3.12.2011

Waiting

Once again I tell you that waiting is not an easy thing for me.  I have often been called "Sophie," my great grandmother's name, because I want things done yesterday.  Today or tomorrow is not soon enough.  This morning I woke up rather anxious.  It's amazing how in one night Satan can work so hard to get my head spinning.  I'm irritable, I can't sit still (I have cleaned and organized both our room and the family room on the 7th floor) and my stomach is in knots.  And its not because I am worried about Lucy, per se.  It's that I am ready to get on with things.  Good grief!  I feel as though we are losing so much time.  I mean, really!  She has been miserable for 17 days now and she has not even begun the hard fight.  I just don't understand why the doctors/God won't heal these surgical wounds and let's get going.

I can't say I've come to "peace" with her cancer, but I have accepted the fact that we are in for a fight. And I'm ready.   It's like psyching yourself up for a race or performance, only to be told there are technical difficulties and no one knows when the repair man will show up.  If a shunt is inevitable, I'm ready to just do it and get moving.

As I am turning into an inpatient mess, something in the back of my head (God's peace I'm sure) keeps whispering "there is a reason."  I don't quite get it.  Even I as write this, my heart is fluttering that what I am saying/thinking is true.  Is God protecting us from another infection?  Are we stuck here because we are waiting on the head of our cancer team to return to the US?  What plan is being laid out in front of us?  There's something brewing and I can't figure it out. 

UGH!!!  I'm so conflicted I just want to scream.  A friend that I have not seen in many years posted this on Facebook this morning.  I have been amazed everyday that just when I need it most, God lays on someones (and often times many peoples) heart the perfect thing(s) to say:

Today's entry from "Jesus Calling":
"Waiting, trusting, and hoping are intricately connected, like golden strands interwoven to form a strong chain. Trusting is the central strand, because it is the response for My children that I desire most. Waiting and hoping embellish the central strand and strengthen the chain that connects you to Me. Waiting for Me to work, with your eyes on Me, is evidence that you really do trust Me. If you mouth the words "I trust You" while anxiously trying to make things go your way, your words ring hollow. Hoping is future-directed, connecting you to your inheritance in heaven. However, the benefits of hope fall fully on you in the present. Because you are Mine, you don't just pass time in your waiting. You can wait expectantly, in hopeful trust."


Thank you, Julie, for sending this my way.  I appreciate all of the words of support and encouragement that you all send on a daily basis.  I read them ALL!  I may not respond, but they bring Erik and I so much hope.  Today is not a "valley of the shadow of death" kind of day, but Lucy is not reasting well and now appears to have thrush in her mouth and throat.  Poor baby can't seem to catch a break.  It looks as if today is shaking up to be a "just survive" kind of day. 

We are continually praying for God's hand of mercy and healing to be placed on Lucy, patience and understanding for Erik and I and an overwhelming sense of love and nurturing to be bestowed on Ella and Jack.  We humbly ask that you do the same. 

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18 comments:

  1. Kate,
    I just want to let you know that I have been checking in to this blog a few times a day to see if there are any updates on Lucy. I have spread the word about her to my family and friends in California, and we are all thinking and praying for her and your family. You are being so strong... I can't even imagine the craziness that has become your life. But you're still standing. Keep taking the fight one day at a time. She seems like a very strong little girl. I believe in her. I believe in you! Thank you for sharing the journey. Hugs to you and your entire family - including your adorable kids (all 3 of them)!
    Tracy

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  2. Yesterday morning, I was sitting in the doctor's office with my daughter who had a massive sore throat. She was not happy and I wasn't enjoying it, either, and I thought of you and the weight, and length, of your waiting. I will pray for you as you wait, and that you can press into Him.

    With compassion,

    Paige

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  3. Kate and Erik,

    We continue to pray daily for your strength and for Lucy's healing. It is so encouraging to see how many lives Lucy is touching. The Lord is most definitely doing something amazing through your little angel!

