Waiting

Once again I tell you that waiting is not an easy thing for me.  I have often been called "Sophie," my great grandmother's name, because I want things done yesterday.  Today or tomorrow is not soon enough.  This morning I woke up rather anxious.  It's amazing how in one night Satan can work so hard to get my head spinning.  I'm irritable, I can't sit still (I have cleaned and organized both our room and the family room on the 7th floor) and my stomach is in knots.  And its not because I am worried about Lucy, per se.  It's that I am ready to get on with things.  Good grief!  I feel as though we are losing so much time.  I mean, really!  She has been miserable for 17 days now and she has not even begun the hard fight.  I just don't understand why the doctors/God won't heal these surgical wounds and let's get going.

I can't say I've come to "peace" with her cancer, but I have accepted the fact that we are in for a fight. And I'm ready.   It's like psyching yourself up for a race or performance, only to be told there are technical difficulties and no one knows when the repair man will show up.  If a shunt is inevitable, I'm ready to just do it and get moving.

As I am turning into an inpatient mess, something in the back of my head (God's peace I'm sure) keeps whispering "there is a reason."  I don't quite get it.  Even I as write this, my heart is fluttering that what I am saying/thinking is true.  Is God protecting us from another infection?  Are we stuck here because we are waiting on the head of our cancer team to return to the US?  What plan is being laid out in front of us?  There's something brewing and I can't figure it out. 

UGH!!!  I'm so conflicted I just want to scream.  A friend that I have not seen in many years posted this on Facebook this morning.  I have been amazed everyday that just when I need it most, God lays on someones (and often times many peoples) heart the perfect thing(s) to say:

Today's entry from "Jesus Calling":
"Waiting, trusting, and hoping are intricately connected, like golden strands interwoven to form a strong chain. Trusting is the central strand, because it is the response for My children that I desire most. Waiting and hoping embellish the central strand and strengthen the chain that connects you to Me. Waiting for Me to work, with your eyes on Me, is evidence that you really do trust Me. If you mouth the words "I trust You" while anxiously trying to make things go your way, your words ring hollow. Hoping is future-directed, connecting you to your inheritance in heaven. However, the benefits of hope fall fully on you in the present. Because you are Mine, you don't just pass time in your waiting. You can wait expectantly, in hopeful trust."


Thank you, Julie, for sending this my way.  I appreciate all of the words of support and encouragement that you all send on a daily basis.  I read them ALL!  I may not respond, but they bring Erik and I so much hope.  Today is not a "valley of the shadow of death" kind of day, but Lucy is not reasting well and now appears to have thrush in her mouth and throat.  Poor baby can't seem to catch a break.  It looks as if today is shaking up to be a "just survive" kind of day. 

We are continually praying for God's hand of mercy and healing to be placed on Lucy, patience and understanding for Erik and I and an overwhelming sense of love and nurturing to be bestowed on Ella and Jack.  We humbly ask that you do the same.