Giving it all to Him

This is one of my favorite pictures of Lucy.  She was two when this was taken by my friend, Julie Torregrossa.  Her eyes just pop out of the picture. 

I miss those eyes right now.  While she is awake her eyes are just hollow.  I know she is just living through the pain, but its hard to watch.  As her mom I just want to take it all away.  I have told several people that if I could jump out off this high rise to take this all away from Lucy I would.  You wouldn't be able to push me out fast enough.  But I can't, so I will just be by her side, holding her hand the whole time.

Those that know me can attest to the fact that I am an uptight, type-A personality.  I love order, structure and I like my life on a schedule.  My blackberry calendar is my best friend.  I like routines and rules.  All that has flown out of the window since last Wednesday.  I feels as if I am living in some kind of sick, twisted dream.  I'm functioning by living outside my mind.  I know that one day it is all going to sink in and hit me like a wrecking ball.  But right now we are just surviving.  One moment at a time.  And it sucks, to be perfectly honest.

I want someone to come in with an excel spreadsheet that tells me what time on what day Lucy is going to sit up in bed and want to play the Wii.  I need to know the exact order of physical therapy that will have her walking again.  And I really, really need to know what steps we are going to follow in a perfectly laid-out, fail-proof plan that will let me take my baby home cancer free.  But that's not happening.  There is absolutely nothing I can do to make any of that happen. 

I am living in the minute.  Whether this minute is a good one, a bad one or down right nasty one I just have to take them as they come.  One minute I'm cheering for a victory and the next thing you know I'm sobbing like a baby as I watch my little girl fight for her life.  It's not a fun place to be.  It's not a life I want to get used to either.  But's it my new reality and I have to make it work. 

That's where God comes in.  Because I sure can't do it myself.  The Bible is clear about 2 things that have really hit home with me these past few day.  Matthew 6:34 tells us to "not worry about tomorrow because tomorrow will take care of itself.  Each day has enough trouble of it's own." And while that verse is so true, I like the promise and peace that this one brings:

"God is my helper.  The Lord is the Sustainer of my soul."    Psalms 54:4

And that's good enough for me right now. 

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  1. Kate- Praise God for Lucy's accomplishments! We wake up praying and go to bed praying! Jon Harris has been praying... It is so sweet to hear children pray for other children!- My school ( my church where I teach preschool) will be wearing pink and purple ribbons all week and will be praying for Lucy. We are also going to make her some cards! Keep up the fight, Lucy!

  2. God is always enough, He is our satisfaction. Psalms 23 tells us that as His Sheep, we lie down in green pasture, we drink as still, cool waters, and our souls are revived. Even when our enemies are all around us (cancer, pain, sickness), HE is right there with us. He will never leave us, never forsake us. He is, and always will be, there...because He IS.

  3. Erik and Kate,

    We just found out from mom and dad what is happening with Lucy. I can't imagine what you're going through, but with the Lord as your guide you'll find your way through. You all are in our thoughts and prayers. I'm so happy to hear that she's making progress. I'll be hugging our kids a little tighter after reading your blog. If there is anything we can do or send please let us know.

    Cousin Jason & Family

  4. Kate--
    Michelle Miller told us about Lucy Sunday morning in Life Group. I just want to let you know that I will be praying for you guys. Then another friend posted your blog on facebook. Praying for you guys.

  5. Kate- As I said before, I cannot imagine what you must feel like. I hurt so bad for you and I KNOW your pain and Lucy's pain is thousands times more than mine. I CANNOT IMAGINE! We pray constantly for you guys. Your Type A, strong willed personality is EXACTLY what little Lucy needs right now. She needs you to help her in this fight. She needs you for motivation and encouragement. She needs you to remind her how much Jesus loves her and is with her during every step of this. I know you feel like you need to know step by step ,detail by detail what to expect but its a good thing that you don't. Try and rejoice during the good moments and live one day at a time. You are such a strong person and a wonderful mommy and I will continue to pray for you and Erik and Lucy. This has touched our lives in so many ways! We love you and pray each day is better than the one before!

  6. You don't know me but my thoughts and prayers are with Lucy and your family. Thank you for taking the time to update your blog. You have no idea how much your story and faith is touching someone who has lost their way. God Bless You.

  7. It's awesome to see you bring the scriptures and promises of God to life. He is your helper; He is your sustainer. You can do all things through Him (Phil. 4:13). He will work for your good because you love Him (Romans 8:28). Keep standing firm in those promises! Your faith & Lucy's strength are being used to draw us all closer to our Father. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your life & this journey. I've got a front row seat to watch God work a miracle in Lucy!!!