    Nathan and Amy Pellegra

    James 1:2-4
    Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

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  4. It's all beyond words...but know there are people praying for you whom you have never met, lifting you up to the Father. I was praying Psalm 4 for you yesterday.

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  5. Hi Krull family,
    I learned of your blog, Kate, from a friend of a friend of yours from high school. Ever since, your family has constantly been in the forefront of my thoughts and prayers. I check your blog several times a day and am so encouraged by your faith....and honesty. I'm praying for His perfect peace that passes all understanding!!!

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  6. Gentian Violet can be bought at most small drugstores and sometimes you can ask for it at WMart pharmacy. It will KILL the thrush overnight!!! I've used it with my babies and it's amazing. Check it out--our pediatrician recommended it for us! Thrush is so itchy!
    Praying for you guys!

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  7. I heard about your blog from another blog and I check it all day to see updates on your precious Lucy. I have 4 kids and one is a 5 year old and I read your blog and weep. But every time I read it and weep I reminded of the verse "Weep with those who weep and rejoice with those who rejoice." And I can't help but believe that we will be rejoicing with you soon. I am praying hard for beautiful Lucy and your family. I too have an Ella! She is my oldest. We have Max and Maya and we adopted Ade from Ethiopia about 6 months ago. I know you have a bazillion people commenting but wanted you to know that you have people praying in MO!

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  8. I got up this morning and thanked the Lord for this beautiful day. As I enjoyed seeing the warm sunshine and the flowers in bloom - I couldn't help but think of you as you wait and watch your little one. Praying that God will hold you in the palm of His hand for safe keeping until Lucy is ready to move on to the next part of this journey.

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  9. Praying with you in those same ways. I check in daily (at least) to be updated on your precious Lucy.

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  10. As this day goes on, may He bring you some comfort and know that His arms are around you every step of the way.
    Many prayers going UP from Massachusetts.

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  11. Kate, I was talking to my grandfather (who passed away a few years ago and I named my 5 mo. old daughter, Shelby, after) while I was rocking her to sleep last night. I was thinking about your family and precious Lucy..praying for you all and I felt so much hope I can't describe it..like things would start turning in the right direction for lucy's healing. You all have been on my heart. I prayed several times a day and watched a friend from college's premature son fight and win many battles and several miracles happen just this past year. I love hearing how much you believe..in your God, in her healing, in your love for your children. Keep it up and know you're all in His hands. (I am the same way with waiting..just goes against the grain of my being, so I'll be specifically praying for Lucy's wounds and strength for her wonderful momma). In our thoughts in Arkansas.

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  12. Kate,

    You don't know me, but my husband is in Rotary with Erik. I have been reading your blog everyday. I have thought for the last week that God is working on something. Things are not in place yet for Lucy to go to St Jude. It is in his time that the next step will be taken. I know how hard it is to wait. I can't wait to see what he has in store for your family. We are praying for you all.

    Praying,
    Holly and Jeff Hunter

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  13. Kate,
    My 6 year old daughter and I have been reading about Moses and the Israelites this week. As I read your post today I was reminded of what Moses told the Israelites when they looked up and saw the Egyptian army coming after them. They began to panic because they were trapped by the Red Sea and could see no way out. Moses tells the people "Do not fear! Stand by and see the salvation of the LORD which He will accomplish for you today;...
    The LORD will fight for you while you keep silent." (Exodus 14)
    I don't even want to pretend that I understand what you are going through. However, I feel compelled to tell you that you are not just waiting. You are WATCHING the LORD fight for you.
    I am praying...

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  14. Kate,
    I have been following your blog like so many whom you've never met. You said something this time that causes me to comment. Satan does, indeed, come in the dark. My best friend has overcome cancer 5 times and written about it. I know this is long, but she has helped many people with this one idea. I don't know how else to share it with you. I offer it as a prayer that it will help you, too.

