Spring Break Begins

Both girls were supposed to begin Spring Break this week.  Ella will enjoy her time off and Lucy will be headed to St. Jude everyday.  Once again, just add it to the long list of things that are unfair about life these days.  Lucy does have one distraction, though.  A really good, fun distraction.  Her cousins have come for a visit.  They are all on Spring Break, too, so it worked out perfectly.  They will be staying at the apartment we have gotten for Erik's parents, so Lucy won't get too overwhelmed.  Yesterday Annaleis, Abby and Alec arrived.  Our other cousin Sada will be here Tuesday. 

Yesterday it was rather cold outside but Lucy really wanted to go to buy flowers so we bundled up and went to Oaklawn Garden Center.  Her little bald head got so cold she put this Buff on that a friend had brought her.  Saturday was hard for Momma.  I hated the constant reminder that she was sick.  Her sister and cousins were outside running around and playing and she was not.  I cried a lot.  I was angry.  Again, its just not fair.  I know I sound like a 4 year old pouting, but its just how I feel. 

Towards the end of the night, Lucy decided that she wanted to play some.  It did my heart good to see her in the floor playing with her cousins.  They were bouncing and rolling a glowing ball in a circle.  Lucy told everyone they had to be careful because "she was attached" while pointing to her central line.  It was so cute.  You should hear her say central line, too.  She is only 5 so she still has not mastered her r's and l's.  It's more like centwal line.  Just typing it makes me smile. 

Despite the obvious situation, the day turned out to be great. As I went to bed I shed some tears, though.  Our best friends were next door all having dinner together.  Kids at the sitters, the grill was going.  I could even hear them laughing and listening to music.  I don't begrudge them any time they had together and I sure don't expect my friends to stop living.  I just think it was a hard reminder that we live a totally different life now.  I wouldn't have been anywhere except home with my children last night, but I just wish that our life did not mandate that right now.  I know I am being totally selfish and I struggled even writing that on my blog.  BUT, this is my journal and I don't think I would be fair to myself if I didn't remember exactly how I felt during this whole journey.  Just like I should, I have good moments and bad moments.  I'm human.  I'm a mother.  I struggle with selfish feelings just like the next guy. 

But as Erik pointed out tonight this is either a situation placed in our lives for a season that we will learn from, grow from and live from or it will have an ending that none of us can even speak of but we will make the most of every minute together as a family.  I can't dwell on the later, but I do know it is a possibility.  I am chosing to be positive.  To keep constant faith that God will answer our prayers.

I can already say that my life will forever be changed for many reasons from Lucy being sick.  My faith in God is stronger and deeper than I could have ever imagined.  I have learned to talk to Him like I never did before.  I don't pray prayers that are well versed, but I have learned to speak from my heart.  I feel more connected with Him on a daily basis.  I still have such a long way to go with my Christian walk, but I am getting stronger every day.  God has revealed himself to me in ways unimaginable during this journey.  Just when I need Him most, he is there. 

Thursday I began to feel as if I was not pushing Lucy hard enough with her walking.  We carry her everywhere or push her in her stroller.  Before she had her brace we didn't have an option.  She wasn't really allowed to walk.  Now that she has it I just didn't know how hard to push her.  Well, just this morning I received a text from my friend Dana.  I use the word "friend" liberally, since we really are just acquaintances.  Her family's generous outpouring of love and support has meant so much that I feel as if I can take the liberty of calling them friends. 

Anyway, Dana was born with Cerebral Palsy and has overcome some major obstacles and challenges in her life.  One of them was walking.  She told me that one of the best things her parents ever did for her was treat her as if she was normal and pushed her to the limit.  She said that it was hard at times, but their willingness to be the bad guys made her into the beautiful and strong woman she is today.  She was afraid that she had overstepped her boundaries by writing this to me, but it was just the opposite.  I truly believe that God used Dana to send me a message.  And who better than a person who had overcome such trials to give me advice.  They were just the words I needed to hear. 

God continues to show Himself and I continue to try to listen and be aware of Him in the small things.  He's there.  He always is.  Even when we doubt it the most, He's there.  Waiting on us to call on him.  Waiting on us to reach out our hand to him.  I think we just have to be willing to sit quietly sometimes and allow himself to be revealed.  Don't get me wrong.  It's not easy and at times its maddenly frustrating.  But I can tell you from my own personal hell these past 6 weeks he has never left me alone.  Even in the deepest pit I have felt him.  And surely on the mountaintop I shared my triumph with him.  That's just how he works. 

Hebrews 13:5-6 "Let your conduct be without covetousness, and be content with such things that you have, for he has said, 'I will never leave you, nor forsake you,' so that we may boldly say, 'The Lord is my helper, and I will not fear what man shall do to me.'"