Memphis in a few weeks. If you need anything, to talk or just vent to someone who has walked and is walking this, you just let me know. My website is www.thefoleyfamily.blogspot.com or www.caringbridge.org/visit/iveefoley. You can also find me on facebook under Hope Long Foley (Mobile Network)
    God bless you, find your strength in Him and remember you are not alone!!!

  7. Praying for comfort and relief from pain for Lu Lu...and you guys too. As I sit here looking at that beautiful collage created by Phil, I can only say, how beautiful, how precious, and how perfect she is. The picture below: bless her heart, I can see how exhausted and in pain she is, but you know what...she is still beautiful, precious, and perfect! Love you!

  8. Jason and I have just learned of sweet Lucy. Please know that you are in our thoughts and prayers.

  9. My words aren't enough to comfort you, so we're still praying & I'm sending you a big hug :)

  10. Hello, Kate. I writing to offer you empathy. My best friend's son, Noah has been fighting Medulloblastoma for 16 months. Noah is 7 and is my son's best friend. Our families have been on an emotional roller coaster, holding onto each other, family and friends for support. If you want to see her blog: www.jedinoah.wordpress.com . Amber has also started a foundation: www.noahslightfoundation.org. She can give you and your family lots of support and "heads up" on everything...something she had a hard time finding when Noah was diagnosed.
    We're all here for you and your family.
    Maryellen Hooper

  11. Stranger in this life. Sister in Christ. Cheerleader in your daughter's corner. Fellow mom.

  12. Dear Kate, "And a little child shall lead them"
    I haven't seen our church so united in a very long time as it was this morning. The congregation flooded the altar area to pray for sweet Lucy and all of you. There was an amazing oneness at last. Thank you for your witness, courage, and inspiration. In my heart and my prayers.

  13. Kate,
    I am thanking God that His healing power is flowing through your baby right now, and I will continue to thank Him each day for healing Lucy. I am also praying that He will take away her pain. I am lifting you and Eric and your family up to God asking Him to wrap His loving arms around you, I hope you feel His peace and presence.

  14. Kate- I was blessed to have prayer chapel duty today. My prayer partner was not at church today so I had it all by myself. I cannot tell you how many cards was for your baby girl and family. We are continuing to pray for comfort for little Lucy and for him to strengthen her body for the days to come. I pray that he will comfort you and Erik and that he helps you guys get some rest. We love you guys and pray BELIEVING that Lucy WILL be cancer free!

  15. I am one of Alisa Cook's friends. I work for your Uncle Warren Rose. I can't even imagine what Lucy, you and your family are going through. That poor sweet baby.....my heart breaks for her. Every morning I wake up and go right to your website to check for updates. I will continue to pray for her and your family. Stay stong and remember God works miracles.

  16. My heart hurts for you as you miss your other two kids also. It sounds like you have a great support system! Lean on them during this time. You will need the strength to help Lucy through her recovery. Rest when you can. Take breaks when you can. The Lord is carrying you all through this.
    In Christ,
    Carmen Pfeifer

  17. Dear Kate,

    Just stumbled across your website and I wanted to tell you I am sending positive energy and holding your family in the Light. When my youngest was 8 weeks old my 12 year old daughter became very sick and was in the hospital for a month-the baby and I just moved into her hospital room and lived there! Dad kept the other kids at home and would pull an occasional night shift at the hospital but when you're 12 you dont want Dad helping you with anything personal! My advise to you-when people say "How can I help?", have a list of things and assign them something-laundry, babysitting, food, dogwalking or just to sit with you and hold your hand. Kindness from friends is the main thing that got us through her illness! BTW, she is now 22 and beautiful, and teaches children.... Shannon