The View From My Lap

A glimpse into my day.

The tsunami of change hit hard again this morning.  When I got Lucy up to get dressed to head to Memphis she was nauseated.  We barely made it to the truck when she started vomitting.  She had woken up twice last night with diahrea and then continued to have it all day.  She slept ALL day long.  Seriously, all day.  I was a sight for eyes today.  When my Dad had to step away for a few hours, I looked like a bag lady.  Lucy wouldn't sit in her stroller so I had her in my arms, her medicine bag on my shoulder, my backpack on my back, Lucy's backpack in the stoller and I was trying to push the stroller all through the hall of St. Jude.  Any other place or time I might have drawn some funny looks, but not there.  Most mothers walk around looking like I did today. 

When my Dad and brother came back to pick us up this afternoon I was so happy to see them. UNTIL...my mom called to say that Ella was throwing up. The stomach virus rears its ugly head again today. We have also decided that the stomach virus has gotten Lucy too. Thanks be to God that she hasn't had fever. We can go home with a virus but a fever will get you a quick trip into the hospital for sure. So tonight its just me and Erik and Lucy at the house. Ella and Jack are with my parents. We have no room for errors and just can't risk any more exposure to sickness around here. Last night was great so I will savor that memory until I get my family back together again.

 (Ella sick tonight)

This is the baby that is well but can't come home tonight.

Not because he is sick, but because Mommy and Daddy are so physically exhausted we can hardly put one foot in front of other  And not just physically.  Mentally and emotionally as well.  I want nothing more than to take an Ambien and sleep for 6 straight hours.  I may never be at a point in my life again where I will feel comfortable doing that.  I feel as if I will forever sleep with one eye open.  And I'm quite convinced that Jack will never sleep through the night.  I may have to apply to be on the show that brings the Super Nanny in to make parents get control over then kids.  I just need the episode where she gets the baby to sleep.  That would be cool. 

I digress..

I was thinking about a comment that keeps recurring in conversations with people I've run into throughout this past month.  I've heard so many times "I couldn't do what you are doing."  Today as I literally carried Lucy, her burdens and my burdens in my arms and cried through the halls of the hospital I thought about that statement.  I am completely convinced that I am doing nothing more than any other mother would do.  Its nothing you want to do, but you do because you wouldn't have it any other way.  I am so grateful that God allowed me to be Lucy's mother.  We are living in absolute hell right now but I couldn't imagine anyone loving her as much as I do.  Who would ever be able to care for her every need like me?  No one.  I still don't pretend to have any understanding of why, but I do know God chose me to be Lucy's mother even before I was born.  I may be a wreck now, but I am trusting God's promise that he will supply me with the strength I need to complete this task he has laid before me. 

My friend Crystal lost a sister when she was younger.  She has been through the depths of despair herself.  Today she sent me with an email that was just what I needed to read.  I wanted to post it here so that anyone who is reading this might be blessed in the same way I was:

Scripture: The LORD is just! He is my rock! There is nothing but goodness in Him. Psalm 92:15NLT

Difficult times come, right? We all have them, sometimes we cause them and sometimes they are merely circumstances the Lord, in His providence and wisdom, has ordained that we should endure and by which we might bless others. When those times come, the Christ-follower, looks to Him and closes ranks with the Lord. Soldiers in a dangerous place take strategic positions where each can see the other and all can see the leader without the slightest possibility of mistaking a command.

When doubts are attacking you, prayer is the source of power that will draw you closer to the Savior. When fears begin creeping into your perimeter, then you can shed the light of God's peace and unconditional love as you ask God to fill you with both to shine out in His name. Since God is filled with goodness, then THAT is exactly what He will fill you with when the need arises.

No matter what the difficulty, no matter how stressful the trial, no matter how painful the heartache you may be experiencing, take it to the Lord just now and receive, in exchange, enough peace to get you through the moment, the hour, the day. When the resource runs low, go back for more, there will always be plenty. "Ask and you will receive, seek and you will find. Knock and it will be opened to you (Matt. 7:7).

