Thursday, August 18, 2011

No Title

I've been sitting in front of the computer for 5 minutes trying to come up with a catchy title for today's post, but nothing comes to mind except "the day that never seemed to end because it was full of frustration and disappointment and generally just sucked."  I didn't think that was a winner, so I'm just moving on. 

It was another long night last night.  No fever, but lots of getting up to use the bathroom.  Luckily it was really rainy and dark outside this morning, so we all slept in until around 9am.  The the barrage of nurses and doctors began their exams and poking and prodding.  Around noon, Dr. T came in and told me that unless something changes he didn't feel comfortable letting us leave tomorrow.  In fact, he feels it is best to let Lucy stay here until her counts drop then come back up.  That means we will be here for another 2 weeks.  As he was talking to me and my mom big ol' elephant tears welled up in my eyes and I began to cry.  I knew in my heart he was right but it was a hard pill to swallow.  In his words, "Lucy is too fragile to be outside of the hospital right now."  I agree.  She is so frail and tired and feels so crummy.  It's hard seeing her like this.  She tried so hard to do PT today, but her little body wasn't able to keep up with her will.  The desire was there, she just couldn't make her body cooperate.  It made me mad.

That wasn't the only thing that made me mad.  I stayed in a general state of emotional instability today.  I cried a lot.  I even yelled a couple of times.  I am mad today.  I hate this life we are living.  I hate that my child has cancer and will have to deal with the horrible side effects of chemo and radiation the rest of her life.  I am mad that like my friend Cammie and her daughter Emily, we will still be riding to Memphis when Lucy is 20 with knots in our stomachs praying for God's grace as Lucy has an MRI.  I hate being away from my other children.  I hate that our family hasn't really been a family in 6 months and we still have 2 more months to go.  I hate cancer. 

We'll get through the next few weeks.  We always do.  I'm dreading it though.  Mainly for Lucy. She is going to be stir crazy until we get out.  Right now she feels bad enough not to care.  But eventually she will perk up and will want to get out of her room.  And that's whats so maddening.  When we are on the BMT floor, she can't leave at all.  I went to Target today and bought a few board games and grabbed some of her art things from the Target House.  Hopefully we can find enough to do during our days to keep her distracted. 

Thank you all for your continued prayers.  They mean the world to us. 

I wanted to share these pictures of today.  Lucy and her new baby doll that was made by Erik's friend Suzanne.  She sent Lucy a letter telling her to draw what she wanted her doll to look like and she would make it.  At the time, Lucy wasn't up to drawing so Grandma helped draw and describe what Lucy wanted her doll to look like.  Thank you Suzanne for this sweet keepsake that we will cherish forever. 



 My "Aunt" Jill came to visit, too.  She's really my 2nd cousin, but I've called her Aunt for my whole life.  I'm not sure how that started, but she will always be my sweet Aunt Jill.  It was great to hug her neck and tell her I love her.  I don't see her very often at all, but we've always had a special bond. 






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23 comments:

  1. I read your blog every day and I keep you all in my prayers. I know the hospital stinks and I know that you want to be out of there. Lucy is so frail right now, St Jude is the best place for her and maybe once you are over the sadness of having to stay you can have some comfort knowing she is in the safest place for her and you. You all may rest easier so to speak there.
    I will pray for you to have patience and peace and for sweet Lucy to find comfort in her surroundings as she perks back up.....

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  2. You are looking thin. You need to eat too. Maybe some supplements would be easy to drink. Lucy needs you, take care of yourself so you don't get sick.

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  3. Praying for sweet Lucy, her amazing mother, and your whole family. Lucy is touching so many lives. I know that prayers for her are literally storming Heaven's gates.

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  4. Hi Kate, you don't know me, and I have never commented before...but I have been following your story for a little while. It breaks my heart what your Lucy is going through. She seems like such a fighter...quite the inspiration for all of us, actually. This Saturday, I am participating in a bike ride to raise funds for cancer research at Ohio State Medical Center. There is no doubt in my mind that I will be thinking of/praying for Lucy during the ride. Her story makes me want to fight harder and raise more money for much needed research. Just please know that strangers are praying for your girl.

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  5. I am so sorry you're having such a rough night. As a mother, I understand that deep need for the WHOLE family to be together as a complete unit, especially during tough times. There's nothing I can say to take away your--or sweet Lucy's--fear and exhaustion, so for now I simply send the biggest "virtual hug" one stranger could possibly send to another. (Oh, and prayers too, but that's a given.) Blessings, Ashley

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  6. I hate cancer, too. I will pray for you and for Lucy. You can do this, Kate. Hang in there and please be comforted by the thought that complete strangers like me are lifting you up in prayer.

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  7. Dear Kate, I dont know you, you dont know me, all is good, all we have in common is we have a friend in common, Jesus! :) I sit here in Germany most mornings reading out your screaming heart and I ask Jesus for complete healing for Lucy and healing for your family as you experience not waking up by your children every day!. I dont hear you scream, I just hear your heart screaming for relief for your sweet daughter!. All I want to see I guess is am praying and I think we will be listened! :)
    Much much love from Germany!

