Happy Birthday to You--LuLu

First I probably need to clarify my rant from this morning.  We didn't literally almost kill a doctor.  Lucy's abdomen was very tender this morning when the doctor came in to examine her.  Doing his due diligence, he ordered an ultrasound.  Lucy had begun eating the cinnamon roll that she begged for all night when all of a sudden the nurse came in and made her stop.  She told us NPO for 6 hours.  That meant no food, no liquids.  She went into hysterics.  Erik was furious and I was, too.  I just did not understand how they expected us to hold her off all day when they are pumping her full of appetite stimulant.  Geez!  After about 10 minutes of Lucy crying and screaming they agreed to wait until tomorrow morning.  So, NPO after midnight for this room tonight.  Sorry to have been so dramatic.

As you all know, today is Lucy's birthday.  About a month ago I called and booked a party for my sweet girl at Pump It Up (a bounce house place) and we invited about 30 of our closest friends.  She was looking so forward to it and I couldn't wait for her to have her special day.  And like everything in our lives, that party was thrown out the window in the blink of any eye.  Lucy had been counting down the days to her birthday party (scheduled for the week before her actual birthday) so I was dreading the moment that she realized she missed her party.  That never happened because she was in such a post-sugery, morphine-induced fog.  But a week passed by and she finally realized it the day before yesterday. 

She was laying in her bed and had been crying that she wanted to go home.  I thought we had finished the discussion and she looked up and said "Mommy, I have to go.  My birthday is in 2 days."  My heart sunk and I knew we had a problem on our hands.  That's when the power of Facebook and this blog really came into action.  Within no time at all, we had a Buzz Lightyear costume donated by In Character Productions and a wonderful cake donated by a lady named Shannon Taylor, whom I have not met but will forever be indebted.  It was beautiful!  You know, sometimes a cake just makes a party.

I was very excited and nervous all at the same time.  It appears that Lucy is depressed.  She does not want the light on, we can't open the shades, she won't talk most of the time.  It is absolutely heart wrenching.  She is just not the little girl she is supposed to be.  It just aches my very being.  But I fully understand that she has all the right in the world to be mad.  This is not what she signed up for, either.  We know we are going to have to push her harder, but it is so much easier just to hold her and try to take all the sadness away.  I was worried that she would be embarrased about being in a wheel chair and having the back of her head shaved.  I was worried that she would be overhwhelmed at all the attention being thrown her way.  And I was right.....

This was about the best smile we got out of her today.  I know she had a great time and I know she loved seeing Buzz Lightyear and I know she was glad to seee her friends....but I also know that she is sick and hurts and is very mad right now.  She did her best to put on a happy face and we made the most out of it.  It might not have been the perfect party and it was no Pump It Up, but I am just grateful that she is here and we have reason to celebrate.  She is a little miracle already and I love her even more than I did 5 minutes ago. 

A letter to my Lucy.

Dear Lucy,

I am writing you this letter on your 5th birthday.  I pray that this is the worst birthday you will ever have to face.  You are very sick right now and don't quite understand what is happening.  Your world has been turned upside down.  I know you want to be home playing with Ella and Jack and living a normal life. But for some reason, my sweet angel, God has different plans for you right now.  I don't understand it and I promise you with all my heart that if I could figure it out I would tell you.  If there was anything in this universe I could do to take this away from you I would.  I can't my sweet girl so I promise to never leave your side during your fight.  I will fight with you, cry with you, be angry with you and rejoice with you. 

It is important, Lucy, that you realize what a special child you are.  I have always known from the time you were born that you were going to do something special with your life.  I never imagined in my wildest dreams that you would have begun to accomplish that at the age of 5.  If I could only explain to you the outpouring of love and support you have received from around the world.  I am just dumbfounded.  Honestly, I am.  Lucy I see your life being used to bring revival to our town--you are unifying our city.  Your illness has brought about a new awareness of life and love to people you have never met.  Oh, sweet girl.  I never asked for you to be used this way and I am so sorry.  But you are not mine, sweet Lucy.  You belong to our Heavenly Father and he is only letting your Daddy and me borrow you for this time of earth.  Oh how I am crying out to Jesus every minute of every day to allow you to stay with me for years and years to come.  From the time you were born I have prayed that I would live long enough to see your grandchildren.  I just never could imagine that prayer being so real right now.

I have made a new vow to cherish every single moment I have with you, Ella and Jack.  Things that mattered before don't matter now.  They may never matter again.  All that matters now is getting you well and bringing you home.  I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that one way or another you are going to be fine.  My prayer daily is that God brings healing to your body while filling you with a peace that passes all understanding.  I look forward to your 6th birthday next year.  We just know we will be celebrating so many miracles! 

With all my love,

Mommy