  8. Kate,
    Your words sound all too familiar, and why I HATE to tell you this...you will become accustomed to this new life. It will take a time, and you will discover that those schedules you were do accustomed too, they just won't matter to you anymore. You will will not make promises to "do" anything, cause you won't know what the next day, week, or month hold. Your children, all of them will become so strong from this, and they will have a very different childhood from other children. Not for the worse though, for the better. They will know the real meaning of life. They will know that moments with family are more important than material things. Ella will become your helper, and she will be Lucy's best friend.
    I am hoping and praying for the days where you have complete peace, and you will know without a doubt that "this time" will be your closest times with your Creator and Healer. It's always in these moments when we can feel Him and He will show Himself to you in new ways.
    Praying for Lucy's body everyday, but I truly pray for you...you and I are in the same club. The Club ROYALLY SUCKS and neither one of us would have ever joined on our own, but none the less...we have been chosen.
    Love to you all, and I guess I might see you soon. Let me know what you guys decide on treatment, and don't be afraid to do some research. If you want to know of a few families I know walking this journey with a child that had the same diagnosis, let me know. I have names, and some are on my site.

  9. Kate~ I love you and I am praying! God is a Big God and He can take all of our feelings and frustrations! He understands us like noone else!

    Praying! Go Lucy Go!

    Much Love!

  10. Erik and Kate -
    First thank you for taking the time to blog so we all stay close and updated! My heart hurts for you all! Please know that you all in our prayers! Just keep given Lucy big hugs from all of us! God Bless you all....Keep up the good work Lucy!
    With all our Love from WI- Tom, Melissa Gretchen and Grace Heins!

  11. Kate,
    You and your family are constantly in my prayers. My Lauren (grandaughter) and her friends at school Brighton Middle are remembering her too. I wish with all my heart that I could take Lucy's pain. Stay strong in the Lord - He will not forsake you nor will he forget you. Thank you for allowing us to share with you.
    Sharon/Jerry Statler
    Lauren Thompson - Jeff and Michelle

  12. We continue to pray for you all daily. None of this is fair. I pray daily for your amazing strength and for Lucy's also. It hurts me so bad to see little Lucy suffering through this. I know that God is with her and will give her exactly what she needs to win this battle. Let us know if there is anything we can do for you and your family. With Love, allison and baker

  13. Kate and family -

    We're just another 'friend of a friend' and don't know you in person. Still, my heart of a mom bleeds for your current struggle. Our Jack (seems just a month or so ahead of your Jack) spent his share @ LB with an open-heart surgery... yet I still don't think we've glimpsed down into the Valley of the Shadow the way you all have just had to. I would like to pray for Lucy (who looks so much like my daughter! It brought tears to my eyes...).

    You may have heard about the McRae family, but it appears to me that you and Kate's mom would have some things to talk about - and sometimes it's a simple comfort of sharing with someone who's traveling the same dark road.


    May grace stay with you and grant you strenth.

  14. Hi Kate - It's Fran Lindsey Tartaglione writing to let you know that prayers are being sent up from Georgia, where I live now, for Lucy, you, and your family. Last week as I started to see the Facebook posts from my Covington friends, I began to follow your blog and start praying for healing and peace for your family. I have a little boy about Lucy's age so her story has really touched my heart. I'm working on getting the word out to other friends in my area so they too can pray for you all. I can relate to your comments on today's post about needing a schedule, knowing when things are going to happen and how it's all going to unfold. That's a trait we share and I would want to know the same things. At church here on Sunday, the Gospel reading was from Matthew 6:25 which you referred to in your post today. Those verses are some of my favorites actually because it lets us know that God takes care of it all and we can let go (or try to let go) of some of the anxiety that grips us. I didn't realize that we share a mutual friend in Bridgette Flack, who is one of my dearest friends in the whole world. When I spoke to her yesterday and mentioned Lucy, I learned that she had the opportunity to visit you and that made me smile. I will keep following Lucy's progress and keep praying for all of you.

  15. Kate, I just wanted to let you know that I have not stopped thinking about you since I saw your precious little family on Friday night. Lucy's story was written before she was even thought about and I just know God has big things in store for her precious little life. There are so many people praying for you. Please let me know if you need anything at all.

    Melody Burchett