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  8. Tears!! I hate this for you too, and we have never met. Continuing to pray although I wish I could do more.

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  9. Although, it is super hard to find the list of "pros" in your situation....here's one, you get to spend the next 2 weeks mostly giving one of your kids one on one attention. Most of us moms don't make enough time for that. Her heart must be so full of your love for her. There will be lots of time for Jack and Ella soon, very soon. But for now, Lucy gets/deserves/has it all:) Praying......

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  10. I am praying for you all today. It is just horrible your family and especially Lucy has to go through this. She should be much older when she realizes how unfair life is. Praying for God's healing, peace, comfort, love, and for Him to hold Lucy, you, and your entire family in His loving arms during this time.

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  11. My heart breaks for you as I read your post today. All I can do is say that I will pray for God to lift you up and make you strong enough to bear this with Lucy. I think of Lucy often and say a prayer when I do. God Bless You and Keep You All in HIS Care...

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  12. Almighty Father, we call upon you. Hear our prayers. You are The Almighty Healer and Restorer. Let every part of Lucy's body be completely healed in The Mighty Name of Jesus.

    Oh Lord Jesus, You died for our sake and took all our infirmites on the Cross of Cavalry. We asked just as you healed others, please heal our Lucy. Dear Lord, comfort Kate. For Lord, she needs you in this dark hour. We ask that you dry her tears, comfort her heart and continually instill her faith.

    For God we know you are all knowing. You form this child in her mother's womb, therefore you know every hair on her precious head down to the soul of her precious feet. You know Lucy's every hurt and her every fear.

    We acknowledge that you are the AUTHOR of her life.

    We acknowledge that YOU are the ALMIGHTY PHYSICIAN.

    YOU are the healer and restorer. Lord heal and restore our Sweet Lucy.

    We ask this in your name....Amen

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  13. bless you sweet momma!! hang in there!! praying for you, lucy , and rest of the family!!

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  14. Continuing to pray for Lucy. Hoping she will be feeling better soon and her counts come up.
    <><

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  15. I read your blog daily and keep Lucy and your family in my prayers daily. Not to mention your little man is about the same age as mine. As I was reading a different blog today I came across this video they posted. Once I started to watch it I thought of you instantly. There are three videos in all. I hope you enjoy. :)

    http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/video/im-love-robin-roberts-martina-mcbride-music-video-behind-scenes-14331571

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  16. My Mom always said you don't use the work hate. But I too HATE cancer, my Mom would say the same thing now. Hate that you and everyone else has to deal with the C word. Just HATE it!

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  17. Praying for you all....praying hard! Sending lots of love, Valli Kelly. :)

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  18. I fell upon your site this morning as I was searching for adoptive parent trips to South Korea. I was looking at this site http://yousmiletoo.blogspot.com/
    When I came across a link on there that says pray for Lucy. Lucy, you and your family have my prayers.

    My husband was diagnosed with cancer 5 months after we were married. We weren't even sure we would be able to have kids. We have been blessed with 13 years of marriage to date and 3 bio boys and will soon be traveling to South Korea to pick up our precious adopted daughter who is 18 months old. Her name is Faith.

    My faith has grown because of my trials. EVEN though I don't like to go through them.

    I want you to BELIEVE that we serve an awesome God. Just last night we watched "Letters to God". I understand that you have moments of emotional instability. It's o.k. I would be angry, sad, and sometimes joyful. I am sure it is an emotional roller coaster daily.

    I'm sure 2 weeks sounds like a long time to you. I like what another poster said about "spending 1:1 time with Lucy".

    If I could give you a hug I would. I would cradle you and wipe away your tears (so that you have the strength to give to Lucy). HOWEVER, GOD is bigger than me and he will do the job much more sufficiently.

    You were chosen, and so was Lucy.

    May you find the rainbow to your storm soon.

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  19. I know all too well your battle. My son is kicking cancers A$$ right now! I think of you often. No family should ever have to encounter this ride! Stay Strong!
    From one Mama to another Mama!
    -Nicole-

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  20. I don't understand exactly what you are going through because I have never been through it! Although I hurt deep in my heart for sweet Lulu! I'm so disappointed that you have to stay 2 more weeks! I know it's tough! I'm crying just looking at poor little Lucy suffering, but we have to rest on the Lord! No doubt it will always be hard, But with God ALL things are possible! I'm praying hard for sweet Lucy and her family! Keep fighting and don't give up!!! The Lord is with you and will NEVER leave! Love y'all!

    GO LUCY GO!

    Love,
    Allison

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  21. Keep your faith Kate, Lucy, and the rest. Stay positive and make sure Lulu sees you smile at the little things she does. I'm sure that means the world to her. I know your heart aches for your family to be together again, but really, a family is always together no matter the distance, because love travels with us. Praying for you and your family tonight and always <3

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  22. The prayers of my little family in Australia are reaching out to you and your family tonight. God Bless you all and Go Lucy Go!

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  23. I am praying that you continue to feel God's loving arms around you and your family, especially Lucy, as you continue this difficult journey. So many people in so many places are praying for you all. Love from Winnsboro, LA

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