8.01.2011

Faith and The Lack There Of

Since Lucy's diagnosis, I have recieved several copies of the devotional Jesus Calling.  I kept one copy and I refer to it, well...not enough.  Every time I open it though the pages just reach out and grab me.  Those other copies I have been fortunate enough to share with friends I have met here at St. Jude.  I also recently purchased a couple of copies of the book Then Sings My Soul.  It is less of a devotional, but equally as moving.  God laid on my heart my friend K yesterday and I gathered both books to give her today at the hospital.  After I read her Caring Bridge update last night, I knew that God knew just what He was doing.  I wasn't sure why He had placed her on my heart, but she was there and I just couldn't shake it.  As I was throwing things together this morning at 4:30am, I made sure to grab her books.  She came up to the room and we talked for a while this morning and I think it did both of our hearts and minds good.  What she doesn't realize is that while I might have given her a tangible gift of those books, she gave me the gift of clarity and honesty last night when I read her post. 

There was something about the rawness of her emotions last night that ripped at my heart, making me want to run to her thanking her for speaking what has been on my mind for a while now.  Ever so honestly, she talked about her waivering faith, her doubts, her fears.  She said "I'm just not ready to lose my son."  And while her son is not anywhere near that point, everyone in this journey says that at least 100 times a day.  Somedays you think it, somedays you scream it and somedays you cry it.

She had attended a church service at Ronald McDonald house that was led by a pastor who's son is currently a patient here.  In a seven degree of seperation type of moment, this pastor is a friend of a guy I used to go to church with.  My friend's father baptized me at the age of 8.  This friend also was visiting town yesterday and told my own father about this man being here.  I just thought it was all so amazing how this circle had come full as K wrote about his teaching yesterday.  It made me long to have been there. 

As I sit on this hospital couch today holding Lucy's hand, I can't help but to allow myself to go where K is right now.  Struggling with understanding why.  Mad that Lucy is not starting school like her big sister and friends.  Angry that I am planning both my daughter and my son's birthdays with the likelihood  I won't even be there on the morning they wake up turning 8 and 1.  Confused as to why Lucy had a fever at home but not at the hospital.  Frustrated by the fact that I can't get answers about Lucy's shunt.  Disgusted that I just had to stop to hold my baby while she violently vomited.  The list could go on and on.  Mainly I'm just down right tired of dealing with cancer.  Lucy's tired and I'm tired.

The last few weeks I have really struggled with my prayers.  I have no problem coming up with a list of things for which to be grateful.  Thanksgivings seem to pour out as if coming from a faucet.  "Thank you I am not alone, a single mom, away from my family.  Thank you Lucy still has use of all of her faculties, her limbs, etc."  The list of things I need and want come in a steady stream of "Please Lord, heal my child.  Please Lord, make her whole.  Please Lord, protect my other children and my husband as we are apart."  Those things come easy.  Almost too easy.  Its as if my prayers have become as routine as our trips to the hospital.  They are just the things you do each day.  What I am missing is the heartfelt emotion that I have had at various times throughout Lucy's illness.  I don't want to go back to those moments where you literally are thrown to your knees in such an emotional wreck that you cry out to God with utter abadonment.  Those moments where your every breath hangs on the next words that are spoken only from your heart because real words fail you.  Those were very bad places in our lives.  Those were the places I never want to visit again. 

I just need to gain a little passion for Christ right now.  I know it seems odd to some to even think that I could be in a place to want God right now.  I know I need Him, but I need to want Him, too.  Lucy's life, nor anyone else's is a guarantee.  The only guarantee I do have is Him.  That's why I can't let go. 

I think I'm just in need of a little personal revival.  I'll get there I'm sure.  I'm just strugling for the minute.  I wouldn't be human, and I sure wouldn't be much of a Christian if I didn't waiver some.  I know God allows us to be tempted and tried by Satan so that we will draw closer to Him.  It is in the trials we come to know Him so well.  Today I prayed that God would take my hand and bring me out of this funk.  I don't want this experience to be wasted.  I do pray that all of this will be for His glory and I especially pray that my mind and heart will stay open to what it is He is trying to teach me. 


