No Title

I've been sitting in front of the computer for 5 minutes trying to come up with a catchy title for today's post, but nothing comes to mind except "the day that never seemed to end because it was full of frustration and disappointment and generally just sucked."  I didn't think that was a winner, so I'm just moving on. 

It was another long night last night.  No fever, but lots of getting up to use the bathroom.  Luckily it was really rainy and dark outside this morning, so we all slept in until around 9am.  The the barrage of nurses and doctors began their exams and poking and prodding.  Around noon, Dr. T came in and told me that unless something changes he didn't feel comfortable letting us leave tomorrow.  In fact, he feels it is best to let Lucy stay here until her counts drop then come back up.  That means we will be here for another 2 weeks.  As he was talking to me and my mom big ol' elephant tears welled up in my eyes and I began to cry.  I knew in my heart he was right but it was a hard pill to swallow.  In his words, "Lucy is too fragile to be outside of the hospital right now."  I agree.  She is so frail and tired and feels so crummy.  It's hard seeing her like this.  She tried so hard to do PT today, but her little body wasn't able to keep up with her will.  The desire was there, she just couldn't make her body cooperate.  It made me mad.

That wasn't the only thing that made me mad.  I stayed in a general state of emotional instability today.  I cried a lot.  I even yelled a couple of times.  I am mad today.  I hate this life we are living.  I hate that my child has cancer and will have to deal with the horrible side effects of chemo and radiation the rest of her life.  I am mad that like my friend Cammie and her daughter Emily, we will still be riding to Memphis when Lucy is 20 with knots in our stomachs praying for God's grace as Lucy has an MRI.  I hate being away from my other children.  I hate that our family hasn't really been a family in 6 months and we still have 2 more months to go.  I hate cancer. 

We'll get through the next few weeks.  We always do.  I'm dreading it though.  Mainly for Lucy. She is going to be stir crazy until we get out.  Right now she feels bad enough not to care.  But eventually she will perk up and will want to get out of her room.  And that's whats so maddening.  When we are on the BMT floor, she can't leave at all.  I went to Target today and bought a few board games and grabbed some of her art things from the Target House.  Hopefully we can find enough to do during our days to keep her distracted. 

Thank you all for your continued prayers.  They mean the world to us. 

I wanted to share these pictures of today.  Lucy and her new baby doll that was made by Erik's friend Suzanne.  She sent Lucy a letter telling her to draw what she wanted her doll to look like and she would make it.  At the time, Lucy wasn't up to drawing so Grandma helped draw and describe what Lucy wanted her doll to look like.  Thank you Suzanne for this sweet keepsake that we will cherish forever. 

 My "Aunt" Jill came to visit, too.  She's really my 2nd cousin, but I've called her Aunt for my whole life.  I'm not sure how that started, but she will always be my sweet Aunt Jill.  It was great to hug her neck and tell her I love her.  I don't see her very often at all, but we've always had a special bond.