    "Make a list that I call it “The Good List”. The good list works like this: Buy legal pad. Buy a big one, believing you will fill each page. The bigger the pad, the bigger the faith and the greater the blessing you will receive. Keep the pad next to you at all times. The moment something good happens, write it down. It doesn’t matter if it seems small. It’s still something. My list included the most seemingly inconsequential things.
    I love nature and couldn’t see any from the hospital. Once, a bird perched on my window ledge. I put it on the list. I got my favorite flavor of pudding. It went on the list. If I got my favorite nurse or someone sent a sweet card, I put it on the list.
    The key is to spin the negative into a positive so it can go on the list. I had a difficult time keeping in I.V.’s. If I kept one in for 24 hours, I put that on the list. If I only threw up twice instead of four times, it was written down. By the end of the day, the legal pad would be full. Often the list had grown larger than one page.
    This list will help you when something bad happens. When Satan is going to come back and say, “Here you go. I’m going to make this happen to you today.” And you can say, “Humph. That’s one thing in my day. You want to see the rest?” By having that list of positives, it gives you a peace to see physical proof that God is taking care of you. Day by day you see His love notes.
    When you go to bed, keep the list on your nightstand. In the middle of the night, one night, Satan will wake you with whispers of doubt. “God doesn’t care. God has abandoned you. God doesn’t keep His promises.” It will happen and when it does, reach out in the night and lay your hand on that legal pad. Every line is a love note from God. Every day, all day long, He tells us He loves us. We lose the ability to see it sometimes, but it’s there. The minute you focus on your list of positives, Satan will flee.
    Lies can’t stand up to the truth, and you will have the truth in your hand; Black and white, line after line, page after page. Each word is a confirming, victorious shout, “God has not abandoned me! God does care and He keeps His promises!” And He will continue to whether you write it down or not.
    It’s easy to focus on how bad you feel. But if you can focus on, “Well, I don’t feel well today BUT this good thing happened and this good thing happened…” and the last half of the sentence is positive, it completely changes your outlook. It forces you to focus your attention on the things God is doing for you and not on the things you think He ought to be doing for you and isn’t. Be focused on God’s plan, not your plan." (excerpt from I Choose to Laugh: Faith in the Midst of Cancer.)

    Continuing to pray for you and yours.
    Wallis Simpson (a mom)

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  15. Kate...My Lucy bow proudly adorns my mailbox here in Covington, along with many, many more. Our little hometown is standing with you and Erik in prayer before The Lord for your sweet Lucy. I pray daily for you and Erik also that God will give you just exactly what you need for the day..the hour and yes, even the minute. Your faith is amazing...you're an inspiration to me! I shed tears each time I read your blog...Stay strong Kate and Erik....God is your refuge and fortress right now!

    Blessings to you and your family,
    Judy Ridings
    Covington, TN

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  16. Kate,
    As I was reading your post tonight the following verse came to mind. Hope it gives you a little peace...1 Corinthians 13:12. "For now we see through a glass darkely, but then face to face: now I know in part, but then shall I know even as I am known." In no way can I imagine how you feel, but Jesus is feeling all of your pain and suffering right along with you. May you feel his presence tonight as never before. I pray for you every time you come to my mind which is many times daily. God bless you all.
    Joan Hanks

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  17. ‎"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because the LORD your GOD goes with you; GOD will never leave you, nor forsake you."
    [---Deuteronomy 31 : 6]

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  18. I don't have any clever comments or uplifting spiritual guidance like those before me, but I just wanted you to know that we are praying for you daily along with many of our family and friends. Lucy already has made a difference in my life. When I think about all the unpleasant, disappointing, and unfair things that have happened to my family this year, I am reminded of Lucy and her strength, your faith, and how we need to rejoice in the blessings God has given us instead of the things Satan has caused. Even when I am super stressed out and my children are driving me up the wall, I think of Lucy and remember to focus on what they did good that day, say an extra kind word, and be appreciative. It's odd to say since I've never met her, but Lucy has made me a better mother, especially when I was doubting my abilities.

    God Bless!

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