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19 comments:

  1. I can relate to your feelings though not under the same circumatances. I am a single mom whose other is unreliable, I have had to get a new roof, garage door and opener and replace the ac since April. My best friend is overwhelemed with issues in his work and marriage.
    Just when you think you can deal with no more there is more. Hang in there. You are in the best medical place for Lucy. I have donated to St Judes for years since a former student was a patient. Hang in there and everyone is entitled to a pity party when things get rough. Have a good cry and then regroup. You do have faith even if it is being tested. God is good even if times are tough.
    love
    julie

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  2. Happy moments, Praise God ~ Difficult moments, Seek God ~ Quiet moments, Worship God ~ Painful Moments, Trust God ~~~ Every Moment, Thank God I don't know what else to say... you have said it all and felt it all. Faith what a wonderful word, faith the only way to get through a second of life. How empty it must be without it.

    Lori

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  3. While our situations are not the same, I can definitely relate to your feelings. We had identical twin boys at 25 weeks after a complicated pregnancy. One of our babies died soon after he was born and our other baby boy is in the NICU. I can relate to the fear of losing a child as I have lost one and still fear losing the other. We have been there for a month and a half and he still has another month and a half to go! Some days, I want to kick and scream and yell and wonder why this had to happen to us. I understand your feelings of just breathing prayers throughout the day. It just almost becomes routine. I think the good thing is that while yes, we do need passion for the Lord, I think that he also meets us exactly where we are. He knows what we need, even if we don't, and he will give that to us when we ask. Something that our pastor told us is that God doesn't make mistakes. Even in the midst of pain and sorrow, God is still good. I may never know why our baby died, but I do know that God is still in control. Hang in there, your family is in our prayers!

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  4. GOD is always with you.
    'Nothing happens to any person that they are not formed by nature to bear'

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  5. Thanks for your honesty!
    God will honor your prayers as His Word says! You will find Him when you seek Him with All your heart. I sense you are doing just that!
    We're still praying continually!
    The Sassy Seniors Sunday School Class is praying, too!
    We love you all!

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  6. My heart is breaking for you I have tears streaming down my face. I have had a child in the hospital for months but nothing of what you are going through. I will pray for you as much as Lucy. EVERYONE goes through this when they are faced with the unwanted and unknown and if they say they didn't they were lying. Someone once told me that God wants us to go through those times just so we can see he is carrying us. He is our heavenly father and as parents we need to feel wanted and needed and we are thrilled when they tell us that. He is proud of you don't ever doubt that. He knows your trials and he understands your pain and fear as a father can. I will pray pray pray that you have peace in your heart.

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  7. Praying for your spirits and strength to be lifted. God bless you and Lucy!

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  8. I don't normally comment on blogs, but this one touched me deeply. My ladies journey devotion over the weekend is talked about faith. My facebook status for the day is...We have these weapons - "not worldly, but are powerful through God for the demolition of strongholds" (2 Corinthians 10:4) Prayer is one of these weapons! Our faith is not enough - we must be aware that the Lord waits to help us if only we ask.
    Please know that you are in my prayers. Prayers for Lucy & your family... and prayers for you to have the revival that you are longing for.

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  9. Not sure how much you are able to go to church or listen to sermons but the fellowship that I am apart of has an entire page of sermons that will encourage and bless you so much. You can listen to them online. Here is the link:
    http://www.thedoorcfc.com/media/audio.html
    Please take a moment to go there and even some of the titles will no doubt speak to what you are going through right now. I will be fasting one day a week for the next month and I am going to pray and lift up Lucy for a miracle healing, and for you, your husband, children and family!

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  10. Your words are what many of us have felt at times. We may have different circumstances, but we are all still human. To struggle is to be human. Thank You for sharing your heart with us.

