I have such wonderful pictures to share, but that would require me to keep track of my camera cord to upload my pictures. Seriously. Can you say a bit distracted these days?? I'll find it tomorrow and share them then. Erik's other sister leaves Saturday morning and I'm sure there will be more tears then.
I have felt safe this week. At times, for even a brief moment, watching Lucy play with her cousins-laughing, joking, smiling--I forgot she was sick. Granted, reality would slap me in the face very quickly, but those brief moments of denial were wonderful. It is maddening trying to make sense of Lucy's cancer. I know I have to stop trying to understand it, but I just can't. Even last night I was videoing Lucy dying Easter eggs with her cousins and I got so choked up I had to leave the room. I cried my eyes out with a broken heart and angry spirit.
I rocked Jack to sleep tonight and prayed my little heart out. Tonight's prayer was asking forgiveness more than anything. I am so utterly full of doubt and despair right now that I feel so guilty. I feel as if I am at an all time low in my faith. Tomorrow Lucy will finish her 4th week of RT. I know I should be counting down the days until we are done, but I'm honestly a nervous wreck. 4 weeks after her last RT, she will have an MRI that will determine how effective the radiation was. It makes my stomach turn in knots just thinking about it. The "what ifs" have invaded my mind and have completely taken over. I just can't seem to shake it.
Anyone reading this blog that has felt I was such a "woman of faith" before is surely disappointed to see the real me tonight. The me that is terrified that all this hell I have allowed my baby to go through will be in vain. The me that is scared to death I may lose her. The me that wants to shout at God for allowing this to happen. And the me that is so conflicted in her emotions that one minute I am literally crying thanks to God for every second I have with my sweet Lucy and then torn apart with sadness the next. I'm a wreck to be honest with you. Actually what I am is a mother who loves her child so much it literally hurts. My mind hearts, my heart hurts and my whole body aches from desire to see her whole again.
I keep reminding God that He can't blame me for my feelings. He should have never given Lucy to me if he did not want me to love her so much. He should have never made her so perfect in the first place if he did not want me to fall madly in love with her and cling to very being. I just can't help it. She is an angel sent to me-an absolute undeserved blessing. And I'm not the only one who loves her. She is surrounded by family, friends and strangers alike who are all pouring their all on the altar of God asking for his mercy and miraculous healing grace.
And I should probably give you all a heads up, too. Since Lucy was diagnosed, I've been pleading for Jesus to return. Just come on back, Lord, and take away all this hurt from us all. I have lived nothing short of a sinful life, but I do know that I am a child of God. My husband is a Christian, our families are, my oldest daughter now is and my two youngest are covered by God's understanding and sweet mercies. So...yep. We're ready. Come on and get us sweet Jesus. No healing on this earth will even begin to match the healing that we will experience in heaven.
I am still just dumbfounded by the number of people who have read and still continue to read this blog. In a way it is a blessing and a curse. A total blessing because of the number of people who are praying for Lucy's healing every day. I could have never reached this many people without this outlet. And even though I spend a lot of time in the valleys these days I know for sure that your prayers are working. I covet those prayers and ask that you please don't stop.
At the same time, however, the blog has been a bit of a curse. While I always try to be as honest as I can with my emotions and feelings, there are times I probably hold back as to not truly convey my anger and frustrations with God. I would never want to be a stumbling block to anyone. Tonight, though, I had some things I needed to get out. My tears were just not doing the job. It was time to put fingers to keyboard. My desire, however, is that you will understand my fear and anger but also realize that I have full faith in a God who never fails. I view my relationship with God like I do my own family. There are times when I want to yell at them or not talk to them but I always love them no matter what. I never turn my back on them and in the end we are still family. That's how it is with God. He knows my heart, so I might has well speak the words. He reads my mind, so I might has well verbalize my hateful thoughts. And after I do, I feel these wonderful, loving arms wrap tight around me and reassure me that he still loves me. I'm still his child and he wants nothing but the best for me and Lucy.
One day I hope to understand the depths of how greatly my faith has been solidified through this trial. It actually doesn't even make sense. I know that today I am running a little low, but in general this whole ordeal has brought me to my knees, every day a little closer to God. That in itself has been a blessing. I am grateful for my salvation and grateful for a loving God who loves my Lucy even more than I do.
Last week Erik and I spent some time in the meditation garden at St. Jude and I wanted to share this picture. We have a long, long journey ahead of us and I look forward to spending more time in this quite sanctuary talking with God.
Sorry if this post has been all of the board, but that's what happens when you are utterly exhasuted and its 11:00 at night.