"Lead a life worthy of your calling, for you have been called by God. Be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other's faults because of your love. Always keep yourselves united with the Holy Spirit and bind yourselves together with peace." Ephesians 4:1-3 NLT
What I took from this was asking God to get you through each day, moment by moment.  I think this might be my new approach to my days.  Asking God to just get us through each appointment, therapy, radiation and eventually Chemo--one day at a time. 
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  1. Oh no! Sickness is not welcomed around your place I will pray against it.
    What a beautiful email for all people suffering or not suffering. Thank you for sharing it.

    Continuing to pray for you all.

  2. Kate, God knew exactly who Lucy would need to be her mother and as always, His choice was perfect. All we can ask is for enough grace to get through the next thing His plan brings. I firmly believe God is working a miracle in Lucy's life. You honor Him every time you use this path to praise Him and share about Him. I am rejoicing over E salvation! Praise His holy name for forgiveness and salvation through Jesus! I am so thankful His timing is so perfect to give your family the reassurance that HE IS working in your family! I am standing in the gap for sweet Lucy and all of you! Praying in Alabama! Lyn

  3. Hate to hear that nasty virus has hit again, I pray you and Erik stay well to take care of everyone else. That saying about mothers not having time to be sick holds especially true for you my dear and I think about and pray for you daily.

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  6. Thank you for posting that email you received, it was just what I needed to end my night. My family also lives is in the same state as your family. So heartbroken to hear this story about your baby girl, even though we are miles apart, we are still so close. I find myself checking your blog a few times a day to check on that sweet girl, telling your story and asking friends and family to pray. God is Good and he can heal, I believe this without a shadow of a doubt. We are praying for you and your family, and as far as Lucy, you keep fighting girl, you will win this battle. GO LUCY GO!

  7. Prayers that little Lucy will feel better quickly and that she can stay fever free. Much love from a stranger in Idaho

  8. Kate -
    Continuing to pray...
    It is amazing to me how many lives Lucy and your family have reached. It seems like everyone I know is following it and praying for you all. I have faith that this will not be in vain. Thank you for continuing to share...even as exhausted as you all are.

  9. Happy moments, Praise God
    Difficult moments, Seek God
    Quiet moments, Worship God
    Painful Moments, Trust God
    Every Moment, Thank God

    You are seeking him now, I thank God for your strenght for Lucy and your family.

  10. You all need the stomach bug like you need a hole in your head. I hope it's just the 24 hour flu and all will pass quickly! Go Lucy Go!

  11. God bless YOU. how blessed Lucy is to have such amazing parents like you and Erik. Continuing to pray for your entire family. That precious Lucy is a strong little girl!!!

  12. I saw a commercial for St. Jude's yesterday. It always touches my heart, but now it seems different because your Lucy is there. I love the part of your friend's email that talks about asking for enough grace to get through the moment, etc. Praying for your Lucy.

  13. Kate,

    You are amazing. I pray that God will give me your strength and grace. Thank you for sharing your story. Love, Elizabeth

  14. Kate, I found you on facebook and sent you a private message on there... I know you get so much mail and messages but I hope you find time to check it and are able to respond. If not, if there is anyone else who reads this and knows of a mailing address where I can send something please let me know. Thank you!

  15. i believe when so many say "i couldn't do what you are doing", they are really saying, "i don't think i could go through such a crisis and still walk so close to God in faith". have you stopped to wonder why your blog and facebook pages have literally blown up with readers?? there are 100's of blogs out there about very sick children. people have been drawn to you because they are in awe of your christian attitude admist this storm. if we are all honest, most moms would admit that they think they'd be mad at God in this situation...and although you have "kept it real" with your expected anger, weariness, and despair, you have also somehow been able to litter even those posts with bible verses, thanking God for your blessings, and giving reminders to yourself to seek Him. kate, everyone is drawn to YOU, because we are all reading your blog and thinking, "if God-forbid i ever had to endure one of my babies having cancer, i would hope that i could have the kind of christian faith that kate has". of course all of these readers are all praying for lucy as well, and her little fighting spirit (that she gets from her mama) is a testiment as well. so dear friend, wonder no more why you get that comment so often...because the true meaning lies between the words.

  16. You are doing an amazing job and I admire your courage and strength. I hope Ella starts to feel better soon, and that Lucy does not develop a fever. I'm sure Jack will sleep through the night soon enough=) Wishing you all the best and keeping you and your family in my thoughts.