    Still praying for sweet Lucy. I will also say a prayer for you to have a "want" for God :)

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  11. Dear Kate:
    When your arms are tired from lifting them in prayer and supplication to our Lord, WE will hold your arms up for you. We are standing along side you even now, holding you up. God Bless!

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  12. I was praying for you & your family Sunday night as I listened to the preacher I believe you maybe talking about. He's from Dauphin Way Baptist Church, he too was at our church preaching here in Memphis. I just cried listening to him thinking why God was allowing you both & all the others there at St. Jude to bring you all to this place, a child with cancer. His message was so powerful & while listening to him I realized God is using him, you & many others to impact God's Kingdom. I don't understand why God allows this, but maybe I will never understand why except that He allows your message to reach others who do not know Christ as their personal savior. That sounds so trite & I truly do not know how to say it any other way, my heart prays for you, this pastors son and many others & I just lift you all up in prayers. We are only human & when we are tested and pushed, many times we push back and ask why. As one said several months ago, when your not able to pray, we lift you up to continue to pray for healing and the restoration of your family. I pray that maybe you may run into him, he said he is preaching Sunday morning's in St. Jude's chapel.

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  13. I have been following Lucy for several months now and have been praying for your family...thank you for sharing your heart with the world, saying things that we all feel but never have the courage to share. You are being the hands and feet of Christ encouraging others in our own personal battles. Praying that Jesus wraps his arms lovingly around all of you today! Love, DeeDee

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  14. Kate,
    I've often heard, tell Christ anything, feel anything towards him, He can take it!
    He made you.
    Love you in Christ.
    Praying for Lucy and your whole family.
    Janet Dreher

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  15. Completely different situation-found ourselves bedside with my daddy, who at the age of 69, had vertigo and a headache so bad he was hospitalized right away. A year later, and we are still helping him...only now he is in a mobilized wheelchair, going to OT and Speech, and his eyesight will never, ever be the same. He was an amazing Sunday school teacher at his church. I have been in that dark place...angry, confused, frustrated, sad....and honestly, even thru all my prayers and friends and better understanding of his medical state (meningitis and encephalitis), I find myself going thru the motions of prayer..why God why? Why now? Why couldnt he finally retire (was working up to the morning this all started), Why is my mom now his caregiver instead of on a cruise with him, enjoying the fruits of their labor? Im still learning and getting closer to Jesus, and I love him with all my heart...even though my daddy was not healed. Im thankful for what we have, not what we dont. That has been what gets me through these days. I was away from my two boys while caring for daddy in the intital stages of his medical state. I missed Confirmation, driving lessons, last day of school, final exams-not to mention my dear husband who just tried to hold it all together while I was so many miles away. I guess what Im trying to say is you are doing all you can do. He is, too. Im a complete stranger but I love Lucy...and will continue to pray for all of you. Youre tired and thats ok.

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  16. As a stranger who has just come across your blog, know that your family is in my prayers and on my heart.

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  17. My heart is breaking for you reading this today! I wish cancer was gone and NO parents ever have to feel the way that you are feeling! The only thing and the best thing I can do for you is pray and that is what I am doing. I don't even know you, but I know that God has placed intercessors all around you for days such as this, when you are missing your babies at home and wanting to just be able to do SOMETHING to help Lucy and get her better as quickly as possible. Many are praying for you and I hope you feel it just when you need a little boost! Love in Christ ~ Jessica

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  18. Sometimes our hearts and minds are so overcome with emotions and just so tired that we rely on what I call tried-and-true prayers. When all else fails the Lord's Prayer says it all - that's why I believe Jesus gave us the words - so we could use them when our hearts are just too spent to do it alone. Blessings.

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  19. You are amazing, and you have to be so completely exhausted emotionally, physically, mentally - everything. It all seems like too much and I wish that your whole family could just have a break from it, even for just a while. You are an incredible mom and we are all praying that very soon your family will all be back home together and this will be a memory.

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