  17. Kate,
    You don't know me. A friend's blog led to a friend's blog that led me here to your blog and I've been reading and praying for a few weeks now.

    Just wanted to add my prayers and let you know that I am literally laying my hand on Lucy's pictures on the computer screen and praying John 11:4 over her: Jesus said, "This sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God's glory so that God's Son may be glorified through it."

    You have a beautiful family and your faith is an inspiration to me. Thank you for your honest words and letting us know specifically how to pray!

    In Him,

  18. As He promises in Isaiah 43, when we come to a place we’ve never passed through before, God is always present to help us. “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the LORD, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior” (v.2-3a, NIV)

    Praying for you all!
    jessica shelton

  19. Just checking on Lucy. Hopefully, today is a good day for her and your family too. I hope Ella is feeling better and that Jack was spared the virus.

  20. Praying both Lucy and Ella will be over their stomach virus quickly, and feeling better. Also hoping sweet Jack doesn't get it. Poor little Lucy can't seem to get a break, bless her heart. She is such a strong and beautiful little girl, and I know she has the strength of Job to keep fighting! Gods blessing to you all!
    Sending Hugs!
    A Mom-Mom in NJ

  21. I started reading your blog when Kelly @ Kelly's Korner posted about Lucy. I have been praying for her ever since! My mom battled leukemia when I was in highschool, and my freshmen year of college she went home to her Lord. When she was first diagnosed, a friend gave her a book called "Just Enough Light for the step I'm on" by Stormie Omartian. At the beginning of the book, there was a poem that was kind of the "theme" of the book. It quickly became my mom's theme for her battle with leukemia, and your comment about taking it one day at a time reminded me of it... so I thought I would share the poem with you!
    The poem-
    "Sometimes only the step I’m on,
    or the very next one ahead,
    is all that is illuminated for me,
    God gives just the amount of light I need
    for the exact moment I need it.
    At those times I walk in surrender to faith,
    unable to see the future
    and not fully comprehending the past.
    And because it is God who has given me
    what light I have,
    I know I must reject the fear and
    doubt that threaten to overtake me.
    I must determine to be content where
    I am, and allow God to get me where I
    need to go.
    I walk forward,
    one step at a time,
    fully trusting that
    the light God sheds
    is absolutely sufficient."

    Prayers are continuing to go up... Lucy is safe because she is in her Father's Arms, even this very moment... is there any other better place to be?

  22. Kate, I so want to reach out and help you in a pysical way to make it all better. I cannot. But something you wrote this week spurred me to write. You were describing how empty you feel seeing other Moms hurting and not having any thing to offer them.The Lord is your strength, find scripture on cds or tapes and play it constantly. Renew your mind with the washing of the Word. Subconciously fill yourself. play it at night too low to keep you from sleep and have it on in the background. You know these scriptures, remember faith comes by hearing and hearing the Word of God.I along with many others have prayed and are now praising God for your miracle.God Bless you and all your family

  23. Kate,

    You are such a beautiful person, and Lucy is so blessed that you are her Momma. I am praying for Lucy and your family every day. The Lord is mighty...


  24. What a beautiful scripture. PRAYING!!! May God carry you when you can't move. May God Bless you when you feel so low you can't do any more. May God grant you every breath you need to breath to do whatever you need to do for your family!

  25. I am still following your story and continue to admire you, although what you are saying is true that if I were in your shoes I would do the same for my own son,know that it takes more than just anyone to really, truly BE a mother to a sick child it takes a person with courage, selflessness and faith like no other to really live it. I won't stop reading or praying for you and your family,god bless & best wishes!!

  26. I read your posts every single day as you post them via my phone, and unfortunately I don't know how to comment from my app - however, please know that I am constantly reading and praying for all of you! Hang in there! And congrats to Ella, and being a sister in Christ! Yahoo!!!!!!

  27. i am so proud of Ella's decision in the Lord. there is truly nothing that should bring more joy to our hearts than that.

    praying for you all continually. God will take you from strength to strength my friend. rest in Him.

  28. The strength you have is amazing! Keep it up! God IS good! Thanks for the post. I know you would have been blessed to hear our 4 year old pray for Lucy today! She prays daily for her! Lucy is certainly being used by a GREAT GOD!

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